The Silent Gaze of Mercy

It was a wonderful morning a few days before Christmas. My coworkers decided to go to Tagaytay City to check on retreat houses that our diocesan catechists may stay-in for a retreat in 2015. They invited me to tag along. After weeks of working late, I welcomed the short getaway; I could use some fresh air. 

Maryridge Retreat House
of the Good Shepherd Sisters

As I waited for my friends to pick me up at the corner of Araneta Avenue and Aurora Boulevard, I saw a little boy about 6 to 8 years old, begging a coconut vendor to give him a piece. I overheard him saying he has not eaten yet. I could not resist the urge to approach them and offered to pay for one. He excitedly took the coconut fruit and water. I asked him where his parents were. In between sips, he nonchalantly replied he has no mother and his father is in jail because of cellphone theft. He has no siblings, and he said he has no house and sleeps in the streets. I felt a searing pain in my heart.

The vendor, perhaps also filled with pity for the child exclaimed, "Kung ang Diyos ay Diyos na maawain, bakit Niya hinahayaang magdusa ang mga batang paslit?" (If God is a God of mercy, why does He allow little children to suffer?)

Before I could answer him, he left almost in a haste, and so did the little boy, and I was left dumbfounded on that street corner. There I was looking forward to a short trip away from the city to unwind, while many nameless destitute people are worrying about where to get money for their next meal. I was excited to have some relaxation outside Manila, but around me are people lacking not just in basic necessities but also in love and attention. I felt guilt and sorrow. I felt I was not doing enough to alleviate pain in the world.

After a few minutes, my friends came. And so began my journey to Tagaytay, contemplating the pain and suffering of this world.

In the many years that I have served as a volunteer in various organizations that take care of the sick, the elderly, the poor, the abandoned and the marginalized of society, I have seen pain and despair. At one point in my life, I have asked God why He could have the heart to allow suffering? I believe that with Him nothing is impossible, but why then can't He do something about those abandoned elderly on the streets? Or bring healing to all those cancer-stricken children so that they may live a full life? Or provide a safe and loving home for orphans?

I have always known the answer. This inextinguishable faith in my heart will always find solace in the Truth of the Gospels. But in silence, I begged the Good Lord to remind me once again. Perhaps I needed to just hear Him speak to me.

We arrived to a chilly weather at the Franciscan Missionaries of Mary Retreat center and was welcomed by Sr. Aida, FFM. Inside her office was a simple reminder of the real Reason for this season of merriment and glad tidings. 

Sr. Aida's Nativity display
on her office desk

On her desk was a Nativity set ~ Saint Joseph and the Blessed Virgin Mary kneeling and adoring the Infant Jesus. Looking at the Holy Babe you'd expect to find joy. Ironically, all I could think about was the reason why Jesus had to be born for us all: our redemption through His Cross. And I thought about that hungry, homeless little boy I encountered earlier that day. I fought back tears as I thought of how he will be spending his Christmas while the rest of us shall be stuffing our bellies with good food and wine, and how we shall be celebrating till the wee hours of the morning with laughter and warmth with our loved ones. That boy will be  cold, hungry, and all alone.

And I looked to Jesus. In silence, He comforted my heart and reminded me of His love. Jesus knew how it was to be alone at the moments of His greatest sufferings. No other human soul could ever comprehend nor share the agony of His heart as He hung on the Cross. That is why He fully knows and understands what every breaking heart is going through. He  is Emmanuel after all; God with us who shares in our deepest loneliness. In His desolation, He reveals to us His infinite and unconditional love for humankind. Jesus invites us to come to Him that He may be able to take away our afflictions. He draws us to Himself that He may be able to dry all our tears.

As we continued on to have an ocular visit of the place, Sr. Aida led us to their chapel with a breathtaking view of the Taal Lake. Inside, as I would expect in a Franciscan congregation, hung a San Damiano Cross. I knelt in prayer and looked at the image of Jesus. 

The San Damiano Cross and an image of Mother Mary,
Chapel of the FMM Retreat House in Tagaytay

I was reminded of the salvific Love of Jesus. Saint John Paul II said in Salvifici Doloris, "Salvation means liberation from evil, and for this reason it is closely bound up with the problem of suffering... God gives His Son to 'the world' to free man from evil, which bears within itself the definitive and absolute perspective on suffering."

"God gives His only-begotten Son so that man 'should not perish' and the meaning of these words ' should not perish' is precisely specified by the words that follow: "but have eternal life". Man 'perishes' when he loses 'eternal life'. The opposite of salvation is not, therefore, only temporal suffering, any kind of suffering, but the definitive suffering: the loss of eternal life, being rejected by God, damnation. The only-begotten Son was given to humanity primarily to protect man against this definitive evil and against definitive suffering." (Saint John Paul II in Salvifici Doloris, IV, 14)

The Cross of Christ teaches us and empowers us to take up our own crosses and to be affirmed that in our own anguish, we partake of the suffering of Jesus. In Him we find comfort for our weary, burdened hearts. When we are faced with fears, we draw strength from Him who endured the ordeals and tortures of His Passion. When we feel alienated or rejected, He draws us to run to Him who alone can fill the emptiness our heart feels. 

I look up to the Cross, the eyes of Jesus lovingly gazing at me. Love is the answer of the meaning of suffering, and I found it in the eyes of the image of Jesus hanging on the Cross. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life" (St. John 3:16) 

I offered a prayer for that little boy, an image of Christ hungry for our love. Pray with me for him, and for all those abandoned children, the sick, the last, the lost, the least, all dear to Jesus whose birthday we celebrate every Christmas.

The Hobbit, Winning One Soul for God

I am not a moviegoer. I can actually go on for months without watching a film on TV or on the big screen. When I do go, I usually just tag along with cousins or accompany a nephew and niece. But every now and then, when time permits, I watch marathons with my siblings. 

Last Friday night, December 12, was one of those rare occasions when I watched a movie at the theater. It was a special movie screening organized by the Dominican (Order of Preachers) student brothers to raise funds for their ministry to the youth, justice and peace, care for creation,  promotion of devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary, and to support their social communications media apostolate. The fund raising activity was dubbed The Hobbit, for the Habit of Sharing!

I have read the Hobbit a long time ago, before the first Lord of the Rings movie came out. I honestly don't remember the details of it anymore, except that I am pretty sure Legolas was not in it yet. 

I enjoyed the movie a lot. It had been a long time since I have done something relaxing and entertaining. But I admit that I did not pay a hundred-percent attention to the details of every scene. As Thorin searched for the Arkenstone, I was reminded of how men get too attached with worldly possessions and pleasures. How we sometimes fall into madness as we obsessively pursue success, financial security, power and recognition. In one scene, Thorin said, "If more of us valued... cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." In this capitalist world we live in now, sometimes we all fall prey to greed and forget the things that truly matter most, like family, friends, and our Faith.

I may sound too mushy, but towards the end of the movie, I was struck by Tauriel's words as she mourned the death of Kili: "If this is love, I don't want it. Take it away, please! Why does it hurt so much?" 

Thranduil, the Elvenking, replied, "Because it was real."

It echoed what Archbishop Soc said about love. "My dear young people, love is not a feeling. Love is sacrifice. And there is no greater love than to die for your beloved", he said.

Earlier that Friday, I was at the Araneta Coliseum for the "Win One for God: A Pope Rally" organized by the Couples For Christ-Foundation for Family and Life (CFC-FFL) and the Family Rosary Crusade (FRC). It was a gathering that aimed to spiritually prepare the youth for the apostolic visit of Pope Francis in 2015, and it focused on the papal visit's theme, Mercy and Compassion. Archbishop Soc Villegas, D.D. presided over the Eucharistic celebration in honor of the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, with Bishop Honesto Ongtioco, D.D. of the Diocese of Cubao as con-celebrant. During the homily, Archbishop Soc reminded the youth to frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and not be afraid to ask God for forgiveness because He is our merciful and compassionate Father. He also explained why we do the sign of the cross ~ to know ("kilala"), love ("mahal") and accept ("tanggap") God. He emphasized that we should all keep our eyes fixed on Jesus; to focus on Him so that we may be able to do small acts of love and win a soul for God. 

As I watched the battle of the five armies, I thought of the daily struggles we go through and the inner wars we all fight in order to survive. In Bilbo, a hobbit, I thought of all the unsung heroes who work "behind the scenes" to make our daily existence more comfortable. I was also reminded of the shepherds who visited Jesus, ordinary folk who were used by God for a greater mission to spread the Joy of the Messiah's birth. I reflected on how we are all part of a great tapestry, that we all have something to do in the vineyard of the Lord. We all have a role to play, and God values our acts done in humility and love. 

Saint Therese' words echoed in my head, "Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice, here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love."

I thought of Bilbo Baggins, and how he who is unknown and lowly has helped change the heart of Thorin. It was not by power nor by might that he accomplished his mission. 

Pure, sacrificial love was the answer. It always has to be Love.

God's Mercies in Disguise

One of the Bible verses I learned as a child is that from Isaiah 55:8 which says, "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord." Many times in my life I have asked, "How much longer must I wait, Lord?" Whenever I begin to question Him, this passage reminds me that God knows best and I need to wait for His perfect time. 

Photo credit: Maan Palma

Growing up, it was instilled upon me that in prayer, having faith means knowing that God  is capable of giving me all of my heart's desires. But wait, there is the important element of trust! To surrender to the will of God means that even though I am telling Him what I want, I cannot prescribe how God must answer me; I have to let Him work wonders in my life and not demand that He must give-in to whatever I am asking from Him. As a daughter of the Almighty Father, I ought to have confidence in His goodness, wisdom and faithfulness. To trust God means I will let Him shape the answers to my prayers according to His love and mercy. 

When our prayers do not get answered, the devil takes the opportunity to deceive us into believing that God has forgotten us and has left us to fend for ourselves. But as Christians, we know that to trust the Lord means we shall allow Him to give us what He knows is best for each of us, His children.  God alone sees beyond what our eyes can see, He knows infinitely more than what our finite minds can grasp, and we have to humbly submit to Him and be rest assured that He shall only give what will most benefit our souls and our situations in life, according to His plans. But then again, whenever the crosses upon our shoulders seem to become too heavy to bear, we are all tempted to question God if He truly listens and loves us...

Just for the last week,  I have been to four Advent recollections. Bringing to mind all the marvelous blessings God has bestowed upon me, I also remember all my prayers that God has not answered. In retrospect, all those unanswered supplications have been part of God's wonderful plan for my life.

I remember how, as a little girl, I wanted my entire family to move to the United States to be with my father who was working there at that time. It did not happen. Prior to college, I was offered a chance to study in the US, but that, too, did not materialize. I may only have inklings as to the real reasons why God did not allow me to go there back then, but I now see the many reasons why He preferred to delay the grace of migrating to a foreign land. Looking back at the way my life as a student had been, I realized that all my experiences in school have helped shape who I am today. One of the best blessings of spending the crucial formative years of my life here in the Philippines is growing in the Faith, thanks to my teachers and mentors in the Catholic schools I have attended.

I recall that time I had my heart badly broken and begged God to intervene that I may receive the love that I thought I deserved.  I felt so shattered and unworthy of love. The Lord did not meddle in the affairs of my heart, and back then it seemed to me that He was not being a supportive Father. Fast forward to the present day, whenever I remember those crazy days, it has become an opportunity to laugh with God. I am so glad now that He did not answer my prayers then, because now I understand that He was just sparing me from more misery and tears.

I think of the many times I cried myself to sleep at night, wondering if God could hear my pleas. Reminiscing about those moments, I now know that in His denials, He makes sure to make His love palpable and evident so as to prevent me from falling into despair. All those tears have taught me to rely on His unconditional love for me. In every single "No" that He has given, He has taught me to depend on His generosity and providence. His unfailing Word promises me that He keeps track of all my sorrows; He collects all my tears and records each one in His book. (Psalm 56:8). He promises to one day wipe every tear from my eyes and there shall be no more mourning nor pain. (Revelation 21:4)

In my life, I have asked God countless things, and whenever He chooses to give me less, it is when I am assured that He loves me too much. For the things I still beg of Him, He instructs me to be patient, for only He shall choose to answer me in His own way and in His own time. He teaches my heart to rejoice and to feast on hope while I wait for the fulfillment of His promises to me. In suffering and in waiting, God transforms me to become a woman after His own heart, and He draws me into an even deeper relationship with Him.

In the past, whenever I feel burdened and at the brink of despair, I would question God "Why?". These days, when problems arise, I am now able to ask, "Lord, how can I find You in the midst of all these problems and pain?" 

Often, God's gifts to us do not come in the kind of packaging that we expect. We find a rock, and discover that within is a precious diamond. The rain has to pour first, before God paints the sky with a rainbow.

Laura Story-Evington says it best in her song, Blessings: God's gifts come through rain drops, His healing comes through tears; a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know He is near. My greatest disappointments and the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can never ever satisfy. The trials, the tempests, the hardest nights, are God's mercies in disguise.

The Challenge To Be Merciful and Compassionate

When you have all the reasons to get miffed, how does one practice mercy and compassion? 

I have had a hectic schedule for the last two months, and it is even busier in the coming weeks. This morning I thought of all the things that make me tick and offered them to God...

Sleep deprivation. Messed-up meal times. Technical difficulties at work. Stifling heat. My allergies. Some characters who think they own the world and act like they have the right to make slaves of everyone. Traffic everywhere. 

These and other little things that can make a person easily irked or go ballistic are just some of the things that can spike my cortisol levels into unbelievable heights. Add to these stimuli are some people who will just get into my nerves no matter how hard I try to be nice. Often, I do not have the gentleness of an angel; nor the patience of a saint. I am sometimes short-fused like Saul of Tarsus when provoked. But through the years, I have, if I may say so, become tamed. (On that note, even my snootiness has tempered.)

I am God's work in progress. I am glad my conversion did not include falling to the ground like what happened to Saint Paul on the road to Damascus! Neither was there a burning bush nor peals of thunder and arrows like lightning! From day one, I was introduced to a loving, gentle God who will never turn His back on me. His loving kindness drew me back to run to Him, like a prodigal daughter returning into the loving arms of the Almighty Father.

To be  a woman after God's own heart really requires both His Grace and my cooperation! I am just so glad we have a merciful, very patient God who never gives up on me!

This morning I was begging God to fix my schedule for me so that I can fulfill all the dreams He has planted in my heart. I was also dreaming of a much-needed "hibernation." But he reminded me to do (and keep on doing) certain things so that I shall always have "grace under pressure."

Start the day with a prayer. This I have proven to be foolproof! When I begin my day even with a few moments to talk to the Lord, the day passes in a breeze. "In the face of so many wounds that hurt us and could lead to a hardness of heart, we are called to dive into the sea of prayer, which is the sea of the boundless love of God, in order to experience His tenderness."(Pope Francis) Prayer does not have to be very long. What is important is that it is sincere. I usually start my "conversation" with the Lord the moment I open my eyes. I thank Him for waking up to another day. I offer Him the plans and activities that need to be done, and pray that in everything I may be able to give Him glory and praise. I always bear in mind that it is not my work; that it is not my mission, but it is God's. He is only using me to be His hands and feet ~ His heart. If it is possible to go to daily Mass, then I  go. I do my very best to do so. "The Mass is the most perfect form of prayer." (Blessed Pope Paul VI)

Forgive seventy times seven. We all stumble and make mistakes. Sometimes we do hurtful things to others, intentionally or unintentionally. When someone wrongs us, do we choose to retaliate, or do we use our energy instead to resolve misunderstandings or issues? Jesus challenges us to make allowances for each other's faults and forgive those who offend us, just as He never tires on forgiving us. During the Mass of the Lord's Supper in 2013, Pope Francis said "... Sometimes I am angry with someone or other... but... let it go, let it go, and if he or she asks you a favor, do it. Help one another: this is what Jesus teaches us and this (is) what I am doing, and doing with all my heart." Jesus' example ought to motivate us to be merciful, because God in His inexhaustible mercy has also forgiven us. In the Lord's prayer, we say "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."(Matthew 6:12). Either we take the path towards revenge, or opt for reconciliation. The choice is really ours.

A smile begets a smile . Pope Francis said, "I cannot imagine a Christian who does not know how to smile. May we joyfully witness to our faith." Happiness is contagious; smiling is an outward expression of joy... In my daily commute, I'd often come across people who test my patience. In the past, little annoyances would ruin my day. I have learned now to try to look at the bright side of every situation. I have read somewhere that we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. It is the same with the way we choose to deal with every circumstance in our life. The way we respond to others, even the way we choose to see things, make all the difference. Happiness is a conscious choice. Sometimes, all it takes is a smile to cheer-up someone who is in sorrow, or let another person feel at ease. A smile can brighten the darkest day!

Count your blessings. I remember one of my favorite childhood fairy tales, Peter Pan, where he said, "Think of happy thoughts and you will fly!" As Christians, we ought to think of all the blessings God bestows upon each of us and count them! "Young people who choose Christ are strong: They are fed by His Word and they do not 'stuff themselves' with money, possessions and fleeting pleasure", Pope Francis told the youth last 29th (diocesan) WYD earlier this year. Yes whatever wealth or possession we have right now are blessings, too. But those that really matter are not the things that money can buy! Wealth of priceless value includes our family, our friends, our Faith, and many more! Whenever I begin to think of my real treasures, I cannot help but smile and forget my inconveniences. 

Go the extra mile. As worn out as it may sound, I believe this adage is still good advice. Going the extra mile is not just doing more of what is expected of us, but it is also putting our hearts in whatever we are doing, and doing even the simplest things in love. Oh yes, Love. Love is always the best answer. "Love is the measure of faith", Pope Francis tweeted @Pontifex. Our Holy Father also said that "Faith when centered in service opens oneself to a true encounter with God." We are all called to follow the example of Jesus who laid down His life for us. There is so much loneliness and despair in the world because we who are in Christ fail to live out our baptismal duty of sharing God's love and mercy with others. Pope Francis reminds us that "Everyday we are all called to become a 'caress of God' for those who perhaps have forgotten their first caresses or perhaps who never have felt a caress in their life."

Swim against the tide. We live in an age where Faith and morals are sadly downplayed. The world entices us to settle for vain and empty illusions of happiness. Pope Francis told the youth to "Pay attention, my young friends: to go against the current; this is good for the heart, but we need courage to swim against the tide... We Christians were not chosen by the Lord for little things; push on-wards toward the highest principles. Stake your lives on noble ideals, my dear young people!" (Pope Francis, April 28, 2013 Homily) In another instance, His Holiness said, "Say NO to an ephemeral, superficial and throwaway culture, a culture that assumes that you are incapable on taking responsibility and facing the great challenges of life... Have the courage to swim against the tide. Have courage to be truly happy... Think big instead! Open your hearts!" I find assurance in the hope and joy I have in Christ. What a stress-reliever to know that when I obey God, I bring joy to His heart.

Focus on Jesus. In a world now too caught up with the advances in technology, in easy access to comfort and instant gratification, we sometimes lose sight of the things that are really important. We forget that God is the Source of all the blessings we have. The Vicar of Christ teaches us that "Following and accompanying Christ, staying with Him, demands 'coming out of ourselves'... out of a dreary way of living Faith that has become a habit, out of the temptation to withdraw into our own plans which end by shutting out God's creative action." (Papal Audience, March 27, 2014). Pope Francis reminds us that "The life of Jesus is a life for others. It is a life of service."  Following Jesus, and keeping our eyes fixed on Him also means trusting Him fully. "Trust in God banishes all fear and sets us free from every form of slavery and all worldly temptations", Pope Francis said. When we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of Faith, we receive the grace to strip off every weight that slows us down and we are able to run with endurance the race God has set before us. (Hebrews 12:1-2). We are able to fight the good fight with courage and determination, and are not easily discouraged. We are able to persevere and are not afraid to share the Gospel even when the world considers us foolish because we are assured that in Jesus we find our strength and our salvation. 

Remember always that we are made for happiness. Choosing to leave the corporate world and embracing a life of pastoral work in the vineyard of God has been the most radical, craziest decision I have made in my life, and I have no regrets. It is not financially fulfilling, but it has filled my life with so much joy. A few weeks ago, coming home late again from work, my mother exclaimed, "It is not easy being a fisher of men!" I did not have the right words to say at that moment, but my heart was overwhelmed with so much happiness. I no longer enjoy the "glamour and prestige" of being a career woman in Makati, but I know that I am perfectly where God wants me to be. "Faith in God has everything to do with the happiness we are made for. Jesus did not come to take away our fun. In His words, 'I have told you these things so that My joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete!'" (xt3.org Advent Calendar 12/1/14)

Pope Francis said that "To change the world, we must be good to those who cannot repay us." He challenges each one of us to be Jesus for others. "To love God and neighbor is not something abstract, but profoundly concrete: it means seeing in every person the face of the Lord to be served, to serve him concretely... Love is expressed more clearly in actions than in words. There is greater love in giving than in receiving. These two criteria are like the pillars of true love: deeds, and the gift of self." (Homily, 6/7/13 Feast of the Sacred Heart)

Right now, one song plays over and over in my head ~ the prayer of generosity of Saint Ignatius of Loyola: Lord, teach me to be generous... to give and not to count the cost... to labor and not to ask for reward, save that of knowing that I do Your will. I remind myself now that patience is a virtue. That in my journey, I must travel with Jesus along the path of Love. I pray to be able to do everything in love. I pray to be constantly renewed by God's mercy so that with His grace, I may always be merciful and compassionate like Jesus.

Litany of Humility

We are all guilty of pride. Here's a prayer which a missionary friend of mine gave to me before she left for her new mission assignment. It is a beautiful prayer that we may use...

Litany of Humility

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930)

Secretary of State for Pope Pius X

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...

From the desire of being extolled...

From the desire of being honored...

From the desire of being praised...

From the desire of being preferred to others...

From the desire of being consulted...

From the desire of being approved...

From the fear of being humiliated...

From the fear of being despised...

From the fear of suffering rebukes...

From the fear of being calumniated...

From the fear of being forgotten...

From the fear of being ridiculed...

From the fear of being wronged...

From the fear of being suspected...

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it...

That others may be esteemed more than I...

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease...

That others may be chosen and I set aside...

That others may be praised and I unnoticed...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, 

provided that I may become as holy as I should...

Almighty Father, give me the humility which realizes its ignorance, admits its mistakes, recognizes its needs, welcomes advice and accepts rebukes. Help me always to praise rather than criticize, to encourage rather than to disparage, to build rather than to destroy, and to think of people at their best rather than at their worst. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

"I-Thou" : The Experience of God's Mercy and Compassion

"The joy of the Gospel fills the hearts and lives of all who encounter Jesus. Those who accept His offer of salvation are set free from sin, sorrow, inner emptiness and loneliness. With Christ, joy is constantly born anew." ~Pope Francis, Evangelii Gaudium

I have just gone back from Talisay City, Negros Occidental last Friday night after a conference on the New Evangelization and the Young, organized by Bukal ng Tipan CICM Maryshore. The heart of the talks during the conference was the Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium of the Holy Father, Pope Francis. I will be writing about that in another article, and will focus here on my experience during my five-day sojourn in the City of Smiles.

I have been busy at work during the past weeks prior to the trip, and I looked forward to be away from the hustle and bustle of city life. I needed fresh air, and I literally got that in Maryshore where every morning I woke up to a magnificent view of flowering perennial evergreen trees and the sea. And before our good nights, I was able to do what I loved doing as a child ~ look up and marvel at the constellations shining like myriad diamonds in the dark blue vastness of the evening sky. 

Blessed Mother Teresa was right. "We need to find God and He cannot be found in the noise and the restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how in nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We  need silence to be able to touch souls."

More than anything, I prayed to have an even deeper encounter with Jesus my Savior and Greatest Friend.

Breathtaking view at Maryshore!

One of the most meaningful moments during the conference was when we were asked to write down what we would like to become for the youth we serve and minister to. We were asked to pair with another participant. My partner in that activity said he will be fearless like a lion and a joyful animator. I wrote down I'd like to be a joyful, ready to listen companion and friend. When we got back to the big group, the person beside me said he'd be an I-Thou. He wants to be Jesus to every person he will meet.

For a short background, the "I and Thou" relationship is a form of existentialism proposed by Martin Buber, an Austrian-born Israeli Jewish philosopher. In his book, he said that human life finds its meaningfulness in relationships, which bring us ultimately in relationship with God who is the Eternal Thou. The essential character of the I-Thou is the abandonment of the world of sensation, the melting of the between, so that the relationship with another "I" is foremost.

An encounter with Jesus brings joy...
New friends: some participants of the NE Conference

That person, turned friend and big brother, told me that he was inspired by the Holy Spirit to strive to be the "Thou" ~ to be Jesus for others. As a part-time professor of Philosophy in one of the prestigious schools in his town, and having a bigger audience as a radio announcer, he commands respect and adulation from students and fans. It was noteworthy that he acknowledges that people need to see and experience God through him. Prior to that conversation in the big group, I got to be with him when we had an immersion to meet young sakadas (sugar plantation workers). It was, unbeknownst to him then, that God used him as an instrument to speak to me.

I'd digress a little. I have heard about the plight of the sakadas in the movies and telenovelas. Meeting real life sugar plantation workers in an hacienda moved me. Where did I find Jesus in that scorching, awe-inspiring place? In the workers themselves. 

Sakadas: Joven is on the right

We met some workers, Joven, a 17-year old young sakada, was one of them. He said he wakes up early every morning to begin harvesting the sugar canes. They have their lunch at noon until about two o'clock in the afternoon and resume to work right away. We asked if he still goes to school, and he said he cannot do so anymore. Like most young workers, Joven stopped studying and needed to work to help make both ends meet at home. His father and older brother work with him in the hacienda. But what struck me most about him is his happy disposition as he cut the the cane very close to the ground, but not too close to the root to avoid hindering regrowth. (I was told that the highest concentration of sucrose is on the base of the plant.) In spite of the risks to health due to the working conditions and the physical movement inherent to the task, Joven seemed to have found joy in what he does. He is after all, doing it for his family. For love... It really always boils down to love.

Highlight of every day: the celebration of the Holy Eucharist

I am a workaholic, sometimes to the point of being at the brink of a burnout. The physical exhaustion~ I can deal with easily. I just sleep. But to have the heart working harder? 

We have heard the proverbial phrase "you cannot give what you do not have." This I know to be very true. Often, I'd cry out to God like Blessed Mother Teresa probably did when she said "I know God won't give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish He did not trust me so much." 

Sometimes I feel I do not love enough, or that I have nothing left to give. Often I have to endure a broken heart ~ broken for the same reasons God's heart breaks: for that mentally-challenged woman in the streets who bore a child after being raped... For that full term baby being aborted... For that little boy begging alms so he can have a piece of bread... For that person who refused to accept His love and willfully chose to end his own life... Sometimes I get too overwhelmed when Jesus allows me to experience a tiny portion of his heartache as he hung on the Cross. I break down and cry...

There are times, too, when I feel that I am not doing enough for the Lord. I get into a crisis and ask myself if what I am doing is worthwhile. I wonder if I am able to impact a life; if I am able to inspire hope; if in all these things that keep me busy, I am pleasing God. I ask myself if I am able to make use of the time, talent and treasures He has given me, not for myself but for others. 

I am praying that somehow, I have been able to save a soul. Just one would be enough to make me overjoyed. But God uses me to plant the seed, He nurtures and does the rest. It is not my mission after all; it is the Lord's. I am only His instrument.

But even in my knowledge of God's unfathomable mercy and compassion for me, I felt confounded. There were days when I ask if my fight is still worth fighting for. I wondered if I am still on the right path ~ the path that God wants me to take. I really needed God to assure me not just in the silence of my heart. I needed someone to tell me that I must persevere because He has already won the battle for me.

The Lord looked past my failures and weaknesses and spoke to me with mercy and love. In his compassion, all the answers I wanted to hear, God told me loud and clear through the instrument He sent to deliver the message. 

My I-Thou re-encounter with Jesus who is my Merciful King and Good Shepherd gave me so much comfort and consolation. There is no question that because of His grace, I am able to remain firm in the Faith. But sometimes, when the heart gets too overwhelmed, especially when it is expected to give more and love more than is required, and to be strong so that others may live, it causes me to get momentarily bedazzled then groping in the dark. I was feeling like that, and I needed a physical encounter with my God that I may be filled with love to the brim in order that I may be emptied for others again. I hear Him in silence, but I longed to hear Him speak loving words to me. I needed Him to be my Emmanuel. 

As always, God is so magnanimous and overlooked my sinfulness. He gave me what I desired. He affirmed my mission through the messenger He sent to me. The Lord assured me that I need to persevere in fighting the good fight; that Faith and Love are worth fighting for, that my hope is always in Him who assured me of victory. 

The bonus blessing of the re-encounter with Jesus was gaining a grande fratello (big brother). Being the eldest, I have always been the big sister not just to my siblings, but also to most of my friends and the youth in the ministry. It felt reassuring to know that I can also be the "bunso" (youngest). Jesus after all is the firstborn over all Creation. (Rev 1:5, Col 1:15). It felt wonderful to be the sorella minore (little sister).

Mercy and compassion must move us to alleviate the sufferings of others, and leave them with a lasting and palpable joy. I encountered Jesus amidst the scathing afternoon sun. I found Him, my Lord and my God, in the presence and care of a friend.

"Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum"

I love to quote Saint John Paul II when he said that "In the designs of Providence, there are no mere coincidences."

Just recently, I met a religious sister who told me to always remember my first yes to God, as I will find in it the resolve and the strength to persevere in fighting the good fight till the very end, especially in times of trials and struggles.

God has required my "yeses" so many times. At first I would resist a bit, but then I could not just find it in my heart to say no to Him.

The most pivotal of all those yeses happened more than two years ago. I spent Holy Week for the first time in the United States and spent Good Friday in Chicago. I sorely missed the Philippines then, because here, I get to observe the holy in the Semana Santa where we have the Pabasa, the Visita Iglesia, among other pious practices that we have.

I had to do with whatever service the Church in the US had. Good Friday is not even a holiday there. I ached knowing that if one day God will allow me to live there, I will not be having days of observance of the Church's holiest days. 

On that Good Friday in 2012, I was at the Holy Name Cathedral of Chicago, and contemplated on the Passion and Death of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. In the middle of the Liturgy and before the Veneration of the Cross, I heard the Spirit of God whisper to my heart, "I love you and Am able to give all that you ask. Are you willing to follow Me and carry the cross I shall give you?"

I had many fears and was aware of my own weaknesses. But I answered, "Yes, Lord, here i am. i will follow You."

Inside my head He showed me all that I have been praying for and all that He can give me. I knew that He shall be giving them to me in His time and not in mine.

Our omnipresent God whispered again, "I love you my child. You know that with Me all things are possible, and that even in the blink of an eye, I can give you all that you pray for and desire. But are you willing to wait for My perfect time? Do you trust Me fully? Are you willing to offer sacrifices, carry your cross and suffer for the salvation of others, while you await the fulfillment of My promises to you?"

How do you answer when the Lord asks you these questions?

With resignation in my heart and tears in my eyes, i answered, "Yes Lord, here i am. Make my heart meek and humble. Make my heart like unto Thine."

In my mind I saw women silently crying and being pushed by their circumstances to commit abortion. I saw children being forced to work while their parents neglect them. I saw young people succumb in immorality, vices and addiction. I couldn't help but cry. And I knew God wanted me to cooperate with His will and be one of His instruments to help allay fear and pain in the world.

It was overwhelming. I knew it entailed responsibility and the offering of my entire self. I shook in fear and uncertainty. I felt so unworthy to be called. I felt I was too shattered myself I cannot do much for those who are also suffering.

Finally, the Lord once again reassured me, "I love you, and I can do everything for you and give you that which you most desire..." At that point, I cried uncontrollably. I have this litany of prayers I have been begging the Lord to give me. But serving in Church ministries for a long time, I knew about patiently waiting for God's kairos. The Lord went on to ask me, "Are you willing to wait, carry your cross, commit your life to Me, and trust in My perfect will?"

In my heart of hearts, I borrowed my Sweetest Mother and Queen's reply, "Ecce ancilla Domini. Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum." Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to Thy Word.

I look back today to that fateful day of my yes to God. I look back with happiness and tears of joy where it has taken me in my Faith journey.

Pope Francis reminds me, and all of us, that we are His people on a journey. "When we set out on a journey, when we are on a path, we always discover new things, things which we did not know... Life is a journey toward the fullness of Jesus Christ."

"God is a God of surprises..." (Pope Francis)

There is peace in obedience to the will of God. There is joy in pain (pain of waiting most especially!) But God surprises me with His goodness and mercy! He is never outdone in His generosity and love for me... 

Oh what a journey it has been!

Faith is Stronger than Yolanda: A Year After the Storm

"In deep pain, people don't need logic, advice, encouragement, or even Scripture. They just need you to show up..." ~Rick Warren.

Mass grave in the Palo Cathedral grounds

I was not in the Philippines when I heard the news about typhoon Haiyan (locally called Yolanda) wrecking havoc in the Visayas region. The towns there were cut off from electricity and communication. For the first few days, anxiety was high as we waited for news from relatives living there. It was heartbreaking to learn that family members of some of my friends did not survive. One of my cousins decided to fly to Cebu and from there, took a ferry to Ormoc. It was the only way to reach Alang-alang and Palo, where our relatives live. I do not want to sound insensitive, but my family is grateful we have not lost loved ones in Typhoon Yolanda last November 08, 2013. All my relatives in Leyte survived. But I feel their sorrow for the people that meant to them who perished that day. I listened to the stories of my cousins' harrowing experience that fateful morning when the super typhoon ravaged their town and damaged almost everything in its path. I talked with some other survivors when I visited Palo, Leyte about two months ago. Their stories still echo the deep sorrow of losing those dear to them. I guess it's easier to say you've moved on, but in reality, the anguish will never totally go away.   

One of the dormitory rooms at
St. John the Evangelist School of Theology

How do you comfort the bereaved? No words can ever be enough to ease the grief of someone saddened and deprived by the death of a loved one. Especially one that is due to a natural disaster. Sometimes, taking time to visit them suffices. I have proven that to be true when I went to Palo. The survivors I spoke with expressed deep appreciation for being remembered to be checked on. One mother was even in tears as she thanked me for my gesture of flying all the way from Manila just to meet and talk with them. 

Bro. Ryan Salvacion

I got to speak with some seminarians of the Saint John the Evangelist School of Theology in Palo, Leyte. One of them, Bro. Ryan Salvacion of San Joaquin Parish, Palo, recounted that he and his brother-seminarians were up early that day. He was serving in the morning celebration of the Holy Eucharist. He remembered it had been raining the whole night, but they were not particularly worried about the typhoon. The Philippine islands are battered by storms every year, and Yolanda did not really alarm them. Bro. Ryan said he thought the storm-surges were unlikely to reach the seminary. But when it did come, the water rose up so high they held on to the ceiling joists of the dormitory. 

Bro. Ryan said a verse from the Letter of Saint Paul to the Romans kept ringing in his head while they were all afloat and expecting death: "For if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. (Romans 14:8). He said it was a moment of abandonment to Divine Providence, because in life and in death, we are all in the hands of God.

Bro. Jonathan Saavedra showed me
what used to be his dorm room

Bro. Jonathan Saavedra, another seminarian in Palo, but hails from Tagum, Davao del Norte, said he also found comfort in the promise of God as he held on to dear life. "The Lord says, 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you... For I am the Lord your God.'" (Isaiah 43:1-3). 

In Bro. Jonathan's words: "This passage from Isaiah is a promise from the Lord that He will really save us from any calamity. Faith is stronger than Yolanda. I told the Lord that if it His will, if it is His plan that I become a priest, I prayed Lord save us! Save us from death!" 

When the waters subsided, he said he knew God still has great plans for them. 40 seminarians and two priests inside the dormitory, all survived the fury of Yolanda.

Women I had the honor to speak with

One year after the supertyphoon hit the Philippines' Eastern seaboard, the outpouring of love from people from around the world is still overwhelming. Some housewives I have visited and spoken to said the assistance and donations that everyone sent will never be forgotten. They particularly remember the very big help that the Catholic Relief Services has done to alleviate their suffering. One of the women told me that the mere presence of the volunteers from different nations who responded days after Yolanda made landfall, gave them reason to hold on. They knew someone cared enough to come and help them. They felt loved and not forgotten.

Basey, Samar, a few days after Yolanda made landfall
Photo credit: Fr. Ronnie Santos of the Diocese of Cubao

The courage and heroism of those men and women I spoke with are truly remarkable. Their warmth and smiles were genuine even between holding back tears. The fortitude that got them back on their feet again to rebuild and start anew shows heroism and strength of spirit. They have shown me what resilience and hope is about. One year after, the rehabilitation of the towns devastated by Yolanda is not totally done yet. And help still pours.

Clergy & Lay volunteers of the Diocese of Cubao
filling up a 10-wheeler truck
of relief goods for the survivors of Yolanda.

How can we contribute? Our compassion must take us where our hands reach out to touch, where our hearts listen and empathize, our mouths uplift, encourage and speak love, and where our feet move us to meet those who are suffering. Our feeling of deep sympathy must cause us to act and to do something to alleviate their pain, no matter how small the deed would be.

This, I realized, was what Jesus did during His ministry. Jesus gave us the example to follow: we are called to become like Him for others, to show His mercy and love; to be His hands and feet to those in need. Compassion must move us to take action and ease the sorrow of those who are broken and hurting. 

Before and After pictures: Our Lady of Guadalupe Parish
in Brgy. Abucay, Tacloban City
(One of the parishes adopted by the Diocese of Cubao)

As we share our time, treasure and talent in the rehabilitation of the towns ravaged by Yolanda, let us also always remember to pray for those who perished, and those they have left behind.

Let us pray with the families affected by the supertyphoon: Most Loving Father, One year ago, the fury of Typhoon Yolanda made us experience darkness and the pain of losing everything; it made us understand the meaning of despair. But in the midst of all these, You never have forsaken us. In the most special way, You gifted us courage and strength to rise again. In the most loving way, You shielded us with mercy and compassion. And You accomplished miracles through those who came to our aid. And as we remember that day today, we thank You for the gift of faith, hope and love. We thank You for bringing us closer to You. We thank You for letting us live another day. Spare our nation from the wrath of nature, as we find ways to care for Your Creation.

Glory to the Father, to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen.