The Road Less Traveled By

"Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to, do you know? Do you get what you're hoping for, when you look behind you there's no open door? What are you hoping for? Do you know?

This song was the last I heard before I got off my stop on my commute going home today. It has ear-wormed its way into my head. Usually I would get annoyed when a song, especially one that I do not particularly like, gets stuck in my mind for a while. But this one reminded me of a pivotal moment in my life which made me choose a different road, instead of the original I had planned to take. (I wrote about that life-changing experience here.)

I believe that in God's great design of the entire Creation, He has made each person for a specific purpose ~ a mission that only that individual, and no one else, can accomplish.  

As a little girl, I remember learning in catechism classes that my choices must be aligned with God's will. I also learned to pray, "Dear Lord, may Your will be done in my life!" I did not understand the seriousness and depth of those words then, but I prayed them anyway. Another vivid memory I have was wondering if the heavens would open, and God's thundering voice shall be audibly heard speaking to me so that I will know just what to do. 

But it does not happen that way. How then do we know where God wants us to go? How do we know what the will of God is in our lives?


Spend Time to have a Prayerful Discernment

The Catechism for Filipino Catholics says, "To discern God's action in our daily lives demands a spiritual sensitivity that comes only from authentic Christian prayer and worship. This means that our personal prayer is grounded in God's revelation in Scripture and the Church's living Tradition. Only then are we sure to worship 'in Spirit and in Truth.'" 

In one retreat I attended a few years ago, I learned that discernment involves making a decision that gives utmost priority to the will of God in our lives. It is not simply choosing between two or more options. It is going for the best out of other good choices. 

Saint Ignatius of Loyola, in his Spiritual Exercises said, "Our only desire and our one choice should be this: I want and I choose what better leads to God's deepening His life in me."

We are all hard-wired to have the ardor to seek for God, after all we are created after His own image. But our longing for God must move us to make the conscious decision to open our hearts to Him, and listen to His voice. He will not impose; He respects our free will, a gift which He has given to mankind. 

"The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for." (CCC § 27)

If we allow to have enough time for prayer daily, I believe that our omnipresent God, in His infinite goodness and love, will speak directly to each of us. Perhaps not in the same way that He spoke to the prophets of old, but the Lord who knows our thoughts and our hearts, definitely also knows best how to speak with us in the events of our daily lives, if we allow ourselves to be receptive to Him.

Another thing I did which helped me in my discernment is finding the time to attend recollections, and retreats. The solitude helped me in having heart-to-heart talks with God. Even now, I still attend talks and symposiums that deepen my understanding of the Faith. I have also been very choosy with the books I read now. I used to just leaf-through any book I get a hold on, no matter what it is about, all because of sheer curiosity. It was difficult at first, but these days I hunger for books that help enrich my Faith. A book that has become a favorite of mine is The Story of a Soul by Saint Therese of Lisieux. The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis, and The Dialogue of Saint Catherine of Siena, are helpful books, too.

Be Not Afraid to Tell God Your Fears

Everything starts with small beginnings. But we have to take that first step, and do it with courage. I started mine by voicing to God what I was so afraid of. I told Him I knew what I wanted in my life but was unsure if it was for my best. I told Him all my dreams, and even consulted Him that these dreams were not what the people around me wanted for me; and that I sometimes felt caught in a dilemma between obeying them and doing what I want for my own life. I told Him I am too sinful, felt inadequate, and so unworthy. Initially I was hesitant to tell Him everything, including all my fears, my disappointments, what I most desire, and exactly what I was expecting from Him. Yes, I have been this open to telling God what I truly feel. With prayer, I eventually felt at ease telling Him what's in my heart. He knows everything anyway.

In a prayerful relationship with God, we are able to allow Him to speak to us through His Word, the Holy Bible. Reading about the lives of the saints, and other holy men and women, have helped me, too. He also uses the ordinary events of our lives to inspire us, and even sends people whose lives may stir in us a desire to serve Him concretely, or in a particular way, in His Church. More often than not, God uses the wisdom of other people to speak to us.

One such saint who has inspired me is Saint John Paul II. Having seen him up close at the World Youth Day in Manila, hearing him speak, and reading some of his works, has influenced me greatly. He often told the youth, "Be not afraid!"

"Ask yourselves, young people, about the love of Christ. Acknowledge His voice resounding in the temple of your heart. Return His bright and penetrating glance which opens the paths of your life to the horizons of the Church's mission. It is a taxing mission, today more than ever to teach men the truth about themselves, about their end, their destiny, and to show faithful souls the unspeakable riches of the love of Christ. Do not be afraid of the radicalness of His demands, because Jesus, who loved us first, is prepared to give Himself to you, as well as asking of you. If He asks much of you, it is because He knows you can give much." ~Saint John Paul II, The Meaning of Vocation.

In my Faith journey, one of the things that deeply took root in my soul, and which has been a source of great help and consolation, is my love and devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. When I am afraid, I run to Her. When I am confused, I beg Her to consult Her Son Jesus on my behalf. When I am in desperate need of something, I plead with Her to God to answer my prayers.

We have Mother Mary as our role model of humble surrender and total obedience to the will of God.  (Luke 1:26-38). Through her good counsel and powerful intercession, I believe that the answers to our prayers are expedited.  (John 2:1-12) That is of course, if it is in line with the will of God. But I am confident in Her guidance and love for me, and for all of us her children. "She is more Mother than Queen", said Saint Therese. And she truly is! 


Taking the Leap of Faith

What happens after we hear God speaking to us, and we are made to realize what He wants done through us? 

We ought to obey. We take a leap of faith.

I reached a crossroads in my life when I knew what I wanted in my life, and at the same time what God wanted for me. They were not exactly the same. 

I worked for an airline company for almost a decade. Then my job after that was with an IT company which provided travel software and technology solutions for the global travel industry. It paid well, and it had awesome perks. All those years, God had been gracious in helping me balance my rather hectic schedule. I served in parish ministries. I did a lot of volunteer work both in Church, and with socio-civic organizations. I traveled once or twice a year, sometimes even more, both here and abroad. It was not exactly a glamorous life, but I enjoyed God's countless blessings.

And then He called me. He spoke to me, from His heart to mine, and told me what He wanted me to be. I struggled. I doubted. I questioned Him several times. I laid all my uncertainties before Him. He was magnanimous and patient with me, as always. He gave me time. Finally, when I said yes, I knew even within myself that I was ready. He has made me firm in the Faith. 

The Lord, through Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint Catherine of Siena, Saint Rose of Lima, among several other saints, has called me to be a Lay Dominican. So I decided to leave the corporate world, and chose to be a full time pastoral worker in Church.  It does not give me the same perquisites like my previous jobs, but it definitely gives me blessings beyond my expectations.


Reaffirmations and Reassurances

During the apostolic visit of Pope Francis in the Philippines last January 15-19, 2015, I have been so blessed to serve as a volunteer for the official Papal Visit PH media team. I was even chosen to be among those who flew to Tacloban during the pope's Mass there. And being with the youth ministry of the diocese, I was also among those present to listen to Lolo Kiko's message at the University of Santo Tomas.

The pope's message struck to the core, and I would not be shy in admitting that I was in tears upon hearing his words.

"Real love leads you to spend yourselves in love, to leave your pockets open and empty. Saint Francis died with his pockets empty, but with a very full heart. This isn't easy to understand: To learn how to beg. To learn how to receive with humility. To learn to be evangelized by the poor, those that we help, those infirm, orphans; they have so much to offer us... Do you know that you, too, are poor? Do you know your poverty and the need that you receive? Do you let yourselves be evangelized by those you serve? Let them give to you? And this is what helps you mature in your commitment to give to others, to learn how to offer out your hand, from your very own poverty..."

For Each Tree is Known By Its Own Fruit (Luke 6:44)

Discernment is a life-long process. Having already said yes to God does not mean I should stop regularly asking Him what to do, and where to go next. I don't want to sound too self-righteous, but it is important to also be aware if my decision to follow Him has borne good fruits. (Fruits, which I learned, do not necessarily mean something I would pick out for myself; but things that others would benefit most from.) 

I am God's "work in progress." I actually believe He needs to do major overhauls with me. But He teaches me loving-patience. (I still am sometimes too hard on myself!). The Lord has been infinitely patient and merciful to me. I ought to learn from my Greatest Master and Friend. 

My life with Christ has truly been a wonderful adventure, far greater than what I expected and wanted it to be. The world may find me foolish for leaving the world that promises me success, power and money, and for taking instead the radical path of service and love like what my Radical Master Jesus did; but I have no regrets. I am happy that I am perfectly where God wants me to be. 

          "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- 
               I took the one less traveled by,
              And that has made all the difference."

                                                    

"Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum"

I love to quote Saint John Paul II when he said that "In the designs of Providence, there are no mere coincidences."

Just recently, I met a religious sister who told me to always remember my first yes to God, as I will find in it the resolve and the strength to persevere in fighting the good fight till the very end, especially in times of trials and struggles.

God has required my "yeses" so many times. At first I would resist a bit, but then I could not just find it in my heart to say no to Him.

The most pivotal of all those yeses happened more than two years ago. I spent Holy Week for the first time in the United States and spent Good Friday in Chicago. I sorely missed the Philippines then, because here, I get to observe the holy in the Semana Santa where we have the Pabasa, the Visita Iglesia, among other pious practices that we have.

I had to do with whatever service the Church in the US had. Good Friday is not even a holiday there. I ached knowing that if one day God will allow me to live there, I will not be having days of observance of the Church's holiest days. 

On that Good Friday in 2012, I was at the Holy Name Cathedral of Chicago, and contemplated on the Passion and Death of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. In the middle of the Liturgy and before the Veneration of the Cross, I heard the Spirit of God whisper to my heart, "I love you and Am able to give all that you ask. Are you willing to follow Me and carry the cross I shall give you?"

I had many fears and was aware of my own weaknesses. But I answered, "Yes, Lord, here i am. i will follow You."

Inside my head He showed me all that I have been praying for and all that He can give me. I knew that He shall be giving them to me in His time and not in mine.

Our omnipresent God whispered again, "I love you my child. You know that with Me all things are possible, and that even in the blink of an eye, I can give you all that you pray for and desire. But are you willing to wait for My perfect time? Do you trust Me fully? Are you willing to offer sacrifices, carry your cross and suffer for the salvation of others, while you await the fulfillment of My promises to you?"

How do you answer when the Lord asks you these questions?

With resignation in my heart and tears in my eyes, i answered, "Yes Lord, here i am. Make my heart meek and humble. Make my heart like unto Thine."

In my mind I saw women silently crying and being pushed by their circumstances to commit abortion. I saw children being forced to work while their parents neglect them. I saw young people succumb in immorality, vices and addiction. I couldn't help but cry. And I knew God wanted me to cooperate with His will and be one of His instruments to help allay fear and pain in the world.

It was overwhelming. I knew it entailed responsibility and the offering of my entire self. I shook in fear and uncertainty. I felt so unworthy to be called. I felt I was too shattered myself I cannot do much for those who are also suffering.

Finally, the Lord once again reassured me, "I love you, and I can do everything for you and give you that which you most desire..." At that point, I cried uncontrollably. I have this litany of prayers I have been begging the Lord to give me. But serving in Church ministries for a long time, I knew about patiently waiting for God's kairos. The Lord went on to ask me, "Are you willing to wait, carry your cross, commit your life to Me, and trust in My perfect will?"

In my heart of hearts, I borrowed my Sweetest Mother and Queen's reply, "Ecce ancilla Domini. Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum." Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to Thy Word.

I look back today to that fateful day of my yes to God. I look back with happiness and tears of joy where it has taken me in my Faith journey.

Pope Francis reminds me, and all of us, that we are His people on a journey. "When we set out on a journey, when we are on a path, we always discover new things, things which we did not know... Life is a journey toward the fullness of Jesus Christ."

"God is a God of surprises..." (Pope Francis)

There is peace in obedience to the will of God. There is joy in pain (pain of waiting most especially!) But God surprises me with His goodness and mercy! He is never outdone in His generosity and love for me... 

Oh what a journey it has been!

La Naval de Manila 2014 : Reflections

Mary said to the angel, "How can this be..." 
"For nothing will be impossible with God," the archangel Gabriel said.
Mother Mary replied, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”

I have read and heard this part of the account of the Annunciation by Saint Luke countless times, and yet today when it was read during the Mass celebrating the feast of Our Lady of La Naval de Manila, my eyes swelled with tears. God, through Mother Mary, never stops reassuring me that He causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him. 

The La Naval Grand Procession earlier. 
Photo © http://www.mb.com.ph/

How can this be? Many times in my life, I would ask God this question. And it is often followed by "Why" and "How much longer, Lord?" 

Knowing God's will in our lives does not come easy; it had not been with me. I had to rethink my priorities. I had to leave my comfort zone and do my best not to look back with regret. I had to relearn a day at a time to be trusting and to be thankful. It is easier to say we trust God, but do we really? I say that all the time, too. To have deep faith and total trust in Him is all grace. I still falter every now and then, but I am thankful God has taken my hand and He walks with me every step of the way. In all honesty, it has taken almost my entire lifetime before I understood what God has called me to do. And I am grateful that God gave me an abundance of courage, strength and the grace of obedience to be able to give Him my yes.

The grand procession
Photo credits: Marc Henrich Go

But it had been very simple with the Blessed Virgin Mary. When she asked, "How can this be?", she was not even for an ounce doubting Saint Gabriel's astonishing news. She looked at her situation: a virgin betrothed to Saint Joseph who had to stay chaste until her marriage, but was told that she would conceive and give birth to the Son of God. When told of God's wonderful plans, her response was one of unwavering faith and total abandonment to the will of the Almighty Father. Reflecting on her words now, I realized she was merely revealing the plight of humankind: that without God, the impossible shall remain just that, impossible.  

Often I would feel constricted and can only do so much in this world where I live. Many times I'd feel so discouraged and unworthy, and the feeling worsens when the very people I expect would support me are the very ones who push me down. Oh my hope that is in Christ alone! Without God, I am definitely going to lose my sanity and won't stand a chance of surviving in this valley of tears.

But today Saint Gabriel reminded me, "For nothing will be impossible with God!" I prayed as I took in every single word, as if the archangel were actually telling them to me, and asked for the grace to believe him with the same faith as Mother Mary had. 

God constantly reassures me of His unconditional, unfathomable love. He has been merciful and his generosity is definitely unrivaled! He has shown me many miracles, both small and grand. My very life and existence is  a miracle! But the past few months felt like living in the dark nights of the soul. I see the Holy Spirit always at work in my life, but I struggled to keep the faith and to believe that God shall work exceedingly beyond my expectations. 

Photo credits: Mao Almadrones 

How can it be? It is so much easier to stop believing that what God has promised me shall ever come to pass. But I choose to surrender to the will of God and let His hands work in my life. He promised to surprise me with the very best anyway! Thank God for the gift of wisdom that made me see from His point of view!

For as long as I am living, my life shall have its challenges. I will still have to face the uncertainties of every tomorrow. But when push comes to shove, I am confident that I shall never be alone. Jesus gave me His Mother to be my Sweetest Mother, too ~ she who knows my every smile and sigh, all my wishes and dreams. She goes to her Son on my behalf even before I ask her, like she did at the Wedding at Cana.

I suddenly recalled a conversation I had with one of my English professors in university who told me that he prays I become what the Madonna and Her Child want me to be. And I also remembered a story I was told that at the very last moment, my father named me Madonna instead of another name he and my mother wanted for me.

In God's grand plans, there are no coincidences! As I knelt in prayer before the holy image of Our Lady of the Rosary, La Naval de Manila, I asked the Lord Jesus to grant me the grace to be deserving of the name of His mother. I prayed for the grace to be able to always tell God, "Ecce ancilla Domini; Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum." Behold the handmaid of the Lord, may it be done to me according to your word!

Answering the Call : Reflecting on the Life of Saint Francis of Assisi

O Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love with all my soul... 

"Happy those who endure in peace,
for by You, Most High, they will be crowned."
(From Canticle of the Sun by Saint Francis)

These words from the song Make Me A Channel of Your Peace has been erroneously attributed to the founder of the mendicant religious order, Ordo Fratrum Minorum. It has been known as the Prayer of Saint Francis even though it could not be traced back to him. 

I learned the song by heart when I was about twelve. My parents sent me to an all-girls Catholic school run by the Franciscan Sisters of the Immaculate Conception. If I had it my way, I would have wanted to study in another school run by the Dominicans. But because all things are not mere coincidences in the designs of Divine Providence, I am now grateful for the influence Saint Francis has had in my life, in ways I have not noticed then but now have realized.

Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone, nicknamed Francesco by his father, was born in 1181/1182, in Assisi. I remember his story because of the movie Brother Sun and Sister Moon. He was boisterous, arrogant and spoiled, what with his father Pietro being a wealthy silk merchant, and his mother Pica de Bourlemont, a noblewoman from Provence. 

Basilica Papale di San Francesco d"Assisi

Prior to his conversion, Saint Francis was described as gallant and handsome. He was one who delighted in the pleasures of this world; he sang merrily, he was showy and loved fine clothes. 

He had a vision which made him lose his taste for earthly life when he went to war in 1204. When he returned to Assisi, while praying inside the forsaken San Damiano, he heard a voice telling him "Go, Francis, and repair my house, which you see is falling into ruin."  Taking this literally, he sold some colored cloth from his father's shop, and gave it to the priest of the ruined church.

Highly incensed and indignant, his father Pietro beat, bound and locked Francis in a dark closet to change his mind. He was even beaten and humiliated in the presence of the Biship of Assisi and the population. At that point, Saint Francis stripped off the clothes he was wearing, renounced  his worldly possessions and his noble family name Bernardone, saying to his father, "I have called you my father on earth; henceforth I desire to say only 'Our Father who art in Heaven.'"  He left Assisi naked and lived an ascetic simple life as a man of God.

A scene from the movie Brother Sun, Sister Moon

I remember a scene from Brother Sun and Sister Moon where Saint Francis said that if the purpose of life is filling our days with loveless toil, then it is not for him. The words struck me then, but I did not realize a seed was planted in my heart. 

In Saint Francis, we find someone who loves God above all else. He wholeheartedly gave his yes to Jesus when He called him. He was a Christian witness to the core, in his words and his very life. He lived the words of the Gospels to the letter, to the point of living in extreme poverty, in almost severe personal mortifications, and austerity, trusting solely in God's providence. In our materialistic world now, Saint Francis is radical and crazy. He was crazy ~ for love of God! 

An image of Saint Francis inside the adobe structure of

Misión San Francisco de Asís (Mission Dolores) in San Francisco, CA

I did not have the same privileged life as Saint Francis did, but I was never deprived. My parents provided well for me and my siblings. As a child, I enjoyed good toys, pretty dresses and shoes, and lived comfortably. But I was also taught to share. Charity, and compassion for others, truly begin at home. 

In school I was instilled to have compassion for the poor. At a young age, I remember going to immersion trips, staying with families of farmers, eating what they had, sleeping where they slept, helping out even in chores. Little did I know that those experiences left a mark in my soul.  

A mosaic of Saint Francis in the Padre Pio Pilgrimage Church
in San Giovanni Rotondo

Looking back, I am grateful for the Franciscan sisters who taught me to think of others, especially the underprivileged, and to take active participation in helping alleviate their sufferings. It does not have to be grand acts of kindness. Small ones done with great love would suffice. 

"Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me." (St. Matthew 25:40)

A statue and relic of Saint Francis
at Saint Peter's Church in downtown Chicago

Saint Francis has been instrumental in my discernment process, and eventually in my decision to also say yes to God when he called me. I have to say it had not been an easy decision to leave my comfort zone and devote myself to the cause of sharing the Gospels. I have a long way to go; my journey has actually just begun. But I am thankful that Saint Francis prays for me.

In this humble man from Assisi, I have also learned to see God in everything; and to see with child-like wonder the entire Creation. He has given us all an example to follow as stewards of everything that God created. 

In the Canticle of the Sun, he wrote, "Most high, all-powerful, all good, Lord! All praise is yours, all glory, all honour And all blessing." Through the intercession of Saint Francis, may we all be able to live the Gospels in our lives.