Les Réflexions et les Leçons d'un Voyageur de Pèlerin: Be God's Lady

Today marks the end of the Flores de Mayo, the May festivities dedicated to the Queen of Heaven and Earth, the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Last night our parish had its Santacruzan, a procession that depicts the finding of the Holy Cross in Jerusalem by Queen Helena of Constantinople (Reyna Elena) and Constantine the Great. I looked out for favorite "participants of the Sagala, like the Reyna del Cielo (Queen of Heaven), or Rosa Mistica (Mystical Rose), but did not find them. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed it, especially watching the little girls dressed as angels holding the letters of the angelic salutation, AVE MARIA! I have to admit, though, that I miss the more traditional ones that I used to watch at my parents' small provincial town in Quezon. There seems to be too much pageantry going on now, and less of the religio-historical aspect that I grew to love. But I won't write about that here.

Before Mass earlier, I found myself looking at a stained-glass window of the Annunciation. For an instant, I felt like being brought back to that moment when our Sweetest Lady said her Fiat to Archangel Gabriel. As I stared in awe, almost seeing the delicate incomparable beauty of our Lady in the flesh, I could only utter a silent prayer for the grace to also grow in the virtues that Mother Mary has attained so perfectly!

But I am a sinner! A miserable sinner! I am aware that sometimes the devil plays with my self-awareness of the gravity of my shortcomings and failures, that I almost get on the brink of despondency. Good thing I have Mother Mary, the dispenser of all graces, our most merciful Mother and Queen, who reminds me to always look to Jesus!

As I looked at the image of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I am reminded of how God fearfully and wonderfully made me. He called me by my name; a name after our most amiable Lady Herself! I am reminded especially to be ever thankful that I am always under the mantle of her maternal protection. Her efficacious and powerful prayers for me always help me embrace who God has created me to be.

I suddenly thought of my childhood, too. Growing up in a patriarchal, extended-family is not without difficulties. I am the eldest in a brood of four, but I have several older cousins whom I always got compared with. Although there was no explicit rule at home to be the best in everything, I grew up satisfying the need to always put my best foot forward, get my family's approval and adulation, and prove myself worthy of such praise. The economic and social challenges of living in a third world country is another story.

It was not just my parents. Aunts, uncles, and even my grandparents, would have varied reasons to compare me with my other relatives: whether it be regarding what I was wearing, how I have aced my latest exams, or how several shades darker my skin has gotten after a summer trip in the rural hometown of our clan. I am trying my best to recall, but I do not remember a compliment ever thrown at me as a child. I did not realize it then, but I grew up wanting so much to hear the affirmations that I am good enough, that I am beautiful enough, that can also be the best as the rest of my cousins. Instead, I had been told I was ugly, that I am not tall enough, not fair-skinned enough, not intelligent enough, that I would not amount to anything as an adult, that I will always be a nobody.

As a child, I did not realize how such words, and such unhealthy comparisons, poisoned my self-image!

It got to a point when I felt I do not belong in both my maternal and paternal sides of the family. There was an insatiable hunger for love and belongingness, on top of the need for self-actualization. It was like role playing, wherein I needed to do something out of obligation, and none of it was my first choice. It felt like having activities that were reduced to what everyone else wanted to see, but not really what I wanted to do. Personal dreams and hopes faded into oblivion as I played the part of being the person my family expected me to be. I felt I exerted all my efforts and yet I still was not the best. The sting of not-being-good-enough gripped me menacingly for years. And my struggles with low-self esteem were exacerbated by being told that I almost did not get born; that I was almost aborted. I have written about that here.

It went downhill for me when my parents separated. I was in my mid-teens. What was worse was that even my dad compared me with the daughters of his new wife. Burdened with the responsibility to make life better for the family that my father left behind, my cross became even heavier. One heartache after another, the feeling of rejection and abandonment was overwhelmingly painful. It was intensely lonely back then. I felt unwanted, insecure and alone, and everyone was deaf to my silent pleas.

The good news is, there is always hope. And God made sure I got an overflowing grace of that!

I thank God for His mercy that prevented me from becoming desperately suicidal. I was very much aware of the repercussions of such sin. But I remember spending hours in the adoration chapel crying and begging God to take me back home to Him. Since I could never have the courage to kill myself, I pleaded that He take me instead. Little did I know then that those moments spent with Him before the Blessed Sacrament was all part of His saving grace.

The Madonnina (Madonna of the Streets) by
Roberto Ferruzzi.
My dad told me he considered to name me
Joanne Olivia, but then ended up naming me
Madonna after seeing this painting in
my mum's hospital room.

In my desolation and grief, God called me by my name, and assured me that I have reason to rejoice; I should not be afraid because I am His. (Isaiah 43:1) I am His precious daughter, His masterpiece, His "madonnina", His lady. (I was named after Roberto Ferruzi's painting, the Madonna of the Streets.) Truly, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit". (Psalm 34:18)

When I look back at those trying times in my life, Mother Mary always comes to mind. It was to Her that I always ran for consolation. Oh how I cried rivers in front of Her sacred image at the the National Shrine of Our Lady of La Naval de Manila. She has always been my refuge; she who is the Comforter of the Afflicted. I remember a quotation which said that "an army saying the rosary will conquer the world." The Blessed Virgin's rosary was my weapon; its power has helped me overcome the dangers in "my world" ~imminent depression and despair. There were moments that I felt I would have totally snapped and lose all hope, but God has been magnanimous. Thank God that the Theotokos is also our Sweetest Mother! I believe that it has always been through Her powerful intercession that I am able to embrace my crosses, and look only to Jesus Her Son.

It took many years of prayers, of reading about the goodness of God in scriptures and in inspired texts, of listening to His affirmations through His servants in Church, and ultimately through the gift of His unfathomable mercy and unconditional love, before I finally embraced my heirship as God's daughter, redeemed by the precious Blood of Jesus Christ. It did not happen overnight, but I am thankful that I have Mother Mary as my guide and model of faith in Jesus~ a faith that rises above all obstacles and circumstances. As my Mother of Good Counsel, she shows me and stands by me in my "pilgrimage of faith". Her strength, Her courage, Her unwavering trust in the Lord even in the most trying and painful times of Her own life, and the perseverance of Her faith, inspire me to fight the good fight till the very end.

All is grace, I have to reiterate. I would not have reached where I am now without God's help. I am still a sinner very much in need of the love and mercy of our Good Shepherd.

God's love transforms me little by little. I now do not worry about what others say or think of me, so long as I know that with God I am able to do His will in my life. I have been called selfish for defying familial authorities who still insist they know better what career choice I should have, and what my preference should be for a husband. I know now that what matters most is God's opinion of me, and what He wants me to accomplish for the good of my soul. I have learned, though not yet fully, to surrender and abandon myself to His infinite Love, and to trust Him that He alone knows what's best for me. I still falter at times; I have yet to learn total abandonment to Divine Providence, and the absence of all useless anxieties, but I no longer lose heart. I feel like a little child still learning so much from my Greatest Teacher and most amazing Father in Heaven!

It is not an easy path. I get "persecuted" and "hated" for going towards the direction led by Jesus Christ. The devil still whispers lies to me every now and then. Satan rubs it in that I am far from having the humility, the perfection, the discipline, and the other virtues of the Saints.

But I am not a lost cause. God is my hope; He is my confidence. (Psalm 71:5) With God everything is possible. And I am assured of the maternal protection of the Woman destined to crush the head of the infernal serpent.

In a world that defines success as having attained the highest educational degrees, amassing huge wealth, having power, and getting accolades, I look to the Blessed Virgin Mary, and am reminded to keep it simple: I desire to be a woman after God's own heart! I'd rather be His lady, pleasing to Him, bringing joy to His heart, than please the people around me.

I was created for a purpose, and I am thankful for the grace to have been able to take several definitive steps into becoming what God intended me to be. As one of my dear patronesses, Saint Catherine of Siena, puts it, "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire."