Saying "I Do"

(Note: This was written a decade ago; and I came across it while going through some files...) 

For the nth time, I’ve received an invitation that I shall take part in the wedding ceremony of a friend. This time I won’t be part of the entourage; instead I’ll be a lector during the mass and an emcee at the reception. I felt relieved. I need a break from always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So what’s the fuss about this talk of exchanging vows and tying the knot? For someone who’s just a few years short of being thirty and has been a member of  “Virgin Anonymous” and “No Boyfriend since Birth”, I ought to entertain the thought. Well, it has not been easy meeting my prince who’d sweep me off my feet. (Are we even in the same time zone, I wonder?) Where has all those legitimate bachelors gone? That’s probably another story. A friend told me that men are like buses and I need to get on the right one. Have I been waiting in vain at the wrong curb that I already missed it?

 I don’t want to sound too worried because truth is, I’m in no hurry to change my status yet. I still have several older friends who don’t show the slightest concern that they’re still single. They enjoy the freedom of doing what they want, nurturing their talents and spending their hard earned money for self-improvement and also for helping their families and others.  I choose to do that as well now.

We have different priorities and different ideas of the things that would make us fulfilled and happy. Has it not occurred to you that you might end up forever single (I am exaggerating) and spend cold nights alone with no one to look after you when you‘re gray and weak? I have to admit, I wish for marital bliss myself. But finding THE one is not just about physical attraction and perfect chemistry. There’s more to committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life than just  companionship, partnership and having children.

I have been pondering ~ I know we have the gift to choose. Isn't it choice that makes us higher than animals? Reason allows us to think before we act, to consider the consequences of our actions and not just follow our primitive instincts. It is choice that has brought us to the job we have, even the relationship we have put ourselves into. Making the right choice then saves us from life-long regrets and heartaches. I just could not bring myself to settle for anyone just to be able to say I am already spoken for.

One more thing, I’m not a late twenty-something-Venusian whose emotions are stone cold that it’s been impossible to get near those Martians.  I have a circle of male friends, and honestly, it’s really just that. I know, and I am sure, that no romance is ever going to blossom. 

I was quite surprised that one of these male friends has told me that he thinks the reason I do not have a boyfriend is because I value chastity and purity. To say it bluntly, I am not in favor of premarital sex.

 I am no saint. I have found myself on “dangerous grounds”, too; and everytime I do, I cling on to the values instilled upon me by my family; and I can proudly say, by educators/mentors in the Catholic schools I attended. I have to admit that it’s a lot easier to be a very bad girl than to be a good one. I definitely won’t pass as a naiveté. But I often joke around and say I’m more afraid of heaven opening up and an apparition will be right before me, caught in the act of “doing it”, than be fearful of the greater possibility of getting myself pregnant and be disowned by my family. In all seriousness, the grace of God allows me to bravely choose to be chaste. It really takes a strong will to do that which pleases God; and a lot of prayers to be firm in the decision to be good.

I know it is possible to love someone so much that you’re going to be willing to give and sacrifice everything to be with that person. But I have learned that I should never allow the mindless heart to rule me more than my head. It’s always painful to listen to the voices of reason more than to the heart. After all, the brain and the heart stand up and fight for different things. I was advised that if the dignity of what’s going to happen in the end outweighs the pain I’ll go through by choosing what is “right” now, then I’d rather heed what my cerebrum dictates because I’m better off intact.

I don’t want to justify my 'singlehood' since birth and the fact that I don’t have wedding plans so soon. But I hope I was able to get my point across. Choosing a lifetime partner needs more than having the right feeling. It takes nurturing, openness, sharing, maturity, and for making that vow, careful planning and real responsibility. Call me a hopeless romantic, but in my mind I have envisioned that perfect day.

In the meantime, I pray for a man after God’s own heart who first and foremost passes the qualifications my Heavenly Father has set for the husband He wants for me. I believe that somewhere out there is the man God has already blessed to be my other half; one with whom I am going to share pure, selfless love with.

People close to me sometimes tease me (almost mockingly) that I shall end up a spinster. Some say that I may end up in a convent. Only God knows. As a Roman Catholic, I am open to that option. I go where the Holy Spirit leads. I obey and follow when God calls. I’m going to cross the bridge when I get there! If marriage is meant for me, then I’d have my perfect moment. When the time comes, at least I’m sure to really savour every minute of it. Real love is supposed to take away all sorts of fear, and I definitely prefer to have that. (1 John 4:18)

In the meantime, I have not closed my doors. My best friend says my soul mate is already out there somewhere in the distant shores, and is just like me, waiting for the right and perfect time. God’s perfect time! As one song goes, love moves in mysterious ways, and so I just have to let it run its course. My heart will know when it has finally found its home.

I am excited at the thought that together, we shall decide on every bit of detail for our sacred union ~ our solemn vows, the wedding planner, the church, our Santacruzan-long entourage and so on. I’d love to make the decision with my partner and make more important ones for both of us together, for he’s going to be as prepared as I am to take on greater responsibilities.

By then, too, I would be able to wholeheartedly say, I do!

            

Pray, Hope and Don’t Worry

I have always believed that nothing happens to us in life unless God wills it so. Yes, we have our free will and we make our own choices, but it is with great conviction that I know our Loving Almighty Father always watches over us. “For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.” (Psalm 91:11)

Today, on the feast of Saint Padre Pio, I reminisce and reflect on my visit to San Giovanni Rotondo in the summer of 2011. The experience left an indelible mark on my soul.

It was weeks after weeks after World Youth Day Madrid. I went on a pilgrimage to several religious sites, Lourdes and Lisieux among them, and was at the end of my European sojourn. I visited relatives in Milan, and instead of flying straight to Manila, I decided to pay Padre Pio a visit.  

Milano Centrale. Photo © en.wikipedia.org

I did a little research on how to go around Padre Pio’s town. I was scheduled to leave Milano Centrale on August 31st, a little past 11pm and was expected to arrive Foggia at around 7 in the morning the next day. My aunt prepared packed breakfast for me (chicken adobo and rice), and my cousin ensured I had enough supply of water and snacks till I reach Fiumicino (in Rome). My aunt was not totally in favor of me travelling alone to an unfamiliar town. I did not speak the language. And I did not know anyone in San Giovanni Rotondo. But I assured her that I wouldn’t be entirely alone ~ I have my guardian angel to protect me, and Padre Pio to pray for me. 

My bus ticket to San Giovanni Rotondo; 
and a souvenir calendar.

Inside the night train, I barely even had forty winks. I used the time to pray several decades of the rosary and process everything I had been learning in that particular trip. I was inside a cabin for 6, with all male passengers except myself. At day break, when everyone started to wake up from a peaceful slumber, the Italians took notice that I was l'unica donna (the only lady), and got me engaged in conversation thanks to a younger passenger beside me who spoke comprehensible English! They gave me tips for my solo pilgrimage, and asked that I include them in prayers, saying that God knows who they are, and what the desires of their hearts are. A reminder on the lesson on charity: to always pray for others.

I arrived at Foggia around 7:30 in the morning. I freshened up before going to the bus stop that would take me to San Giovanni Rotondo. It wouldn’t leave till 8:15am. The Sita bus ride, according to one of my train cabin mates, would be about an hour. On the way, I sat by the window side to take in the beauty of that Italian city. From a distance was the Gargano Mountains, where San Giovanni Rotondo is. It felt like I was going to burst with excitement. 

(L-R) Entrance to the old Church of 
Holy Mary of Grace and the sanctuary inside

The Chiesa delle Santa Marie della Grazie (Church of Holy Mary of Grace) is atop a hill. The old church was where Padre Pio used to celebrate the Holy Mass, but due to the increasing number of pilgrims each year, the Santuario de Padre Pio was built beside it. As I entered its wooden door, it felt like coming home. I always have this sense of being welcome every single time I enter a church. I can spend hours and hours inside, contemplating the immeasurable love of God for me and for mankind! What a lovely way to end my European trip ~ to be in the house of God, to spend time adoring Him, together with His Mother Mary and servant Padre Pio!

I cannot remember exactly how long I spent inside the church, praying for my loved ones, for my country, for the world, and for my personal intentions. I even had the time to put all my prayer intentions in writing and drop it in one of the prayer boxes inside. 

It felt like a taste of a piece of heaven here on earth just being there. I can only imagine what God’s kingdom would be like; I am certain it’s going to surpass my expectations!

(L) Main Altar inside the Santuario de Padre Pio; and (R) details

I have to specially note that I absolutely loved the statue of Our Lady of Grace! There was that mother-son intimacy in the way the Blessed Virgin and the baby Jesus was depicted. Mother Mary had a faint smile on her face, and sadness in her eyes, too. Oh such sorrow and anguish she must have felt, knowing how her precious Son would suffer and die on the Cross. Yet she surrendered to the will of God, and believed with trust, courage and love that echoed her fiat until the very end.

I visited the crypt just below the Santa Maria delle Grazie Church, where Padre Pio’s body used to lie. He had an unfulfilled wish ~ “When I die I wish to be buried underground, because I am a worm, a great sinner.” His body is now inside the golden crypt of the Padre Pio pilgrimage church. 40 years after his death on September 23, 1968, his remains were found incorruptible on March 02, 2008.

The statue of Santa Maria delle Grazie

Around noon, my stomach started to grumble. (I opted a granola bar and water for breakfast). I tried to walk around the vicinity of the church but did not find a shaded area where I can eat lunch. Still inside the old church, I saw a nun and politely asked her if she spoke English. She replied in Filipino, to my utter joy I almost hugged her! She took me to a café downhill from the shrine, where I willingly shared my food with her. 

Over lunch, she told me how she has been inspired by Padre Pio’s simplicity and love for God. Padre Pio was known to have been a man of prayer who prayed almost continuously. Bearing the stigmata, his health declined, and yet he offered his sufferings to God for the conversion of souls. Sr. Marlyn Castor of the Congregation of the Sisters of the Holy Spirit in Ulpiani,  also shared that Padre Pio’s witness of the Love of God was almost palpable because of his humility and total submission to the will of God. 

Padre Pio's confessional. 
He had the gift to "read hearts"

Padre Pio used to say, "Unite yourself to my prayers... Pray, pray to the Lord with me, because the whole world needs prayer. And every day, when your heart especially feels the loneliness of life, pray. Pray to the Lord, because even God needs our prayers." He also encouraged his parishioners to pray for souls; "We must empty Purgatory with our prayers", he said.

I enjoyed my conversation with Sr. Marlyn about life, faith and even love. I told her someday I want to return to San Giovanni Rotondo again. Next time, mainly to thank Padre Pio for interceding for me. She told me to "Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer." Sr. Marlyn said, if it's meant to be, there is no way we can escape from God's will. I cannot even hide inside the belly of a whale!

Padre Pio Pilgrimage Church, 
dedicated on July 01, 2004.

Time and again, I have proven the power of prayer and the perfect timing of Divine Providence. God's generosity can never be outdone. And how amazing are His surprises, too! Sr. Marlyn was one of my earth angels that day. It was a wonderful blessing to have gained another precious friend. I also met some sisters from the Suore dell'Immacolata di Santa Chiara. I was spiritually refreshed and nourished and felt God’s love through the people He sent to me. 

What of my misadventures? Imagine going around a quaint Italian town pulling your 20-kilogram suitcase. Yup, I did just that. I won’t go through the details but I did learn from that experience, too.

Sr. Perpetua of Suore dell'Immacolata di Santa Chiara beside me,
and the Sr. Marlyn (in white habit).

What has Padre Pio taught me during my visit to his town?

In his words, “You must always humble yourself lovingly before God and before men, because God speaks only to those who are truly humble and He enriches them with His gifts. The Lord is willing to do great things, but on condition that we are truly humble.”

"Stairway to heaven." 
From the crypt of the new church 
going back to the old shrine.

“Don’t allow any sadness to dwell in your soul, for sadness prevents the Holy Spirit from acting freely. Live in such a way that your Heavenly Father may be proud of you, as he is proud of so many other chosen souls.”

A painting inside the Santuario de Padre Pio.
(Quotations added.)