Am I a Stepping Stone or a Stumbling Block?

"A thousand times I've failed still Your mercy remains. Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in Your grace..."

Photo Credit: Carla Arizala-Protesta

This song has been playing on repeat in my head for days on end! It's been playing like a broken record that I had to consciously sing another song out loud in an attempt to change it, but it didn't really work. (I am not a singer. I'm glad the earth has not opened and swallowed me yet!)

The over-thinker that I am, I decided to turn my thoughts to prayer, and talked to the Blessed Virgin Mary about all these things on my mind. (No matter what non-Catholics say about Her, I am confident that we can never ever go wrong when we ask the Mother of Jesus our Lord for guidance!)

I arrived in church a few minutes early before the evening Mass, and took in every precious moment to gaze upon Our Lady's resplendent beauty. I blinked, and that song played in my head again. This time, the song stopped right at the part that says, "should I stumble again..."

I prayed and reflected on the rest of the song... 

I stumble all the time, yet His grace picks me up and allows me to stand up again. Where my feet fail, God is always there to guide me. (I borrowed that from another song!) I fall short miserably at many things, yet every single time I run back to the Father, He forgives this daughter of His. No questions; He just opens His arms and welcomes me into His loving embrace.

I closed my eyes and thought about the things that make me stumble; when I did, I saw the sorrowful faces of Jesus and His Mother... 

And I got to thinking... I stumble. All the time! But then, what have I been doing to cause others to stumble and sin???

Have I been kinder today? Did I stop what I was doing to help someone who had an urgent need? Have I been gentler with my words? Did I spend longer hours to pray for those who need prayers the most? Am I generous enough? Did I go the extra mile to help a friend? Do I love selflessly? Have I caused someone to stray away from his/her own path? 

I thought of Saint Peter ~ Jesus' devoted disciple, the rock upon which He built His Church, and for a moment, His stumbling block too! (Matthew 16:18 and 16:23)

  

When I am stubborn, when I don't trust and obey, when my opinions matter most than what I know God would say ~ I am not just impacting my own life and my purpose, but I am also definitely impacting the Body of Christ! (Such a daunting reality!) I intend to fulfill God's purpose for my life, but I must also consider that the choices I make affect the collective purpose of God for all of us! 

Am I a stepping stone for others? Or am I a stumbling block?  

Do I let God mold me and place me where He wants me to be? If I don't let God shape me "for the right fit", I will become displaced. And I end up falling to a place I am not intended to be; thus, I create a stumbling hazard for the people around me.   

I prayed and asked for the grace to remain rooted in Christ to be able to encourage others... to build others up in the faith... to help others to do what is right according to God's will... to seek not only my own good, but the good of others most of all. I asked Mother Mary to pray for me. Her fiat was an example to trust and to draw closer to God, and to draw others to Christ her Son. (She is after all our model par excellence, of total trust, pure love, and service!)

I got back to the song, just before the Eucharistic celebration started...

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing You praise...  

My heart and my soul, I give You control, consume me from the inside out Lord…”

Look Up, and Love!

I spent my Saturday once again in "my sanctuary",  at the National Shrine of Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary- La Naval de Manila. I usually sit in one of the pews right in front of the altar where Our Lady is. But today, I sat near the left corridor where I had a good view of all the stained glass windows and paintings that adorn this "church of my youth".

No matter how many times I have been there, I could not help but always look up, and marvel at each sacred art therein.

Today was one of those days... and somehow, it warmed my heart as rays of the midday sun shone through the stained-glass windows toward my face. It felt as if the light of God pierced right through me. I needed that badly. (I had to pray not to be distracted as I was actually there attending the Mass...) 

Lately, I sometimes feel that I am teetering at the brink of a crisis in faith... Ah, no problem about the Catholic doctrine and dogma that I hold to be true... It's just my humanity sometimes getting very much affected and morally scandalized by the bad behaviour of those who I expect to best live out the Gospel. When I find myself right at the verge of despair, I thank God that He always, always comes to the rescue!

I needed some reassurance today, because I just received news that a dear friend has breast cancer. Another close friend is going through her own tempests of suffering in her family life, and I feel helpless that I cannot do much to help her. And then, I have been chronically ill with asthma. 

In my terribly shattered heart, I could not help but question God why He is allowing so much suffering in the world... I wondered, why has that old lady been outside the church and is not being cared for by her family, and has been out there begging for alms? I asked why that young boy was alone sleeping under the afternoon sun on the overpass, and without a home, and probably even without a family?  I thought about young children, victims of violence, and witnesses of how their loved ones have been slaughtered right before their eyes. I felt pain in my heart just imagining the grief of fathers, mothers, and children whose family members have died in the battle against illegal drugs. Ah, the suffering all around me seemed endless... It was too excruciating that it overwhelmed me! Tempted to give up and leave everything  behind, I had to hold on to whatever little hope was left in me. 

So I looked up, stared, and found in my heart that sense of childlike awe.

Every chance I get to marvel at the little things that God has so thoughtfully and lovingly created,  I do make sure to savor each moment. In my life, I have learned to look for God in beauty ~ that beauty that leads me to the transcendent, and inspires me to love  Him  more; He who made all things wonderful.

So while looking up and admiring the sacred art at Santo Domingo, fully aware that the hands that created them were given artistic talents by God, I was reminded of what Saint Catherine of Siena said in her book The Dialogue: "The human heart is drawn by love." 

I am drawn by Him who is Love and Beauty Himself... He who created me in love. Thank God there is still beauty all around me that reminds me that He loves me tenderly; that He loves each of us unconditionally. I am sure that one day, when I behold God in heaven, all the beauty that I have seen and admired on earth shall pale in comparison to His glory. But I am thankful that I am given a glimpse of that eternal beauty right here, right now. I had to allow myself time and again to be drawn by His love. There is nowhere else I can actually run to, but to Him alone.

I looked up again. I looked up, and then focused my eyes toward the tabernacle, and I remembered Beauty that comes to me every day at Mass... I remembered how He comes to me in bread and wine,  and how, because of His love for man, the gifts of the earth become His very Body and Blood. 

And I came to my senses. 

Christ died in my place, in our place, in order that we may live. Difficult as it is to love my own crosses, I know there is no other way that I may be united in Jesus unless I bear by crosses and choose to triumph.  Oh yes, all is grace, but I must first wish it within myself to want so much to overcome, and to persevere. Life is made of many choices after all. I can always choose a different path, but God has been gracious and merciful, and thus I always muster the courage to be firm in the faith. 

God the Father, in The Dialogue, told Saint Catherine, "The soul cannot live without love. She always wants to love something because love is the stuff she is made of, and through love I created her." 

I know, I will still have to weather many storms in life. But thank God for the grace to see His Love manifest all around me. I only have to keep on looking up, and Love will always keep me close.

___________

Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary-La Naval de Manila, our dearest Mother, pray for us.
Holy Father Dominic de Guzman, and Saint Catherine of Siena, pray for me, and for all of us. Amen.

Of Paints and Brushes, and Musings on Christmas

I am in the middle of finishing several painting projects, and have been using watercolor paints again. I have not used them in a while, because I need to allot enough time to let the paint dry before I apply the other layers. 

Time, sadly for me, has become a luxury quite difficult to afford. I do my best to manage my schedule ~ to have time for family and friends, the apostolates closest to my heart, and yes, even for my hobbies. (Writing personal thoughts has lately taken a back seat, but then again, I try to squeeze it in!)

So today, while contemplating a particular painting I am working on ~ my own rendition of "Beloved Dominican Saints" which was originally painted by Bernadette Carstensen, I thought of Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus, who was a painter, too. (She is one of my favorite saints, and remains one of my most powerful intercessors in heaven who have always been a constant companion in in my faith journey.)

I am merely God's paint-brush.

In her autobiography "Story of a Soul", Saint Thérèse likened herself to a brush which Jesus uses in making His masterpieces:

If a piece of canvas painted upon by an artist could think and speak, it certainly would not complain at being constantly touched and retouched by the brush, and would not envy the lot of that instrument, for it would realize it was not to the brush but to the artist using it that it owed the beauty with which it was clothed. The brush would not be able to boast of the masterpiece produced with it, as it knows that artists are not at a loss; they play with difficulties, and are pleased to choose at times weak and defective instruments.

I am a little brush which Jesus has chosen in order to paint His own image in the souls entrusted to my care. An artist does not use only one brush, but needs at least two: the first is the more useful and with it he applies the general tins and covers the canvas entirely in a very short time; the other, the smaller one, he uses for details.

Break my heart, Lord.

I remember being told very early to be careful with not only what I wish for, but especially with what I pray for, because I really just might get what I am asking from the Lord!

As I work on several paintings, I remember a prayer, a song that keeps playing on repeat in my head. It has become sort of like a personal anthem during the times I was discerning what to do next in my life. That was about six years ago, and there is a line from that song that made me tear up every single time I listened to it, or attempted to sing it. It still moves me to tears even now:

Heal my heart and make it clean; Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity...

For years this has been like a life-song albeit only for a certain stage in my life. But it stuck with me, and looking back, it has dawned on me that this particular prayer of mine has been answered. 

My heart is terribly aching for the many things that I am sure would break God's heart ~ and  most of the time I feel too weak and vulnerable to be keeping a shattered heart inside my chest. Then again, it gives me so much consolation that my "direct line" with God in prayer is always open and available!

Painting and praising even in my brokenness.

Ah, the tempests that rage in my life, and the billows that toss me around!! I would not have survived and still remain here if it were not for God's grace. I thank God for days like today that I get to reflect and deal with my heartaches. Admittedly, some parts of my paintings literally include tears! 

God made the world beautiful, but we have marred it with our selfishness and greed. Somehow, when I paint, I am able to look at Beauty that I otherwise would usually not notice, what with the daily preoccupations of my every day existence. With brush in hand, I am able to contemplate how masterfully and thoughtfully God created each of us; that every detail in Creation was, and is done in Love.

It's two days before Christmas, and there's a sense of longing, and emptiness that need to be filled. Out in the streets, I see chaos in the snail's pace traffic. The Christmas lights have become too blindingly bright that people seem to be unable to focus on the real Light. The Christmas carols that I so love to sing as a child are reduced to noise, compared to that one sweet sound I so long to hear ~ His voice. 

Christmas is a joyful season; I cannot help but also think about why He was born in the first place. The sadness echoes because I know He came that He may die for me. His birth brings hope and promise, and the certainty that there is salvation for us all.

If the myriad pieces of my broken heart were not enclosed, they would probably have already scattered all over. There is joy in celebrating the season, but this early, I cannot help but ponder about Bethlehem and Calvary at the same time. I am exhausted and broken, and yet, in my brokenness, He comes to me as a child, and He makes my heart whole again.

I am glad I can resort to my paints and paint brushes. All is God's grace that I am able to turn the mind to the good. The pigments and the canvasses are a big help in keeping my focus on Him who is the reason for the season.  Oh the hope that is experienced through the heart by the power of His unconditional love and grace! 

What a truly amazing gift we all receive at Christmas ~ Jesus Himself! 

Life In A Dash

I have not organized my thoughts yet ~ lost a loved one to cancer last week. 

Before the final blessing during the Requiem Mass, the celebrant read a poem that I am posting here. I will write about my personal reflections one of these days. The words will come, when it's the perfect time.

Divine Word Gardens

​The Dash

by Linda Ellis 

​I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone

from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth

and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

O Lord, When?

A dear friend and brother in the Faith has recently asked me when I intend to get back on my blog. I have not written about anything in a while, except for some required "home work" for my Dominican formation. I have a draft of some reflections about my writing hiatus which I will post here soon. But for now, I'd like to post a timely message which I came across almost serendipitously! 

I have chosen the above blog post title because I think  I have been "bugging" the Lord too much for a certain prayer request I still have not received a clear answer to. Patience does not come by too easily, and I beg Him for the grace to be able to bear it all for love of Him!

Wisdom from the Saints:

I was reading through some  quotations by some saints, which I have compiled for future use. I am tasked at work to post something about the holy men and women of God, if possible, on a daily basis, except perhaps on ferial days. Before I post, I verify these quotations by going through several related articles, which of course, I get from Google.

While checking on a quotation from Saint Vincent de Paul, I read a letter he penned on April 25, 1659 for Father Guillaume Desdame, a missionary. 

Saint Vincent de Paul, was a French Roman Catholic priest, the great apostle of Charity, who founded several religious congregations that belong to the Vincentian Family. This is an excerpt of that letter:

Even When It Hurts

I have been meaning to write about one particular unforgettable experience during my visit to Poland, but have not really sat down to do it. Although I did write a draft of this blog entry while still in Chudow, I never got to finish it there. So after more than four months of having restless sleep because all the words flow in my head while I am lying in bed, I am finally trying to work on this now. And it's the wee hours of the morning on a Friday. I am hoping my caffeine fix will take care of the impending headache later due to lack of sleep.

At the Jasna Góra Monastery in Częstochowa, Poland
with my foster family

Will Work For Travel
If wanderlust were like pixie dusts that accidentally spilled over my head, I am certain I almost got buried underneath lots of it. 

I love going places. The travel bug bit me deep enough to make my desire for globetrotting ridiculously insatiable. If only I could just pack my bags any time and go somewhere instantly! In every place of course, I have had memorable adventures and misadventures. Poland is stunningly unforgettable no doubt. I was expecting to be gobsmacked, and the country did not disappoint. But a misadventure happened to me there. And I put the blame solely on me.

Believe

This is a long-overdue journal about my trip to Poland last July 2016. There's so much to write about to unload my heart, and to bring to recollection all the lessons of that pilgrimage. 

I begin with Auschwitz.

"Arbeit macht frei"means "work sets you free".
This appears on the entrance of Auschwitz,
and other labour camps. (c. July 2016)

I was able to visit the WWII German Nazi Concentration camps, Auschwitz I, and Auschwitz II-Birkenau, located near the industrial town of Oswiecim in Poland, during the Days in the Diocese prior to the World Youth Days in Krakow. It was a most poignant experience, walking on its grounds, touching the barbed-wire fences, taking a peek inside the gas chambers, and seeing first-hand where millions of innocent lives perished. There was a moment I recall when I passed by the Auschwitz gallows ~ I tried to envision myself present in that period of World War II, and wondered how I would have met death had I been one of the prisoners. I could not fathom the cruelty and brutality of the Nazis. The horrifying atrocities of the Holocaust was too much to bear, let alone imagine.  

In Defense of Judas

I remember as a young girl, I learned a declamation piece called "Despair of Judas", in which Judas did not have hope in the end, that's why he opted to take his own life. But as I grew older, I have come to personally believe that even Judas was redeemed by the Precious Blood of Jesus Christ. I personally believe that I cannot pass judgement on Judas. Only God knows whether his soul is for heaven or hell.

And then, I came across this piece by Kalookan Bishop, His Excellency Most Rev. Pablo Virgilio "Ambo" S. David, D.D. 

What a powerful message of forgiveness and mercy in this Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy!

In Defense of Judas
By Bishop Ambo David

Icon Writing: A Spiritual Journey

On the very first day of the workshop/6-day recollection, our teacher quoted Vladislav Andrejev; and I will remember the words always whenever I work on a sacred art, and have brush and paint in hand: "As you write the icon, the icon writes you."

The icon of the Holy Trinity in tempera
by Andrei Rublev (ca.1411 or 1425-27)

I have an inclination towards the Arts, but never had any formal education related to it. I attended a 10-day painting class about eight or nine years ago, and that's about it. There is something in painting that relaxes me, clears my mind, and allows me to contemplate the Beauty that God has made in Creation. That's why even on my own, I risk painting, and one day hope to finish an "obra maestra." I am very much aware that I do not have the professional know-how about the discipline of painting, so I risk expressing myself using brushes and tubes of paint. 

Lately however, it had been extremely challenging to finish a painting, especially those of the Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus. I have started several, but they're all unfinished. I would try my best to find time, but something more urgent would come that would require my immediate attention. At one point I decided, maybe I really just need to put them all on hold for a while. I felt I needed a little bit more inspiration.

Swim Against the Tide

My daily commute to work is, at most times, uneventful. Often I'd take the one-tricycle, one-jeepney ride to go to New York, Cubao (my stop), and then walk about a minute or so to get to the Obispado. (It's been a joke among friends that I'm a New Yorker, only that I work near New York Street in Quezon City. The streets around the office are names after some North American cities, like Chicago, Vancouver, Seattle, Maryland, Denver, among others.)

This morning I took an FX from Rotonda. (An FX is a term used for non-metered taxis, named after the 1986 Toyota Tamaraw FX model of multi-purpose vehicles.) I sat at the back, where it was comfortable. Beside me was a woman probably in her 50s. Across from me were two young male students. In the middle seat were three more young men, and a woman. In front, beside the driver, were two women who wore uniforms I recognized as from a bank. The male passengers, based on their conversation that the rest of us could not help but overhear, are students of a university that we'll pass along the route to Cubao.

Be God's Lady

Today marks the end of the Flores de Mayo, the May festivities dedicated to the Queen of Heaven and Earth, the Blessed Virgin Mary. 

Last night our parish had its Santacruzan, a procession that depicts the finding of the Holy Cross in Jerusalem by Queen Helena of Constantinople (Reyna Elena) and Constantine the Great. I looked out for favorite "participants of the Sagala, like the Reyna del Cielo (Queen of Heaven), or Rosa Mistica (Mystical Rose), but did not find them. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed it, especially watching the little girls dressed as angels holding the letters of the angelic salutation, AVE MARIA! I have to admit, though, that I miss the more traditional ones that I used to watch at my parents' small provincial town in Quezon. There seems to be too much pageantry going on now, and less of the religio-historical aspect that I grew to love. But I won't write about that here.

Before Mass earlier, I found myself looking at a stained-glass window of the Annunciation. For an instant, I felt like being brought back to that moment when our Sweetest Lady said her Fiat to Archangel Gabriel. As I stared in awe, almost seeing the delicate incomparable beauty of our Lady in the flesh, I could only utter a silent prayer for the grace to also grow in the virtues that Mother Mary has attained so perfectly!

The Road Less Traveled By

"Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to, do you know? Do you get what you're hoping for, when you look behind you there's no open door? What are you hoping for? Do you know?

This song was the last I heard before I got off my stop on my commute going home today. It has ear-wormed its way into my head. Usually I would get annoyed when a song, especially one that I do not particularly like, gets stuck in my mind for a while. But this one reminded me of a pivotal moment in my life which made me choose a different road, instead of the original I had planned to take. (I wrote about that life-changing experience here.)

I believe that in God's great design of the entire Creation, He has made each person for a specific purpose ~ a mission that only that individual, and no one else, can accomplish.  

As a little girl, I remember learning in catechism classes that my choices must be aligned with God's will. I also learned to pray, "Dear Lord, may Your will be done in my life!" I did not understand the seriousness and depth of those words then, but I prayed them anyway. Another vivid memory I have was wondering if the heavens would open, and God's thundering voice shall be audibly heard speaking to me so that I will know just what to do. 

But it does not happen that way. How then do we know where God wants us to go? How do we know what the will of God is in our lives?


Spend Time to have a Prayerful Discernment

The Catechism for Filipino Catholics says, "To discern God's action in our daily lives demands a spiritual sensitivity that comes only from authentic Christian prayer and worship. This means that our personal prayer is grounded in God's revelation in Scripture and the Church's living Tradition. Only then are we sure to worship 'in Spirit and in Truth.'" 

In one retreat I attended a few years ago, I learned that discernment involves making a decision that gives utmost priority to the will of God in our lives. It is not simply choosing between two or more options. It is going for the best out of other good choices. 

Saint Ignatius of Loyola, in his Spiritual Exercises said, "Our only desire and our one choice should be this: I want and I choose what better leads to God's deepening His life in me."

We are all hard-wired to have the ardor to seek for God, after all we are created after His own image. But our longing for God must move us to make the conscious decision to open our hearts to Him, and listen to His voice. He will not impose; He respects our free will, a gift which He has given to mankind. 

"The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for." (CCC § 27)

If we allow to have enough time for prayer daily, I believe that our omnipresent God, in His infinite goodness and love, will speak directly to each of us. Perhaps not in the same way that He spoke to the prophets of old, but the Lord who knows our thoughts and our hearts, definitely also knows best how to speak with us in the events of our daily lives, if we allow ourselves to be receptive to Him.

Another thing I did which helped me in my discernment is finding the time to attend recollections, and retreats. The solitude helped me in having heart-to-heart talks with God. Even now, I still attend talks and symposiums that deepen my understanding of the Faith. I have also been very choosy with the books I read now. I used to just leaf-through any book I get a hold on, no matter what it is about, all because of sheer curiosity. It was difficult at first, but these days I hunger for books that help enrich my Faith. A book that has become a favorite of mine is The Story of a Soul by Saint Therese of Lisieux. The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis, and The Dialogue of Saint Catherine of Siena, are helpful books, too.

Be Not Afraid to Tell God Your Fears

Everything starts with small beginnings. But we have to take that first step, and do it with courage. I started mine by voicing to God what I was so afraid of. I told Him I knew what I wanted in my life but was unsure if it was for my best. I told Him all my dreams, and even consulted Him that these dreams were not what the people around me wanted for me; and that I sometimes felt caught in a dilemma between obeying them and doing what I want for my own life. I told Him I am too sinful, felt inadequate, and so unworthy. Initially I was hesitant to tell Him everything, including all my fears, my disappointments, what I most desire, and exactly what I was expecting from Him. Yes, I have been this open to telling God what I truly feel. With prayer, I eventually felt at ease telling Him what's in my heart. He knows everything anyway.

In a prayerful relationship with God, we are able to allow Him to speak to us through His Word, the Holy Bible. Reading about the lives of the saints, and other holy men and women, have helped me, too. He also uses the ordinary events of our lives to inspire us, and even sends people whose lives may stir in us a desire to serve Him concretely, or in a particular way, in His Church. More often than not, God uses the wisdom of other people to speak to us.

One such saint who has inspired me is Saint John Paul II. Having seen him up close at the World Youth Day in Manila, hearing him speak, and reading some of his works, has influenced me greatly. He often told the youth, "Be not afraid!"

"Ask yourselves, young people, about the love of Christ. Acknowledge His voice resounding in the temple of your heart. Return His bright and penetrating glance which opens the paths of your life to the horizons of the Church's mission. It is a taxing mission, today more than ever to teach men the truth about themselves, about their end, their destiny, and to show faithful souls the unspeakable riches of the love of Christ. Do not be afraid of the radicalness of His demands, because Jesus, who loved us first, is prepared to give Himself to you, as well as asking of you. If He asks much of you, it is because He knows you can give much." ~Saint John Paul II, The Meaning of Vocation.

In my Faith journey, one of the things that deeply took root in my soul, and which has been a source of great help and consolation, is my love and devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. When I am afraid, I run to Her. When I am confused, I beg Her to consult Her Son Jesus on my behalf. When I am in desperate need of something, I plead with Her to God to answer my prayers.

We have Mother Mary as our role model of humble surrender and total obedience to the will of God.  (Luke 1:26-38). Through her good counsel and powerful intercession, I believe that the answers to our prayers are expedited.  (John 2:1-12) That is of course, if it is in line with the will of God. But I am confident in Her guidance and love for me, and for all of us her children. "She is more Mother than Queen", said Saint Therese. And she truly is! 


Taking the Leap of Faith

What happens after we hear God speaking to us, and we are made to realize what He wants done through us? 

We ought to obey. We take a leap of faith.

I reached a crossroads in my life when I knew what I wanted in my life, and at the same time what God wanted for me. They were not exactly the same. 

I worked for an airline company for almost a decade. Then my job after that was with an IT company which provided travel software and technology solutions for the global travel industry. It paid well, and it had awesome perks. All those years, God had been gracious in helping me balance my rather hectic schedule. I served in parish ministries. I did a lot of volunteer work both in Church, and with socio-civic organizations. I traveled once or twice a year, sometimes even more, both here and abroad. It was not exactly a glamorous life, but I enjoyed God's countless blessings.

And then He called me. He spoke to me, from His heart to mine, and told me what He wanted me to be. I struggled. I doubted. I questioned Him several times. I laid all my uncertainties before Him. He was magnanimous and patient with me, as always. He gave me time. Finally, when I said yes, I knew even within myself that I was ready. He has made me firm in the Faith. 

The Lord, through Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint Catherine of Siena, Saint Rose of Lima, among several other saints, has called me to be a Lay Dominican. So I decided to leave the corporate world, and chose to be a full time pastoral worker in Church.  It does not give me the same perquisites like my previous jobs, but it definitely gives me blessings beyond my expectations.


Reaffirmations and Reassurances

During the apostolic visit of Pope Francis in the Philippines last January 15-19, 2015, I have been so blessed to serve as a volunteer for the official Papal Visit PH media team. I was even chosen to be among those who flew to Tacloban during the pope's Mass there. And being with the youth ministry of the diocese, I was also among those present to listen to Lolo Kiko's message at the University of Santo Tomas.

The pope's message struck to the core, and I would not be shy in admitting that I was in tears upon hearing his words.

"Real love leads you to spend yourselves in love, to leave your pockets open and empty. Saint Francis died with his pockets empty, but with a very full heart. This isn't easy to understand: To learn how to beg. To learn how to receive with humility. To learn to be evangelized by the poor, those that we help, those infirm, orphans; they have so much to offer us... Do you know that you, too, are poor? Do you know your poverty and the need that you receive? Do you let yourselves be evangelized by those you serve? Let them give to you? And this is what helps you mature in your commitment to give to others, to learn how to offer out your hand, from your very own poverty..."

For Each Tree is Known By Its Own Fruit (Luke 6:44)

Discernment is a life-long process. Having already said yes to God does not mean I should stop regularly asking Him what to do, and where to go next. I don't want to sound too self-righteous, but it is important to also be aware if my decision to follow Him has borne good fruits. (Fruits, which I learned, do not necessarily mean something I would pick out for myself; but things that others would benefit most from.) 

I am God's "work in progress." I actually believe He needs to do major overhauls with me. But He teaches me loving-patience. (I still am sometimes too hard on myself!). The Lord has been infinitely patient and merciful to me. I ought to learn from my Greatest Master and Friend. 

My life with Christ has truly been a wonderful adventure, far greater than what I expected and wanted it to be. The world may find me foolish for leaving the world that promises me success, power and money, and for taking instead the radical path of service and love like what my Radical Master Jesus did; but I have no regrets. I am happy that I am perfectly where God wants me to be. 

          "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- 
               I took the one less traveled by,
              And that has made all the difference."

                                                    

God's Mercies in Disguise

One of the Bible verses I learned as a child is that from Isaiah 55:8 which says, "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord." Many times in my life I have asked, "How much longer must I wait, Lord?" Whenever I begin to question Him, this passage reminds me that God knows best and I need to wait for His perfect time. 

Photo credit: Maan Palma

Growing up, it was instilled upon me that in prayer, having faith means knowing that God  is capable of giving me all of my heart's desires. But wait, there is the important element of trust! To surrender to the will of God means that even though I am telling Him what I want, I cannot prescribe how God must answer me; I have to let Him work wonders in my life and not demand that He must give-in to whatever I am asking from Him. As a daughter of the Almighty Father, I ought to have confidence in His goodness, wisdom and faithfulness. To trust God means I will let Him shape the answers to my prayers according to His love and mercy. 

When our prayers do not get answered, the devil takes the opportunity to deceive us into believing that God has forgotten us and has left us to fend for ourselves. But as Christians, we know that to trust the Lord means we shall allow Him to give us what He knows is best for each of us, His children.  God alone sees beyond what our eyes can see, He knows infinitely more than what our finite minds can grasp, and we have to humbly submit to Him and be rest assured that He shall only give what will most benefit our souls and our situations in life, according to His plans. But then again, whenever the crosses upon our shoulders seem to become too heavy to bear, we are all tempted to question God if He truly listens and loves us...

Just for the last week,  I have been to four Advent recollections. Bringing to mind all the marvelous blessings God has bestowed upon me, I also remember all my prayers that God has not answered. In retrospect, all those unanswered supplications have been part of God's wonderful plan for my life.

I remember how, as a little girl, I wanted my entire family to move to the United States to be with my father who was working there at that time. It did not happen. Prior to college, I was offered a chance to study in the US, but that, too, did not materialize. I may only have inklings as to the real reasons why God did not allow me to go there back then, but I now see the many reasons why He preferred to delay the grace of migrating to a foreign land. Looking back at the way my life as a student had been, I realized that all my experiences in school have helped shape who I am today. One of the best blessings of spending the crucial formative years of my life here in the Philippines is growing in the Faith, thanks to my teachers and mentors in the Catholic schools I have attended.

I recall that time I had my heart badly broken and begged God to intervene that I may receive the love that I thought I deserved.  I felt so shattered and unworthy of love. The Lord did not meddle in the affairs of my heart, and back then it seemed to me that He was not being a supportive Father. Fast forward to the present day, whenever I remember those crazy days, it has become an opportunity to laugh with God. I am so glad now that He did not answer my prayers then, because now I understand that He was just sparing me from more misery and tears.

I think of the many times I cried myself to sleep at night, wondering if God could hear my pleas. Reminiscing about those moments, I now know that in His denials, He makes sure to make His love palpable and evident so as to prevent me from falling into despair. All those tears have taught me to rely on His unconditional love for me. In every single "No" that He has given, He has taught me to depend on His generosity and providence. His unfailing Word promises me that He keeps track of all my sorrows; He collects all my tears and records each one in His book. (Psalm 56:8). He promises to one day wipe every tear from my eyes and there shall be no more mourning nor pain. (Revelation 21:4)

In my life, I have asked God countless things, and whenever He chooses to give me less, it is when I am assured that He loves me too much. For the things I still beg of Him, He instructs me to be patient, for only He shall choose to answer me in His own way and in His own time. He teaches my heart to rejoice and to feast on hope while I wait for the fulfillment of His promises to me. In suffering and in waiting, God transforms me to become a woman after His own heart, and He draws me into an even deeper relationship with Him.

In the past, whenever I feel burdened and at the brink of despair, I would question God "Why?". These days, when problems arise, I am now able to ask, "Lord, how can I find You in the midst of all these problems and pain?" 

Often, God's gifts to us do not come in the kind of packaging that we expect. We find a rock, and discover that within is a precious diamond. The rain has to pour first, before God paints the sky with a rainbow.

Laura Story-Evington says it best in her song, Blessings: God's gifts come through rain drops, His healing comes through tears; a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know He is near. My greatest disappointments and the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can never ever satisfy. The trials, the tempests, the hardest nights, are God's mercies in disguise.

The Challenge To Be Merciful and Compassionate

When you have all the reasons to get miffed, how does one practice mercy and compassion? 

I have had a hectic schedule for the last two months, and it is even busier in the coming weeks. This morning I thought of all the things that make me tick and offered them to God...

Sleep deprivation. Messed-up meal times. Technical difficulties at work. Stifling heat. My allergies. Some characters who think they own the world and act like they have the right to make slaves of everyone. Traffic everywhere. 

These and other little things that can make a person easily irked or go ballistic are just some of the things that can spike my cortisol levels into unbelievable heights. Add to these stimuli are some people who will just get into my nerves no matter how hard I try to be nice. Often, I do not have the gentleness of an angel; nor the patience of a saint. I am sometimes short-fused like Saul of Tarsus when provoked. But through the years, I have, if I may say so, become tamed. (On that note, even my snootiness has tempered.)

I am God's work in progress. I am glad my conversion did not include falling to the ground like what happened to Saint Paul on the road to Damascus! Neither was there a burning bush nor peals of thunder and arrows like lightning! From day one, I was introduced to a loving, gentle God who will never turn His back on me. His loving kindness drew me back to run to Him, like a prodigal daughter returning into the loving arms of the Almighty Father.

To be  a woman after God's own heart really requires both His Grace and my cooperation! I am just so glad we have a merciful, very patient God who never gives up on me!

This morning I was begging God to fix my schedule for me so that I can fulfill all the dreams He has planted in my heart. I was also dreaming of a much-needed "hibernation." But he reminded me to do (and keep on doing) certain things so that I shall always have "grace under pressure."

Start the day with a prayer. This I have proven to be foolproof! When I begin my day even with a few moments to talk to the Lord, the day passes in a breeze. "In the face of so many wounds that hurt us and could lead to a hardness of heart, we are called to dive into the sea of prayer, which is the sea of the boundless love of God, in order to experience His tenderness."(Pope Francis) Prayer does not have to be very long. What is important is that it is sincere. I usually start my "conversation" with the Lord the moment I open my eyes. I thank Him for waking up to another day. I offer Him the plans and activities that need to be done, and pray that in everything I may be able to give Him glory and praise. I always bear in mind that it is not my work; that it is not my mission, but it is God's. He is only using me to be His hands and feet ~ His heart. If it is possible to go to daily Mass, then I  go. I do my very best to do so. "The Mass is the most perfect form of prayer." (Blessed Pope Paul VI)

Forgive seventy times seven. We all stumble and make mistakes. Sometimes we do hurtful things to others, intentionally or unintentionally. When someone wrongs us, do we choose to retaliate, or do we use our energy instead to resolve misunderstandings or issues? Jesus challenges us to make allowances for each other's faults and forgive those who offend us, just as He never tires on forgiving us. During the Mass of the Lord's Supper in 2013, Pope Francis said "... Sometimes I am angry with someone or other... but... let it go, let it go, and if he or she asks you a favor, do it. Help one another: this is what Jesus teaches us and this (is) what I am doing, and doing with all my heart." Jesus' example ought to motivate us to be merciful, because God in His inexhaustible mercy has also forgiven us. In the Lord's prayer, we say "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."(Matthew 6:12). Either we take the path towards revenge, or opt for reconciliation. The choice is really ours.

A smile begets a smile . Pope Francis said, "I cannot imagine a Christian who does not know how to smile. May we joyfully witness to our faith." Happiness is contagious; smiling is an outward expression of joy... In my daily commute, I'd often come across people who test my patience. In the past, little annoyances would ruin my day. I have learned now to try to look at the bright side of every situation. I have read somewhere that we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. It is the same with the way we choose to deal with every circumstance in our life. The way we respond to others, even the way we choose to see things, make all the difference. Happiness is a conscious choice. Sometimes, all it takes is a smile to cheer-up someone who is in sorrow, or let another person feel at ease. A smile can brighten the darkest day!

Count your blessings. I remember one of my favorite childhood fairy tales, Peter Pan, where he said, "Think of happy thoughts and you will fly!" As Christians, we ought to think of all the blessings God bestows upon each of us and count them! "Young people who choose Christ are strong: They are fed by His Word and they do not 'stuff themselves' with money, possessions and fleeting pleasure", Pope Francis told the youth last 29th (diocesan) WYD earlier this year. Yes whatever wealth or possession we have right now are blessings, too. But those that really matter are not the things that money can buy! Wealth of priceless value includes our family, our friends, our Faith, and many more! Whenever I begin to think of my real treasures, I cannot help but smile and forget my inconveniences. 

Go the extra mile. As worn out as it may sound, I believe this adage is still good advice. Going the extra mile is not just doing more of what is expected of us, but it is also putting our hearts in whatever we are doing, and doing even the simplest things in love. Oh yes, Love. Love is always the best answer. "Love is the measure of faith", Pope Francis tweeted @Pontifex. Our Holy Father also said that "Faith when centered in service opens oneself to a true encounter with God." We are all called to follow the example of Jesus who laid down His life for us. There is so much loneliness and despair in the world because we who are in Christ fail to live out our baptismal duty of sharing God's love and mercy with others. Pope Francis reminds us that "Everyday we are all called to become a 'caress of God' for those who perhaps have forgotten their first caresses or perhaps who never have felt a caress in their life."

Swim against the tide. We live in an age where Faith and morals are sadly downplayed. The world entices us to settle for vain and empty illusions of happiness. Pope Francis told the youth to "Pay attention, my young friends: to go against the current; this is good for the heart, but we need courage to swim against the tide... We Christians were not chosen by the Lord for little things; push on-wards toward the highest principles. Stake your lives on noble ideals, my dear young people!" (Pope Francis, April 28, 2013 Homily) In another instance, His Holiness said, "Say NO to an ephemeral, superficial and throwaway culture, a culture that assumes that you are incapable on taking responsibility and facing the great challenges of life... Have the courage to swim against the tide. Have courage to be truly happy... Think big instead! Open your hearts!" I find assurance in the hope and joy I have in Christ. What a stress-reliever to know that when I obey God, I bring joy to His heart.

Focus on Jesus. In a world now too caught up with the advances in technology, in easy access to comfort and instant gratification, we sometimes lose sight of the things that are really important. We forget that God is the Source of all the blessings we have. The Vicar of Christ teaches us that "Following and accompanying Christ, staying with Him, demands 'coming out of ourselves'... out of a dreary way of living Faith that has become a habit, out of the temptation to withdraw into our own plans which end by shutting out God's creative action." (Papal Audience, March 27, 2014). Pope Francis reminds us that "The life of Jesus is a life for others. It is a life of service."  Following Jesus, and keeping our eyes fixed on Him also means trusting Him fully. "Trust in God banishes all fear and sets us free from every form of slavery and all worldly temptations", Pope Francis said. When we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of Faith, we receive the grace to strip off every weight that slows us down and we are able to run with endurance the race God has set before us. (Hebrews 12:1-2). We are able to fight the good fight with courage and determination, and are not easily discouraged. We are able to persevere and are not afraid to share the Gospel even when the world considers us foolish because we are assured that in Jesus we find our strength and our salvation. 

Remember always that we are made for happiness. Choosing to leave the corporate world and embracing a life of pastoral work in the vineyard of God has been the most radical, craziest decision I have made in my life, and I have no regrets. It is not financially fulfilling, but it has filled my life with so much joy. A few weeks ago, coming home late again from work, my mother exclaimed, "It is not easy being a fisher of men!" I did not have the right words to say at that moment, but my heart was overwhelmed with so much happiness. I no longer enjoy the "glamour and prestige" of being a career woman in Makati, but I know that I am perfectly where God wants me to be. "Faith in God has everything to do with the happiness we are made for. Jesus did not come to take away our fun. In His words, 'I have told you these things so that My joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete!'" (xt3.org Advent Calendar 12/1/14)

Pope Francis said that "To change the world, we must be good to those who cannot repay us." He challenges each one of us to be Jesus for others. "To love God and neighbor is not something abstract, but profoundly concrete: it means seeing in every person the face of the Lord to be served, to serve him concretely... Love is expressed more clearly in actions than in words. There is greater love in giving than in receiving. These two criteria are like the pillars of true love: deeds, and the gift of self." (Homily, 6/7/13 Feast of the Sacred Heart)

Right now, one song plays over and over in my head ~ the prayer of generosity of Saint Ignatius of Loyola: Lord, teach me to be generous... to give and not to count the cost... to labor and not to ask for reward, save that of knowing that I do Your will. I remind myself now that patience is a virtue. That in my journey, I must travel with Jesus along the path of Love. I pray to be able to do everything in love. I pray to be constantly renewed by God's mercy so that with His grace, I may always be merciful and compassionate like Jesus.