Saying "I Do"

(Note: This was written a decade ago; and I came across it while going through some files...) 

For the nth time, I’ve received an invitation that I shall take part in the wedding ceremony of a friend. This time I won’t be part of the entourage; instead I’ll be a lector during the mass and an emcee at the reception. I felt relieved. I need a break from always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So what’s the fuss about this talk of exchanging vows and tying the knot? For someone who’s just a few years short of being thirty and has been a member of  “Virgin Anonymous” and “No Boyfriend since Birth”, I ought to entertain the thought. Well, it has not been easy meeting my prince who’d sweep me off my feet. (Are we even in the same time zone, I wonder?) Where has all those legitimate bachelors gone? That’s probably another story. A friend told me that men are like buses and I need to get on the right one. Have I been waiting in vain at the wrong curb that I already missed it?

 I don’t want to sound too worried because truth is, I’m in no hurry to change my status yet. I still have several older friends who don’t show the slightest concern that they’re still single. They enjoy the freedom of doing what they want, nurturing their talents and spending their hard earned money for self-improvement and also for helping their families and others.  I choose to do that as well now.

We have different priorities and different ideas of the things that would make us fulfilled and happy. Has it not occurred to you that you might end up forever single (I am exaggerating) and spend cold nights alone with no one to look after you when you‘re gray and weak? I have to admit, I wish for marital bliss myself. But finding THE one is not just about physical attraction and perfect chemistry. There’s more to committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life than just  companionship, partnership and having children.

I have been pondering ~ I know we have the gift to choose. Isn't it choice that makes us higher than animals? Reason allows us to think before we act, to consider the consequences of our actions and not just follow our primitive instincts. It is choice that has brought us to the job we have, even the relationship we have put ourselves into. Making the right choice then saves us from life-long regrets and heartaches. I just could not bring myself to settle for anyone just to be able to say I am already spoken for.

One more thing, I’m not a late twenty-something-Venusian whose emotions are stone cold that it’s been impossible to get near those Martians.  I have a circle of male friends, and honestly, it’s really just that. I know, and I am sure, that no romance is ever going to blossom. 

I was quite surprised that one of these male friends has told me that he thinks the reason I do not have a boyfriend is because I value chastity and purity. To say it bluntly, I am not in favor of premarital sex.

 I am no saint. I have found myself on “dangerous grounds”, too; and everytime I do, I cling on to the values instilled upon me by my family; and I can proudly say, by educators/mentors in the Catholic schools I attended. I have to admit that it’s a lot easier to be a very bad girl than to be a good one. I definitely won’t pass as a naiveté. But I often joke around and say I’m more afraid of heaven opening up and an apparition will be right before me, caught in the act of “doing it”, than be fearful of the greater possibility of getting myself pregnant and be disowned by my family. In all seriousness, the grace of God allows me to bravely choose to be chaste. It really takes a strong will to do that which pleases God; and a lot of prayers to be firm in the decision to be good.

I know it is possible to love someone so much that you’re going to be willing to give and sacrifice everything to be with that person. But I have learned that I should never allow the mindless heart to rule me more than my head. It’s always painful to listen to the voices of reason more than to the heart. After all, the brain and the heart stand up and fight for different things. I was advised that if the dignity of what’s going to happen in the end outweighs the pain I’ll go through by choosing what is “right” now, then I’d rather heed what my cerebrum dictates because I’m better off intact.

I don’t want to justify my 'singlehood' since birth and the fact that I don’t have wedding plans so soon. But I hope I was able to get my point across. Choosing a lifetime partner needs more than having the right feeling. It takes nurturing, openness, sharing, maturity, and for making that vow, careful planning and real responsibility. Call me a hopeless romantic, but in my mind I have envisioned that perfect day.

In the meantime, I pray for a man after God’s own heart who first and foremost passes the qualifications my Heavenly Father has set for the husband He wants for me. I believe that somewhere out there is the man God has already blessed to be my other half; one with whom I am going to share pure, selfless love with.

People close to me sometimes tease me (almost mockingly) that I shall end up a spinster. Some say that I may end up in a convent. Only God knows. As a Roman Catholic, I am open to that option. I go where the Holy Spirit leads. I obey and follow when God calls. I’m going to cross the bridge when I get there! If marriage is meant for me, then I’d have my perfect moment. When the time comes, at least I’m sure to really savour every minute of it. Real love is supposed to take away all sorts of fear, and I definitely prefer to have that. (1 John 4:18)

In the meantime, I have not closed my doors. My best friend says my soul mate is already out there somewhere in the distant shores, and is just like me, waiting for the right and perfect time. God’s perfect time! As one song goes, love moves in mysterious ways, and so I just have to let it run its course. My heart will know when it has finally found its home.

I am excited at the thought that together, we shall decide on every bit of detail for our sacred union ~ our solemn vows, the wedding planner, the church, our Santacruzan-long entourage and so on. I’d love to make the decision with my partner and make more important ones for both of us together, for he’s going to be as prepared as I am to take on greater responsibilities.

By then, too, I would be able to wholeheartedly say, I do!