Reflections While At the "Happiest Place on Earth"

With Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse.
Disneyland Resort Hong Kong. c. 2009

I recently visited Hong Kong Disneyland again. The first time I did, I was with my brothers. This time, I went with office mates.

Admittedly, I still felt extremely thrilled to be there, even though it had only been about a year ago since I had the most amazing time with my nephew and niece at Disney California Adventure. I can still feel the excitement of my nephew as we walked down Route 66 in Cars Land. I actually miss the semi-wild Radiator Spring Racers ride through the winding roads up the mountains, then through steep banks, and hairpin turns. And I clearly remember how my niece cried in fear while we were on one of the tractors at Mater's Junkyard Jamboree; I had to ask a Disney personnel to stop the ride so that we could get off. Ah, the things an "auntie spoiler" will do for a nephew/niece!

True Love: On Waiting, Keeping It Real, and Everything in Between

Never stop dreaming.

"Do not lose the ability to dream... If you lose the capacity to dream, then you lose the capacity to love...

What is the most important subject you have to learn in life? To learn how to love; and this is the challenge that life offers you: To learn how to love..." 

These quotations from Pope Francis' messages when he visited the Philippines last January 15-19 this year, keep playing in my head like a song that I cannot shake off. Lolo Kiko's words remind me of what one of my granduncles told me who I visited when I recently went to my parents' hometown. 

My Lolo told me, in an almost poetic recitation: "Ang bayabas na lunot, matakpan man ng mga dahon, matutuklasan pa din ng ibong masigasig sa kanyang paghahanap." (I'd roughly translate it as : An overripe guava, though covered by leaves, shall be discovered by a persevering bird). 

I shared a good laugh with my Lolo. I laughed that he likened me to a ripened (or overripe) fruit. But in between our shared giggles, he has been very reassuring. Being often bombarded with the question "So, when will the wedding bells finally ring for you?", my Lolo has put things in perspective for me. I have to admit that he seems to be more hopeful for me than I am for myself. He has been consistent in telling me that I am going to be married to a... well, I'd leave those details as our little secret. (Heaven knows anyway, and that's what matters!) He accurately describes what I have always been consistently praying for. Of all the people who often asks me "when" it is finally going to be, I do not actually mind it if it is coming from this said grand uncle. Because he also always tells me that I should not rush what the Lord's plans are for me. He constantly reminds me that all things shall work out perfectly according to God's will. My Lolo always tells me whenever I get the chance to chat with him that I should never stop dreaming and hoping, because God shall grant the desires of my heart in His perfect time. 

It is always encouraging talking to him, instead of listening to people telling me that I am not getting any younger, that my biological clock is ticking, that it's terrible and sad to grow old alone, and so on and so forth. 

Not that I feel old and miserable. Some seem to have the notion that just because I am single, I am lonely and sulky. Others even have this ridiculous conclusion that I am so desperate to find a husband soon that I will do anything and everything to be able to change my title from Ms. to Mrs. Well, there goes my so called friends. Those who truly know me inside and out, and who unconditionally love me, know what I want, know that I will not stupidly (forgive my French) rush things, and that I will never compromise my values, especially my Faith.

I'd like to blame it on February. It is still the love month, after all. I have been lovingly, if not annoyingly, barraged again with the "marriage question" by concerned friends and relatives who seem to have no one else to ask but me. By this time actually, I already know those who are truly concerned and those who are about to give scornful utterances and start derisive heckling. I have learned to avoid the latter. 

So what can a single-Catholic woman do until Pure, True Love comes to find her?

Plenty. There's actually so much to do; personally I sometimes feel I need more than 24 hours in a day to do all of them.

Wanderlust has got me: Lisieux, Lourdes, London, Paris, Rome,
Chicago, Sydney, and the Vatican City are definitely places I will return to.

Discover Something New, and Do What You're Passionate About

Who said I am lonely again? Far from being discouraged that I have yet to be the wife of Mr. Loving-and-Tech-Savvy-Able-To-Take-Care-of-Me (who my Lolo always says has been born already, is somewhere in the other part of the world, but still needs a little bit more convincing  from God and our Lady that I actually exist), I am actually enjoying the time of my life now. One of the things that I enjoy doing as a single woman is travelling. Fifteen years ago, I wrote something about wanting to see the world. I have not actually been to all the seven continents yet, but I have taken the steps to do that. There are activities I wanted to do, and places I once dreamt of visiting, that I already crossed out from my bucket list. I have gotten out of my comfort zone, have conquered my fears, and have surpassed expectations of myself. Apart from the adventure and learning about other cultures, I discover the world in a way that I know I will not learn inside a classroom. Going places has opened my eyes, and has helped me develop skills I did not know I had. 

A recent awesome blessing: being a volunteer 
News writer/Blogger for the official 
Church Media team for the #PapalVisitPH

Besides being constantly bitten by the travel bug, I have also focused my time on what I am passionate about. I have always loved to be involved in the community, especially in Church ministries. In one of the boldest decisions I have had to make, (which may have turned me into a big fool in the eyes of others), I left the corporate world and am now a full time youth-pastoral worker in our diocese. It may not be as financially rewarding, but I have no regrets. Nothing compares to the joy I have in God whom I serve.

I love to volunteer. The very first time I actually did was way back in 5th grade. I assisted in a SPED class. I also volunteered then in a youth group in our neighborhood. Through the years, volunteering has always kept me busy, and in a good way. Thinking about it now, volunteering has helped increase my self-confidence. It gives me a natural sense of accomplishment. I think it may be one of the reasons I don't feel depressed. Being in regular contact with others, and exposing myself to people with common interests, has helped broaden my support network, and has definitely gained me new friends. And I think it has also helped me develop my social skills. (I remember being shy as a little girl!) Volunteering is my kind of a relaxing, energizing escape from the daily routine of work. It renews my motivation, even my creativity. Personally, I think helping others kindles happiness. 

I am Pro-Life to the core. (I have shared my story here, and shared some insights here.) If I could fix my schedule, I do my best to take part in pro-Life projects. One such activity was held last February 14th. I joined friends from other pro-Life movements in their campaign to counter the free-condom-giving activity of RH Bill supporters who endorse safe sex but not genuine love. 

Volunteers from MYA Cubao,
and recipients of the candy-giving activity

Pro-Lifers went around Manila, particularly in the University Belt, to promote pure Love, and the beautiful virtue of chastity. The theme of the activity was #WeKeepLoveReal. I have sought the help of volunteers from the Ministry of Youth Affairs of the Diocese of Cubao to participate in the "Stay-Pure" candy-giving. Repacking the candies was easy; but giving them away was a challenge. Some were reluctant to receive them even if the candies were free. Others gave a cold look of what seemed disbelief. There were even those who rejected the sweet treats. Some needed a few explanations as to why we were doing what we're doing before they accepted the pack of candies. While there were those who willingly and thankfully accepted them without any questions. 

One of the Cubao youth volunteers, in reflecting about the whole experience, said that the activity was like the search for one's true love. You get ignored, doubted, rejected, even brokenhearted several times, before the love God meant you to have comes along. And when it comes, it could only be the very best, and well, the sweetest that one could ever imagine. 

Perhaps you, too, have dreams you want to fulfill, or places you want to visit, or causes close to your heart that you want to get involved in. Be courageous and start ticking them off your list now while you haven't yet tied the knot!


Get to Know God More. Do Radical, Time-Consuming Things to Spread the Joy of the Gospel.

Yes, be a radical, and satisfied single person. 

Jesus' love for us is a radical kind~ a love that's unconditional, frees us from the bondage of sin and death, and brings back our dignities as children of God. To be radical means to go back to the basics, to what is truly essential; and to be in a real relationship with God and not with the world. Being radical means getting rid of our greed, self-righteousness, complacency, compromise, and relativism.

Being single actually has its own dangers. (Especially in unwanted singleness). Satan is after all of us, but I think the devil loves to taunt single people because it is an opportunity for him to discourage and deceive those like us who are single and are serving God and the Church.  One temptation of being single is living one's life according to one's desires. And I mean doing everything that the world tells us will give us satisfaction and happiness. Another temptation is to believe that marriage will meet our needs and solve our problems. It is not always true, as we may have heard from our married friends and family who seem to regret jumping into marriage unprepared. (Check out Saint Paul's advice on 1 Corinthians 7:1-11). 

I have to mention that discernment is vital in order to radically follow Jesus. We have to be willing to follow in His footsteps, because He will never force us into doing something that is against our will. That's just how much God loves us. He respects our decisions, and patiently waits for us to obey Him.

Speaking of discernment, I have come across people who seem to be afraid of doing it. There is the notion that once you discern, "search-in" particularly, you will end up in a convent or seminary. That is not always the case. Some are indeed called into the religious life. Most, into married life to have a family, while others, to be in the state of single-blessedness.  

Another radical thing I did in my life, besides leaving my high-paying job, was taking my Faith experience to the next level. I have been serving God and His people since my teenage years. (I have to mention that I am thankful to my mom for praying for my siblings and I to become active in Church. And for being very supportive, too.)  After several months of discerning, I have joined the Third Order of Saint Dominic, or the Lay Dominicans, under the Our Lady of La Naval Chapter in Santo Domingo Parish. It's been a year already; I need several years more before I become perpetually professed. It was not an easy decision. I wrestled with God, figuratively, about it. I struggled because of the knowledge of my own weaknesses, my fears, vulnerabilities, relentless pain, and exhaustion. And plus I had many other plans that I wanted accomplished! But He had a way with me. With the mercy of God, I eventually confronted those feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, failures, and everything that hurt me, my sins included. Only after I ceased struggling did I realize that I really cannot live life without God; I need Him so that I may receive the power of true conversion and transformation, the grace to be able to totally abandon myself to His will, and the gift to have endurance, faith, and courage.

Part of that long discernment process was knowing that God intended me for marriage. I have stopped asking Him when it is actually going to happen. I only know with certainty that it shall be as He wants it, in His kairos, and not according to my own timeline.

Even in our sinfulness, God our Father will only give the very best to His faithful children. I was told that if I could do all means possible to get to know a person I wish to be married to, why not double the effort as well in getting to know He who has planted all these wonderful dreams in my heart? 

So while I wait, I believe that it is important to spend time to satisfy one's soul, and to first learn what true love really is from Him who is Love Himself. We love because God loved us first. Only when we really know what Love, and what He intended the holy sacrament of matrimony to be, can it be possible to have a loving marital relationship.


Become the Spouse You Want to Marry

It is easier said than done, but I do my best to use my time being single as an opportunity to become the kind of person I would want to marry. It is a good time to assess my strengths and weaknesses, and to take active steps so that I can improve myself. It is also a great time to nurture the gifts God has blessed me with. 

Part of the waiting period is staying chaste. Some people mockingly tell me that I am missing out a lot in life because I am still a virgin. People have different views about their sexuality. I value mine the way my Father in heaven values me; He is my King and therefore I am His princess. I won't settle for anyone less than who He has specially prepared for me. Waiting till marriage for sex does not mean I will put my life on hold. As I have said, there are many beneficial things to do that can help make a better version of myself, as well as not endanger my soul. 

The only time I will have a sexual relationship is when I and my future husband have first brought God into it through the sacrament of holy matrimony. I will not have anything less. I believe that that is the only way copulation will bring true, lasting joy in a man-woman relationship. I remember reading from a book long ago that sex should be free, total, faithful, and fruitful. I want that! My husband and I shall give ourselves freely to each other, unselfishly, unconditionally, without coercion nor price tag. We shall give of ourselves completely to each other, holding nothing back. We shall be loyal and true to each other, and shall only have each other as long as we both live. And of course, we shall both be open to life, and will not do anything to render the act infertile. 

Volunteering, and Keeping Love Real by
Spreading the Joy and Love of God to everyone.

I know I need to be realistic, too. I may be a virgin still, but I cannot really expect the same thing for my future husband. (I hope I am wrong that virgin men are rare these days!) I am not perfect myself. So I am leaving a big room in my heart to love him by accepting that he, too, like me, has weaknesses and shortcomings.  I am pretty sure my love for him shall be stronger that I shall look past his mistakes. 

The goal is to become a woman after God's own heart; and it involves not just my own might, but more the mercy and grace of God which makes the impossible possible. It is my prayer , too, that my future husband shall be one who is also passionate about following Jesus, and desires to be a man after His Heart as well.

I may sound too idealistic, but as God's daughter, I just cannot compromise my values. The ultimate dream (and blessing) is to have a marriage that has a Christ-centered intimacy. I want a marriage that is modeled on Trinitarian Love.  Jesus has shown us that real love is pure, and is willing to lay down one's life for the beloved. That's the kind of love I want to share with my future husband. Ultimately, I want a marriage that will make saints of our future children, and one that shall bring us all to heaven. 

Ask God great things. What else could He not give; He gave us His only Begotten Son! God who is our Loving Father is able to do far more abundantly (and infinitely) beyond all that we ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)


Set the World on Fire.

One of the many Saints who has been instrumental in my discernment was Saint Catherine of Siena. (I later learned that she is the patroness of Lay Dominicans!) Her advice during her time still applies to us all even now: "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." 

I believe that true love waits. (Originally, it means sexual abstinence outside of marriage). For me, it also means patiently waiting for the one true love that God has specially prepared just for me. While I wait for him, I shall do what I ought to do ~ according to what God has created me for:  to be His hands, His feet, even His voice, so that the world may know that His mercy and love endures forever. Borrowing from another patroness, Saint Therese of Lisieux, "my vocation is Love."

I entrust the ribbon of my life to the loving hands of my Sweetest Mother Mary, who unties all the knots in it; and to Saint Joseph, my dearest patron.

Here's to dreaming big dreams, and setting the world ablaze!

The Challenge To Be Merciful and Compassionate

When you have all the reasons to get miffed, how does one practice mercy and compassion? 

I have had a hectic schedule for the last two months, and it is even busier in the coming weeks. This morning I thought of all the things that make me tick and offered them to God...

Sleep deprivation. Messed-up meal times. Technical difficulties at work. Stifling heat. My allergies. Some characters who think they own the world and act like they have the right to make slaves of everyone. Traffic everywhere. 

These and other little things that can make a person easily irked or go ballistic are just some of the things that can spike my cortisol levels into unbelievable heights. Add to these stimuli are some people who will just get into my nerves no matter how hard I try to be nice. Often, I do not have the gentleness of an angel; nor the patience of a saint. I am sometimes short-fused like Saul of Tarsus when provoked. But through the years, I have, if I may say so, become tamed. (On that note, even my snootiness has tempered.)

I am God's work in progress. I am glad my conversion did not include falling to the ground like what happened to Saint Paul on the road to Damascus! Neither was there a burning bush nor peals of thunder and arrows like lightning! From day one, I was introduced to a loving, gentle God who will never turn His back on me. His loving kindness drew me back to run to Him, like a prodigal daughter returning into the loving arms of the Almighty Father.

To be  a woman after God's own heart really requires both His Grace and my cooperation! I am just so glad we have a merciful, very patient God who never gives up on me!

This morning I was begging God to fix my schedule for me so that I can fulfill all the dreams He has planted in my heart. I was also dreaming of a much-needed "hibernation." But he reminded me to do (and keep on doing) certain things so that I shall always have "grace under pressure."

Start the day with a prayer. This I have proven to be foolproof! When I begin my day even with a few moments to talk to the Lord, the day passes in a breeze. "In the face of so many wounds that hurt us and could lead to a hardness of heart, we are called to dive into the sea of prayer, which is the sea of the boundless love of God, in order to experience His tenderness."(Pope Francis) Prayer does not have to be very long. What is important is that it is sincere. I usually start my "conversation" with the Lord the moment I open my eyes. I thank Him for waking up to another day. I offer Him the plans and activities that need to be done, and pray that in everything I may be able to give Him glory and praise. I always bear in mind that it is not my work; that it is not my mission, but it is God's. He is only using me to be His hands and feet ~ His heart. If it is possible to go to daily Mass, then I  go. I do my very best to do so. "The Mass is the most perfect form of prayer." (Blessed Pope Paul VI)

Forgive seventy times seven. We all stumble and make mistakes. Sometimes we do hurtful things to others, intentionally or unintentionally. When someone wrongs us, do we choose to retaliate, or do we use our energy instead to resolve misunderstandings or issues? Jesus challenges us to make allowances for each other's faults and forgive those who offend us, just as He never tires on forgiving us. During the Mass of the Lord's Supper in 2013, Pope Francis said "... Sometimes I am angry with someone or other... but... let it go, let it go, and if he or she asks you a favor, do it. Help one another: this is what Jesus teaches us and this (is) what I am doing, and doing with all my heart." Jesus' example ought to motivate us to be merciful, because God in His inexhaustible mercy has also forgiven us. In the Lord's prayer, we say "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."(Matthew 6:12). Either we take the path towards revenge, or opt for reconciliation. The choice is really ours.

A smile begets a smile . Pope Francis said, "I cannot imagine a Christian who does not know how to smile. May we joyfully witness to our faith." Happiness is contagious; smiling is an outward expression of joy... In my daily commute, I'd often come across people who test my patience. In the past, little annoyances would ruin my day. I have learned now to try to look at the bright side of every situation. I have read somewhere that we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. It is the same with the way we choose to deal with every circumstance in our life. The way we respond to others, even the way we choose to see things, make all the difference. Happiness is a conscious choice. Sometimes, all it takes is a smile to cheer-up someone who is in sorrow, or let another person feel at ease. A smile can brighten the darkest day!

Count your blessings. I remember one of my favorite childhood fairy tales, Peter Pan, where he said, "Think of happy thoughts and you will fly!" As Christians, we ought to think of all the blessings God bestows upon each of us and count them! "Young people who choose Christ are strong: They are fed by His Word and they do not 'stuff themselves' with money, possessions and fleeting pleasure", Pope Francis told the youth last 29th (diocesan) WYD earlier this year. Yes whatever wealth or possession we have right now are blessings, too. But those that really matter are not the things that money can buy! Wealth of priceless value includes our family, our friends, our Faith, and many more! Whenever I begin to think of my real treasures, I cannot help but smile and forget my inconveniences. 

Go the extra mile. As worn out as it may sound, I believe this adage is still good advice. Going the extra mile is not just doing more of what is expected of us, but it is also putting our hearts in whatever we are doing, and doing even the simplest things in love. Oh yes, Love. Love is always the best answer. "Love is the measure of faith", Pope Francis tweeted @Pontifex. Our Holy Father also said that "Faith when centered in service opens oneself to a true encounter with God." We are all called to follow the example of Jesus who laid down His life for us. There is so much loneliness and despair in the world because we who are in Christ fail to live out our baptismal duty of sharing God's love and mercy with others. Pope Francis reminds us that "Everyday we are all called to become a 'caress of God' for those who perhaps have forgotten their first caresses or perhaps who never have felt a caress in their life."

Swim against the tide. We live in an age where Faith and morals are sadly downplayed. The world entices us to settle for vain and empty illusions of happiness. Pope Francis told the youth to "Pay attention, my young friends: to go against the current; this is good for the heart, but we need courage to swim against the tide... We Christians were not chosen by the Lord for little things; push on-wards toward the highest principles. Stake your lives on noble ideals, my dear young people!" (Pope Francis, April 28, 2013 Homily) In another instance, His Holiness said, "Say NO to an ephemeral, superficial and throwaway culture, a culture that assumes that you are incapable on taking responsibility and facing the great challenges of life... Have the courage to swim against the tide. Have courage to be truly happy... Think big instead! Open your hearts!" I find assurance in the hope and joy I have in Christ. What a stress-reliever to know that when I obey God, I bring joy to His heart.

Focus on Jesus. In a world now too caught up with the advances in technology, in easy access to comfort and instant gratification, we sometimes lose sight of the things that are really important. We forget that God is the Source of all the blessings we have. The Vicar of Christ teaches us that "Following and accompanying Christ, staying with Him, demands 'coming out of ourselves'... out of a dreary way of living Faith that has become a habit, out of the temptation to withdraw into our own plans which end by shutting out God's creative action." (Papal Audience, March 27, 2014). Pope Francis reminds us that "The life of Jesus is a life for others. It is a life of service."  Following Jesus, and keeping our eyes fixed on Him also means trusting Him fully. "Trust in God banishes all fear and sets us free from every form of slavery and all worldly temptations", Pope Francis said. When we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of Faith, we receive the grace to strip off every weight that slows us down and we are able to run with endurance the race God has set before us. (Hebrews 12:1-2). We are able to fight the good fight with courage and determination, and are not easily discouraged. We are able to persevere and are not afraid to share the Gospel even when the world considers us foolish because we are assured that in Jesus we find our strength and our salvation. 

Remember always that we are made for happiness. Choosing to leave the corporate world and embracing a life of pastoral work in the vineyard of God has been the most radical, craziest decision I have made in my life, and I have no regrets. It is not financially fulfilling, but it has filled my life with so much joy. A few weeks ago, coming home late again from work, my mother exclaimed, "It is not easy being a fisher of men!" I did not have the right words to say at that moment, but my heart was overwhelmed with so much happiness. I no longer enjoy the "glamour and prestige" of being a career woman in Makati, but I know that I am perfectly where God wants me to be. "Faith in God has everything to do with the happiness we are made for. Jesus did not come to take away our fun. In His words, 'I have told you these things so that My joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete!'" (xt3.org Advent Calendar 12/1/14)

Pope Francis said that "To change the world, we must be good to those who cannot repay us." He challenges each one of us to be Jesus for others. "To love God and neighbor is not something abstract, but profoundly concrete: it means seeing in every person the face of the Lord to be served, to serve him concretely... Love is expressed more clearly in actions than in words. There is greater love in giving than in receiving. These two criteria are like the pillars of true love: deeds, and the gift of self." (Homily, 6/7/13 Feast of the Sacred Heart)

Right now, one song plays over and over in my head ~ the prayer of generosity of Saint Ignatius of Loyola: Lord, teach me to be generous... to give and not to count the cost... to labor and not to ask for reward, save that of knowing that I do Your will. I remind myself now that patience is a virtue. That in my journey, I must travel with Jesus along the path of Love. I pray to be able to do everything in love. I pray to be constantly renewed by God's mercy so that with His grace, I may always be merciful and compassionate like Jesus.

"I-Thou" : The Experience of God's Mercy and Compassion

"The joy of the Gospel fills the hearts and lives of all who encounter Jesus. Those who accept His offer of salvation are set free from sin, sorrow, inner emptiness and loneliness. With Christ, joy is constantly born anew." ~Pope Francis, Evangelii Gaudium

I have just gone back from Talisay City, Negros Occidental last Friday night after a conference on the New Evangelization and the Young, organized by Bukal ng Tipan CICM Maryshore. The heart of the talks during the conference was the Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium of the Holy Father, Pope Francis. I will be writing about that in another article, and will focus here on my experience during my five-day sojourn in the City of Smiles.

I have been busy at work during the past weeks prior to the trip, and I looked forward to be away from the hustle and bustle of city life. I needed fresh air, and I literally got that in Maryshore where every morning I woke up to a magnificent view of flowering perennial evergreen trees and the sea. And before our good nights, I was able to do what I loved doing as a child ~ look up and marvel at the constellations shining like myriad diamonds in the dark blue vastness of the evening sky. 

Blessed Mother Teresa was right. "We need to find God and He cannot be found in the noise and the restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how in nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We  need silence to be able to touch souls."

More than anything, I prayed to have an even deeper encounter with Jesus my Savior and Greatest Friend.

Breathtaking view at Maryshore!

One of the most meaningful moments during the conference was when we were asked to write down what we would like to become for the youth we serve and minister to. We were asked to pair with another participant. My partner in that activity said he will be fearless like a lion and a joyful animator. I wrote down I'd like to be a joyful, ready to listen companion and friend. When we got back to the big group, the person beside me said he'd be an I-Thou. He wants to be Jesus to every person he will meet.

For a short background, the "I and Thou" relationship is a form of existentialism proposed by Martin Buber, an Austrian-born Israeli Jewish philosopher. In his book, he said that human life finds its meaningfulness in relationships, which bring us ultimately in relationship with God who is the Eternal Thou. The essential character of the I-Thou is the abandonment of the world of sensation, the melting of the between, so that the relationship with another "I" is foremost.

An encounter with Jesus brings joy...
New friends: some participants of the NE Conference

That person, turned friend and big brother, told me that he was inspired by the Holy Spirit to strive to be the "Thou" ~ to be Jesus for others. As a part-time professor of Philosophy in one of the prestigious schools in his town, and having a bigger audience as a radio announcer, he commands respect and adulation from students and fans. It was noteworthy that he acknowledges that people need to see and experience God through him. Prior to that conversation in the big group, I got to be with him when we had an immersion to meet young sakadas (sugar plantation workers). It was, unbeknownst to him then, that God used him as an instrument to speak to me.

I'd digress a little. I have heard about the plight of the sakadas in the movies and telenovelas. Meeting real life sugar plantation workers in an hacienda moved me. Where did I find Jesus in that scorching, awe-inspiring place? In the workers themselves. 

Sakadas: Joven is on the right

We met some workers, Joven, a 17-year old young sakada, was one of them. He said he wakes up early every morning to begin harvesting the sugar canes. They have their lunch at noon until about two o'clock in the afternoon and resume to work right away. We asked if he still goes to school, and he said he cannot do so anymore. Like most young workers, Joven stopped studying and needed to work to help make both ends meet at home. His father and older brother work with him in the hacienda. But what struck me most about him is his happy disposition as he cut the the cane very close to the ground, but not too close to the root to avoid hindering regrowth. (I was told that the highest concentration of sucrose is on the base of the plant.) In spite of the risks to health due to the working conditions and the physical movement inherent to the task, Joven seemed to have found joy in what he does. He is after all, doing it for his family. For love... It really always boils down to love.

Highlight of every day: the celebration of the Holy Eucharist

I am a workaholic, sometimes to the point of being at the brink of a burnout. The physical exhaustion~ I can deal with easily. I just sleep. But to have the heart working harder? 

We have heard the proverbial phrase "you cannot give what you do not have." This I know to be very true. Often, I'd cry out to God like Blessed Mother Teresa probably did when she said "I know God won't give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish He did not trust me so much." 

Sometimes I feel I do not love enough, or that I have nothing left to give. Often I have to endure a broken heart ~ broken for the same reasons God's heart breaks: for that mentally-challenged woman in the streets who bore a child after being raped... For that full term baby being aborted... For that little boy begging alms so he can have a piece of bread... For that person who refused to accept His love and willfully chose to end his own life... Sometimes I get too overwhelmed when Jesus allows me to experience a tiny portion of his heartache as he hung on the Cross. I break down and cry...

There are times, too, when I feel that I am not doing enough for the Lord. I get into a crisis and ask myself if what I am doing is worthwhile. I wonder if I am able to impact a life; if I am able to inspire hope; if in all these things that keep me busy, I am pleasing God. I ask myself if I am able to make use of the time, talent and treasures He has given me, not for myself but for others. 

I am praying that somehow, I have been able to save a soul. Just one would be enough to make me overjoyed. But God uses me to plant the seed, He nurtures and does the rest. It is not my mission after all; it is the Lord's. I am only His instrument.

But even in my knowledge of God's unfathomable mercy and compassion for me, I felt confounded. There were days when I ask if my fight is still worth fighting for. I wondered if I am still on the right path ~ the path that God wants me to take. I really needed God to assure me not just in the silence of my heart. I needed someone to tell me that I must persevere because He has already won the battle for me.

The Lord looked past my failures and weaknesses and spoke to me with mercy and love. In his compassion, all the answers I wanted to hear, God told me loud and clear through the instrument He sent to deliver the message. 

My I-Thou re-encounter with Jesus who is my Merciful King and Good Shepherd gave me so much comfort and consolation. There is no question that because of His grace, I am able to remain firm in the Faith. But sometimes, when the heart gets too overwhelmed, especially when it is expected to give more and love more than is required, and to be strong so that others may live, it causes me to get momentarily bedazzled then groping in the dark. I was feeling like that, and I needed a physical encounter with my God that I may be filled with love to the brim in order that I may be emptied for others again. I hear Him in silence, but I longed to hear Him speak loving words to me. I needed Him to be my Emmanuel. 

As always, God is so magnanimous and overlooked my sinfulness. He gave me what I desired. He affirmed my mission through the messenger He sent to me. The Lord assured me that I need to persevere in fighting the good fight; that Faith and Love are worth fighting for, that my hope is always in Him who assured me of victory. 

The bonus blessing of the re-encounter with Jesus was gaining a grande fratello (big brother). Being the eldest, I have always been the big sister not just to my siblings, but also to most of my friends and the youth in the ministry. It felt reassuring to know that I can also be the "bunso" (youngest). Jesus after all is the firstborn over all Creation. (Rev 1:5, Col 1:15). It felt wonderful to be the sorella minore (little sister).

Mercy and compassion must move us to alleviate the sufferings of others, and leave them with a lasting and palpable joy. I encountered Jesus amidst the scathing afternoon sun. I found Him, my Lord and my God, in the presence and care of a friend.

"Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum"

I love to quote Saint John Paul II when he said that "In the designs of Providence, there are no mere coincidences."

Just recently, I met a religious sister who told me to always remember my first yes to God, as I will find in it the resolve and the strength to persevere in fighting the good fight till the very end, especially in times of trials and struggles.

God has required my "yeses" so many times. At first I would resist a bit, but then I could not just find it in my heart to say no to Him.

The most pivotal of all those yeses happened more than two years ago. I spent Holy Week for the first time in the United States and spent Good Friday in Chicago. I sorely missed the Philippines then, because here, I get to observe the holy in the Semana Santa where we have the Pabasa, the Visita Iglesia, among other pious practices that we have.

I had to do with whatever service the Church in the US had. Good Friday is not even a holiday there. I ached knowing that if one day God will allow me to live there, I will not be having days of observance of the Church's holiest days. 

On that Good Friday in 2012, I was at the Holy Name Cathedral of Chicago, and contemplated on the Passion and Death of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. In the middle of the Liturgy and before the Veneration of the Cross, I heard the Spirit of God whisper to my heart, "I love you and Am able to give all that you ask. Are you willing to follow Me and carry the cross I shall give you?"

I had many fears and was aware of my own weaknesses. But I answered, "Yes, Lord, here i am. i will follow You."

Inside my head He showed me all that I have been praying for and all that He can give me. I knew that He shall be giving them to me in His time and not in mine.

Our omnipresent God whispered again, "I love you my child. You know that with Me all things are possible, and that even in the blink of an eye, I can give you all that you pray for and desire. But are you willing to wait for My perfect time? Do you trust Me fully? Are you willing to offer sacrifices, carry your cross and suffer for the salvation of others, while you await the fulfillment of My promises to you?"

How do you answer when the Lord asks you these questions?

With resignation in my heart and tears in my eyes, i answered, "Yes Lord, here i am. Make my heart meek and humble. Make my heart like unto Thine."

In my mind I saw women silently crying and being pushed by their circumstances to commit abortion. I saw children being forced to work while their parents neglect them. I saw young people succumb in immorality, vices and addiction. I couldn't help but cry. And I knew God wanted me to cooperate with His will and be one of His instruments to help allay fear and pain in the world.

It was overwhelming. I knew it entailed responsibility and the offering of my entire self. I shook in fear and uncertainty. I felt so unworthy to be called. I felt I was too shattered myself I cannot do much for those who are also suffering.

Finally, the Lord once again reassured me, "I love you, and I can do everything for you and give you that which you most desire..." At that point, I cried uncontrollably. I have this litany of prayers I have been begging the Lord to give me. But serving in Church ministries for a long time, I knew about patiently waiting for God's kairos. The Lord went on to ask me, "Are you willing to wait, carry your cross, commit your life to Me, and trust in My perfect will?"

In my heart of hearts, I borrowed my Sweetest Mother and Queen's reply, "Ecce ancilla Domini. Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum." Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to Thy Word.

I look back today to that fateful day of my yes to God. I look back with happiness and tears of joy where it has taken me in my Faith journey.

Pope Francis reminds me, and all of us, that we are His people on a journey. "When we set out on a journey, when we are on a path, we always discover new things, things which we did not know... Life is a journey toward the fullness of Jesus Christ."

"God is a God of surprises..." (Pope Francis)

There is peace in obedience to the will of God. There is joy in pain (pain of waiting most especially!) But God surprises me with His goodness and mercy! He is never outdone in His generosity and love for me... 

Oh what a journey it has been!

Saying "I Do"

(Note: This was written a decade ago; and I came across it while going through some files...) 

For the nth time, I’ve received an invitation that I shall take part in the wedding ceremony of a friend. This time I won’t be part of the entourage; instead I’ll be a lector during the mass and an emcee at the reception. I felt relieved. I need a break from always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

So what’s the fuss about this talk of exchanging vows and tying the knot? For someone who’s just a few years short of being thirty and has been a member of  “Virgin Anonymous” and “No Boyfriend since Birth”, I ought to entertain the thought. Well, it has not been easy meeting my prince who’d sweep me off my feet. (Are we even in the same time zone, I wonder?) Where has all those legitimate bachelors gone? That’s probably another story. A friend told me that men are like buses and I need to get on the right one. Have I been waiting in vain at the wrong curb that I already missed it?

 I don’t want to sound too worried because truth is, I’m in no hurry to change my status yet. I still have several older friends who don’t show the slightest concern that they’re still single. They enjoy the freedom of doing what they want, nurturing their talents and spending their hard earned money for self-improvement and also for helping their families and others.  I choose to do that as well now.

We have different priorities and different ideas of the things that would make us fulfilled and happy. Has it not occurred to you that you might end up forever single (I am exaggerating) and spend cold nights alone with no one to look after you when you‘re gray and weak? I have to admit, I wish for marital bliss myself. But finding THE one is not just about physical attraction and perfect chemistry. There’s more to committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life than just  companionship, partnership and having children.

I have been pondering ~ I know we have the gift to choose. Isn't it choice that makes us higher than animals? Reason allows us to think before we act, to consider the consequences of our actions and not just follow our primitive instincts. It is choice that has brought us to the job we have, even the relationship we have put ourselves into. Making the right choice then saves us from life-long regrets and heartaches. I just could not bring myself to settle for anyone just to be able to say I am already spoken for.

One more thing, I’m not a late twenty-something-Venusian whose emotions are stone cold that it’s been impossible to get near those Martians.  I have a circle of male friends, and honestly, it’s really just that. I know, and I am sure, that no romance is ever going to blossom. 

I was quite surprised that one of these male friends has told me that he thinks the reason I do not have a boyfriend is because I value chastity and purity. To say it bluntly, I am not in favor of premarital sex.

 I am no saint. I have found myself on “dangerous grounds”, too; and everytime I do, I cling on to the values instilled upon me by my family; and I can proudly say, by educators/mentors in the Catholic schools I attended. I have to admit that it’s a lot easier to be a very bad girl than to be a good one. I definitely won’t pass as a naiveté. But I often joke around and say I’m more afraid of heaven opening up and an apparition will be right before me, caught in the act of “doing it”, than be fearful of the greater possibility of getting myself pregnant and be disowned by my family. In all seriousness, the grace of God allows me to bravely choose to be chaste. It really takes a strong will to do that which pleases God; and a lot of prayers to be firm in the decision to be good.

I know it is possible to love someone so much that you’re going to be willing to give and sacrifice everything to be with that person. But I have learned that I should never allow the mindless heart to rule me more than my head. It’s always painful to listen to the voices of reason more than to the heart. After all, the brain and the heart stand up and fight for different things. I was advised that if the dignity of what’s going to happen in the end outweighs the pain I’ll go through by choosing what is “right” now, then I’d rather heed what my cerebrum dictates because I’m better off intact.

I don’t want to justify my 'singlehood' since birth and the fact that I don’t have wedding plans so soon. But I hope I was able to get my point across. Choosing a lifetime partner needs more than having the right feeling. It takes nurturing, openness, sharing, maturity, and for making that vow, careful planning and real responsibility. Call me a hopeless romantic, but in my mind I have envisioned that perfect day.

In the meantime, I pray for a man after God’s own heart who first and foremost passes the qualifications my Heavenly Father has set for the husband He wants for me. I believe that somewhere out there is the man God has already blessed to be my other half; one with whom I am going to share pure, selfless love with.

People close to me sometimes tease me (almost mockingly) that I shall end up a spinster. Some say that I may end up in a convent. Only God knows. As a Roman Catholic, I am open to that option. I go where the Holy Spirit leads. I obey and follow when God calls. I’m going to cross the bridge when I get there! If marriage is meant for me, then I’d have my perfect moment. When the time comes, at least I’m sure to really savour every minute of it. Real love is supposed to take away all sorts of fear, and I definitely prefer to have that. (1 John 4:18)

In the meantime, I have not closed my doors. My best friend says my soul mate is already out there somewhere in the distant shores, and is just like me, waiting for the right and perfect time. God’s perfect time! As one song goes, love moves in mysterious ways, and so I just have to let it run its course. My heart will know when it has finally found its home.

I am excited at the thought that together, we shall decide on every bit of detail for our sacred union ~ our solemn vows, the wedding planner, the church, our Santacruzan-long entourage and so on. I’d love to make the decision with my partner and make more important ones for both of us together, for he’s going to be as prepared as I am to take on greater responsibilities.

By then, too, I would be able to wholeheartedly say, I do!