Am I a Stepping Stone or a Stumbling Block?

"A thousand times I've failed still Your mercy remains. Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in Your grace..."

Photo Credit: Carla Arizala-Protesta

This song has been playing on repeat in my head for days on end! It's been playing like a broken record that I had to consciously sing another song out loud in an attempt to change it, but it didn't really work. (I am not a singer. I'm glad the earth has not opened and swallowed me yet!)

The over-thinker that I am, I decided to turn my thoughts to prayer, and talked to the Blessed Virgin Mary about all these things on my mind. (No matter what non-Catholics say about Her, I am confident that we can never ever go wrong when we ask the Mother of Jesus our Lord for guidance!)

I arrived in church a few minutes early before the evening Mass, and took in every precious moment to gaze upon Our Lady's resplendent beauty. I blinked, and that song played in my head again. This time, the song stopped right at the part that says, "should I stumble again..."

I prayed and reflected on the rest of the song... 

I stumble all the time, yet His grace picks me up and allows me to stand up again. Where my feet fail, God is always there to guide me. (I borrowed that from another song!) I fall short miserably at many things, yet every single time I run back to the Father, He forgives this daughter of His. No questions; He just opens His arms and welcomes me into His loving embrace.

I closed my eyes and thought about the things that make me stumble; when I did, I saw the sorrowful faces of Jesus and His Mother... 

And I got to thinking... I stumble. All the time! But then, what have I been doing to cause others to stumble and sin???

Have I been kinder today? Did I stop what I was doing to help someone who had an urgent need? Have I been gentler with my words? Did I spend longer hours to pray for those who need prayers the most? Am I generous enough? Did I go the extra mile to help a friend? Do I love selflessly? Have I caused someone to stray away from his/her own path? 

I thought of Saint Peter ~ Jesus' devoted disciple, the rock upon which He built His Church, and for a moment, His stumbling block too! (Matthew 16:18 and 16:23)

  

When I am stubborn, when I don't trust and obey, when my opinions matter most than what I know God would say ~ I am not just impacting my own life and my purpose, but I am also definitely impacting the Body of Christ! (Such a daunting reality!) I intend to fulfill God's purpose for my life, but I must also consider that the choices I make affect the collective purpose of God for all of us! 

Am I a stepping stone for others? Or am I a stumbling block?  

Do I let God mold me and place me where He wants me to be? If I don't let God shape me "for the right fit", I will become displaced. And I end up falling to a place I am not intended to be; thus, I create a stumbling hazard for the people around me.   

I prayed and asked for the grace to remain rooted in Christ to be able to encourage others... to build others up in the faith... to help others to do what is right according to God's will... to seek not only my own good, but the good of others most of all. I asked Mother Mary to pray for me. Her fiat was an example to trust and to draw closer to God, and to draw others to Christ her Son. (She is after all our model par excellence, of total trust, pure love, and service!)

I got back to the song, just before the Eucharistic celebration started...

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself in bringing You praise...  

My heart and my soul, I give You control, consume me from the inside out Lord…”

Look Up, and Love!

I spent my Saturday once again in "my sanctuary",  at the National Shrine of Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary- La Naval de Manila. I usually sit in one of the pews right in front of the altar where Our Lady is. But today, I sat near the left corridor where I had a good view of all the stained glass windows and paintings that adorn this "church of my youth".

No matter how many times I have been there, I could not help but always look up, and marvel at each sacred art therein.

Today was one of those days... and somehow, it warmed my heart as rays of the midday sun shone through the stained-glass windows toward my face. It felt as if the light of God pierced right through me. I needed that badly. (I had to pray not to be distracted as I was actually there attending the Mass...) 

Lately, I sometimes feel that I am teetering at the brink of a crisis in faith... Ah, no problem about the Catholic doctrine and dogma that I hold to be true... It's just my humanity sometimes getting very much affected and morally scandalized by the bad behaviour of those who I expect to best live out the Gospel. When I find myself right at the verge of despair, I thank God that He always, always comes to the rescue!

I needed some reassurance today, because I just received news that a dear friend has breast cancer. Another close friend is going through her own tempests of suffering in her family life, and I feel helpless that I cannot do much to help her. And then, I have been chronically ill with asthma. 

In my terribly shattered heart, I could not help but question God why He is allowing so much suffering in the world... I wondered, why has that old lady been outside the church and is not being cared for by her family, and has been out there begging for alms? I asked why that young boy was alone sleeping under the afternoon sun on the overpass, and without a home, and probably even without a family?  I thought about young children, victims of violence, and witnesses of how their loved ones have been slaughtered right before their eyes. I felt pain in my heart just imagining the grief of fathers, mothers, and children whose family members have died in the battle against illegal drugs. Ah, the suffering all around me seemed endless... It was too excruciating that it overwhelmed me! Tempted to give up and leave everything  behind, I had to hold on to whatever little hope was left in me. 

So I looked up, stared, and found in my heart that sense of childlike awe.

Every chance I get to marvel at the little things that God has so thoughtfully and lovingly created,  I do make sure to savor each moment. In my life, I have learned to look for God in beauty ~ that beauty that leads me to the transcendent, and inspires me to love  Him  more; He who made all things wonderful.

So while looking up and admiring the sacred art at Santo Domingo, fully aware that the hands that created them were given artistic talents by God, I was reminded of what Saint Catherine of Siena said in her book The Dialogue: "The human heart is drawn by love." 

I am drawn by Him who is Love and Beauty Himself... He who created me in love. Thank God there is still beauty all around me that reminds me that He loves me tenderly; that He loves each of us unconditionally. I am sure that one day, when I behold God in heaven, all the beauty that I have seen and admired on earth shall pale in comparison to His glory. But I am thankful that I am given a glimpse of that eternal beauty right here, right now. I had to allow myself time and again to be drawn by His love. There is nowhere else I can actually run to, but to Him alone.

I looked up again. I looked up, and then focused my eyes toward the tabernacle, and I remembered Beauty that comes to me every day at Mass... I remembered how He comes to me in bread and wine,  and how, because of His love for man, the gifts of the earth become His very Body and Blood. 

And I came to my senses. 

Christ died in my place, in our place, in order that we may live. Difficult as it is to love my own crosses, I know there is no other way that I may be united in Jesus unless I bear by crosses and choose to triumph.  Oh yes, all is grace, but I must first wish it within myself to want so much to overcome, and to persevere. Life is made of many choices after all. I can always choose a different path, but God has been gracious and merciful, and thus I always muster the courage to be firm in the faith. 

God the Father, in The Dialogue, told Saint Catherine, "The soul cannot live without love. She always wants to love something because love is the stuff she is made of, and through love I created her." 

I know, I will still have to weather many storms in life. But thank God for the grace to see His Love manifest all around me. I only have to keep on looking up, and Love will always keep me close.

___________

Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary-La Naval de Manila, our dearest Mother, pray for us.
Holy Father Dominic de Guzman, and Saint Catherine of Siena, pray for me, and for all of us. Amen.

Of Paints and Brushes, and Musings on Christmas

I am in the middle of finishing several painting projects, and have been using watercolor paints again. I have not used them in a while, because I need to allot enough time to let the paint dry before I apply the other layers. 

Time, sadly for me, has become a luxury quite difficult to afford. I do my best to manage my schedule ~ to have time for family and friends, the apostolates closest to my heart, and yes, even for my hobbies. (Writing personal thoughts has lately taken a back seat, but then again, I try to squeeze it in!)

So today, while contemplating a particular painting I am working on ~ my own rendition of "Beloved Dominican Saints" which was originally painted by Bernadette Carstensen, I thought of Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus, who was a painter, too. (She is one of my favorite saints, and remains one of my most powerful intercessors in heaven who have always been a constant companion in in my faith journey.)

I am merely God's paint-brush.

In her autobiography "Story of a Soul", Saint Thérèse likened herself to a brush which Jesus uses in making His masterpieces:

If a piece of canvas painted upon by an artist could think and speak, it certainly would not complain at being constantly touched and retouched by the brush, and would not envy the lot of that instrument, for it would realize it was not to the brush but to the artist using it that it owed the beauty with which it was clothed. The brush would not be able to boast of the masterpiece produced with it, as it knows that artists are not at a loss; they play with difficulties, and are pleased to choose at times weak and defective instruments.

I am a little brush which Jesus has chosen in order to paint His own image in the souls entrusted to my care. An artist does not use only one brush, but needs at least two: the first is the more useful and with it he applies the general tins and covers the canvas entirely in a very short time; the other, the smaller one, he uses for details.

Break my heart, Lord.

I remember being told very early to be careful with not only what I wish for, but especially with what I pray for, because I really just might get what I am asking from the Lord!

As I work on several paintings, I remember a prayer, a song that keeps playing on repeat in my head. It has become sort of like a personal anthem during the times I was discerning what to do next in my life. That was about six years ago, and there is a line from that song that made me tear up every single time I listened to it, or attempted to sing it. It still moves me to tears even now:

Heal my heart and make it clean; Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause, as I walk from earth into eternity...

For years this has been like a life-song albeit only for a certain stage in my life. But it stuck with me, and looking back, it has dawned on me that this particular prayer of mine has been answered. 

My heart is terribly aching for the many things that I am sure would break God's heart ~ and  most of the time I feel too weak and vulnerable to be keeping a shattered heart inside my chest. Then again, it gives me so much consolation that my "direct line" with God in prayer is always open and available!

Painting and praising even in my brokenness.

Ah, the tempests that rage in my life, and the billows that toss me around!! I would not have survived and still remain here if it were not for God's grace. I thank God for days like today that I get to reflect and deal with my heartaches. Admittedly, some parts of my paintings literally include tears! 

God made the world beautiful, but we have marred it with our selfishness and greed. Somehow, when I paint, I am able to look at Beauty that I otherwise would usually not notice, what with the daily preoccupations of my every day existence. With brush in hand, I am able to contemplate how masterfully and thoughtfully God created each of us; that every detail in Creation was, and is done in Love.

It's two days before Christmas, and there's a sense of longing, and emptiness that need to be filled. Out in the streets, I see chaos in the snail's pace traffic. The Christmas lights have become too blindingly bright that people seem to be unable to focus on the real Light. The Christmas carols that I so love to sing as a child are reduced to noise, compared to that one sweet sound I so long to hear ~ His voice. 

Christmas is a joyful season; I cannot help but also think about why He was born in the first place. The sadness echoes because I know He came that He may die for me. His birth brings hope and promise, and the certainty that there is salvation for us all.

If the myriad pieces of my broken heart were not enclosed, they would probably have already scattered all over. There is joy in celebrating the season, but this early, I cannot help but ponder about Bethlehem and Calvary at the same time. I am exhausted and broken, and yet, in my brokenness, He comes to me as a child, and He makes my heart whole again.

I am glad I can resort to my paints and paint brushes. All is God's grace that I am able to turn the mind to the good. The pigments and the canvasses are a big help in keeping my focus on Him who is the reason for the season.  Oh the hope that is experienced through the heart by the power of His unconditional love and grace! 

What a truly amazing gift we all receive at Christmas ~ Jesus Himself! 

Prayer for a Peaceful Sleep

Have you ever experienced sleeping for eight straight hours and yet wake up feeling like you have not slept and rested at all?

Below is a prayer I read from aleteia.org:

Watchers In The Night by Thomas Blackshear 

God in heaven, O Creator,
O One who loved me into being…

Now that the voices are silenced
and the crowded world of projects
and overwhelming noise is hushed,
here, at my bed, I seek Your consolation.

My spirit roots for You, as an infant seeks out the breast,
seeks you as a child seeks the succor 
and embrace of a father —
the parent who will whisper, “Shh, I am with you,”
and bring solace to the soul with an unconditional love.

I believe in Your love, and I hope in You,
and I pray You will grace me with the gift of faith, unfailing,
the gift of wisdom, beyond my instincts,
the gift of trust, which is so hard.

I give glory and thanks to You for this day as it ends,
and beg that You will give me eyes to see
that in all things, You have been with me:
in what was difficult, and what was easy,
in what was anxious and what was peaceful.

In those times I sought You out, or forgot to,
You were with me, still, and I thank You.

Today, I failed in love; You know this.
I beg You to forgive me.
Today, I lost my temper; You know this.
I beg You to forgive me.
Today, I was selfish; You know this.
I beg You to forgive me.
Today, I felt desolate, unsure, and afraid;
I beg You to reach me, and to teach me again
that You love me, and are near.
That You are, O God, the safest of safe places,
the wayside resting place, where I may catch my breath,
and seek You out, before going on.

Before I rest tonight, I must thank You for Your love,
beg Your pardon for my failings,
and Your shelter from my interior storms.

O my Lord, at this moment, all is calm,
and sleep beckons me.

It is your world!
I place all of my concerns into Your hands,
and all of my fears into Your Sacred Heart,
the Self-immolating gift that is never consumed.

I believe in You.

Although I cannot understand all that is before me,
I know all things work toward
the purposes of your mysterious plans for my own good.
And I trust in this.

And I beg for the gift and grace to trust you even further,
day by day.

I ask this in the name of Christ Jesus,
seeking the prayers of Mary, his Mother, (and our Mother, too)
and of my guardian angel and patron saint (Name).

I will lie down in peace and sleep comes at once
for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:9)

Amen.

________________

Saint Joseph, pray for us.

Saint Dominic de Guzman and Saint Francis of Assisi, pray for us.

Saint Catherine of Siena and Saint Rose of Lima, pray for us.

Saint Luke the Evangelist, and Blessed Fra Angelico, pray for us.

Saint Therese of the Child Jesus and Saint Joan of Arc, pray for us.

Life In A Dash

I have not organized my thoughts yet ~ lost a loved one to cancer last week. 

Before the final blessing during the Requiem Mass, the celebrant read a poem that I am posting here. I will write about my personal reflections one of these days. The words will come, when it's the perfect time.

Divine Word Gardens

​The Dash

by Linda Ellis 

​I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone

from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth

and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

The Dominican Blessing

It's the feast of our Holy Father Saint Dominic de Guzman again! I was at the Santo Domingo Parish- National Shrine of Our Lady of the Rosary, La Naval de Manila earlier for the Eucharistic celebration.

I took this picture of Saint Dominic, which I found at the
Basilica of Holy Trinity in Kraków, Poland.
It is a church and monastery of the Dominican Order. 

One of the things I learned from formation, and which I truly treasure, is the 13th century-Dominican Blessing or prayer below:

May God the Father bless us.

May God the Son heal us.

May God the Holy Spirit enlighten us,

and give us

eyes to see with,

ears to hear with,

hands to do the work of God with,

feet to walk with,

a mouth to preach

the word of salvation with,

and the angel of peace 

to watch over us 

and lead us at last, by our Lord’s gift, 

to the Kingdom. Amen.

I absolutely love it when some members of our chapter, the Our Lady of La Naval Lay Dominican Fraternity, (which meets monthly at the Santo Domingo convent) sing it during our monthly meetings. It was of course sung after the Mass earlier. 

Below is a video by the students of the Saint Dominic Priory in St. Louis, Missouri who sang it so beautifully. (In the future I hope to record one with our chapter members singing.)

Happy feast day, Saint Dominic! And to my Dominican family across the globe!

O most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us.

Our Lady of the Holy Rosary - La Naval de Manila, pray for us.

Saint Dominic de Guzman, pray for us.

Saint Francis of Assisi, pray for us.

Saint Catherine of Siena, pray for us.

All you Dominican Saints, pray for us.

O Lord, When?

A dear friend and brother in the Faith has recently asked me when I intend to get back on my blog. I have not written about anything in a while, except for some required "home work" for my Dominican formation. I have a draft of some reflections about my writing hiatus which I will post here soon. But for now, I'd like to post a timely message which I came across almost serendipitously! 

I have chosen the above blog post title because I think  I have been "bugging" the Lord too much for a certain prayer request I still have not received a clear answer to. Patience does not come by too easily, and I beg Him for the grace to be able to bear it all for love of Him!

Wisdom from the Saints:

I was reading through some  quotations by some saints, which I have compiled for future use. I am tasked at work to post something about the holy men and women of God, if possible, on a daily basis, except perhaps on ferial days. Before I post, I verify these quotations by going through several related articles, which of course, I get from Google.

While checking on a quotation from Saint Vincent de Paul, I read a letter he penned on April 25, 1659 for Father Guillaume Desdame, a missionary. 

Saint Vincent de Paul, was a French Roman Catholic priest, the great apostle of Charity, who founded several religious congregations that belong to the Vincentian Family. This is an excerpt of that letter:

Saint Valentine, the Martyr

According to the 1962 Missal of Saint John XXIII the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite, February 14th is the feast of Saint Valentine. He was a priest of Rome, (some sources say he was even a bishop), who was beheaded in about 273 A.D. 

Pope Julius I built a basilica on the Flaminian Way, believed to be the site of his martyrdom.

Greater love hath no man than that he lay down his life for his friends. (Jn1:13)

During the time of Claudius II, a decree was issued which forbid marriage. Saint Valentine defied this decree and urged young lovers to come to him in secret so that he could join them in the Sacrament of Matrimony. Eventually he was discovered by the Emperor, who had Valentine arrested and imprisoned. 

Saint Valentine held steadfast in his Faith and in turn attempted to convert Claudius to Christianity, at which point the Emperor condemned him to death.

Even When It Hurts

I have been meaning to write about one particular unforgettable experience during my visit to Poland, but have not really sat down to do it. Although I did write a draft of this blog entry while still in Chudow, I never got to finish it there. So after more than four months of having restless sleep because all the words flow in my head while I am lying in bed, I am finally trying to work on this now. And it's the wee hours of the morning on a Friday. I am hoping my caffeine fix will take care of the impending headache later due to lack of sleep.

At the Jasna Góra Monastery in Częstochowa, Poland
with my foster family

Will Work For Travel
If wanderlust were like pixie dusts that accidentally spilled over my head, I am certain I almost got buried underneath lots of it. 

I love going places. The travel bug bit me deep enough to make my desire for globetrotting ridiculously insatiable. If only I could just pack my bags any time and go somewhere instantly! In every place of course, I have had memorable adventures and misadventures. Poland is stunningly unforgettable no doubt. I was expecting to be gobsmacked, and the country did not disappoint. But a misadventure happened to me there. And I put the blame solely on me.

Believe

This is a long-overdue journal about my trip to Poland last July 2016. There's so much to write about to unload my heart, and to bring to recollection all the lessons of that pilgrimage. 

I begin with Auschwitz.

"Arbeit macht frei"means "work sets you free".
This appears on the entrance of Auschwitz,
and other labour camps. (c. July 2016)

I was able to visit the WWII German Nazi Concentration camps, Auschwitz I, and Auschwitz II-Birkenau, located near the industrial town of Oswiecim in Poland, during the Days in the Diocese prior to the World Youth Days in Krakow. It was a most poignant experience, walking on its grounds, touching the barbed-wire fences, taking a peek inside the gas chambers, and seeing first-hand where millions of innocent lives perished. There was a moment I recall when I passed by the Auschwitz gallows ~ I tried to envision myself present in that period of World War II, and wondered how I would have met death had I been one of the prisoners. I could not fathom the cruelty and brutality of the Nazis. The horrifying atrocities of the Holocaust was too much to bear, let alone imagine.