True Love: On Waiting, Keeping It Real, and Everything in Between

Never stop dreaming.

"Do not lose the ability to dream... If you lose the capacity to dream, then you lose the capacity to love...

What is the most important subject you have to learn in life? To learn how to love; and this is the challenge that life offers you: To learn how to love..." 

These quotations from Pope Francis' messages when he visited the Philippines last January 15-19 this year, keep playing in my head like a song that I cannot shake off. Lolo Kiko's words remind me of what one of my granduncles told me who I visited when I recently went to my parents' hometown. 

My Lolo told me, in an almost poetic recitation: "Ang bayabas na lunot, matakpan man ng mga dahon, matutuklasan pa din ng ibong masigasig sa kanyang paghahanap." (I'd roughly translate it as : An overripe guava, though covered by leaves, shall be discovered by a persevering bird). 

I shared a good laugh with my Lolo. I laughed that he likened me to a ripened (or overripe) fruit. But in between our shared giggles, he has been very reassuring. Being often bombarded with the question "So, when will the wedding bells finally ring for you?", my Lolo has put things in perspective for me. I have to admit that he seems to be more hopeful for me than I am for myself. He has been consistent in telling me that I am going to be married to a... well, I'd leave those details as our little secret. (Heaven knows anyway, and that's what matters!) He accurately describes what I have always been consistently praying for. Of all the people who often asks me "when" it is finally going to be, I do not actually mind it if it is coming from this said grand uncle. Because he also always tells me that I should not rush what the Lord's plans are for me. He constantly reminds me that all things shall work out perfectly according to God's will. My Lolo always tells me whenever I get the chance to chat with him that I should never stop dreaming and hoping, because God shall grant the desires of my heart in His perfect time. 

It is always encouraging talking to him, instead of listening to people telling me that I am not getting any younger, that my biological clock is ticking, that it's terrible and sad to grow old alone, and so on and so forth. 

Not that I feel old and miserable. Some seem to have the notion that just because I am single, I am lonely and sulky. Others even have this ridiculous conclusion that I am so desperate to find a husband soon that I will do anything and everything to be able to change my title from Ms. to Mrs. Well, there goes my so called friends. Those who truly know me inside and out, and who unconditionally love me, know what I want, know that I will not stupidly (forgive my French) rush things, and that I will never compromise my values, especially my Faith.

I'd like to blame it on February. It is still the love month, after all. I have been lovingly, if not annoyingly, barraged again with the "marriage question" by concerned friends and relatives who seem to have no one else to ask but me. By this time actually, I already know those who are truly concerned and those who are about to give scornful utterances and start derisive heckling. I have learned to avoid the latter. 

So what can a single-Catholic woman do until Pure, True Love comes to find her?

Plenty. There's actually so much to do; personally I sometimes feel I need more than 24 hours in a day to do all of them.

Wanderlust has got me: Lisieux, Lourdes, London, Paris, Rome,
Chicago, Sydney, and the Vatican City are definitely places I will return to.

Discover Something New, and Do What You're Passionate About

Who said I am lonely again? Far from being discouraged that I have yet to be the wife of Mr. Loving-and-Tech-Savvy-Able-To-Take-Care-of-Me (who my Lolo always says has been born already, is somewhere in the other part of the world, but still needs a little bit more convincing  from God and our Lady that I actually exist), I am actually enjoying the time of my life now. One of the things that I enjoy doing as a single woman is travelling. Fifteen years ago, I wrote something about wanting to see the world. I have not actually been to all the seven continents yet, but I have taken the steps to do that. There are activities I wanted to do, and places I once dreamt of visiting, that I already crossed out from my bucket list. I have gotten out of my comfort zone, have conquered my fears, and have surpassed expectations of myself. Apart from the adventure and learning about other cultures, I discover the world in a way that I know I will not learn inside a classroom. Going places has opened my eyes, and has helped me develop skills I did not know I had. 

A recent awesome blessing: being a volunteer 
News writer/Blogger for the official 
Church Media team for the #PapalVisitPH

Besides being constantly bitten by the travel bug, I have also focused my time on what I am passionate about. I have always loved to be involved in the community, especially in Church ministries. In one of the boldest decisions I have had to make, (which may have turned me into a big fool in the eyes of others), I left the corporate world and am now a full time youth-pastoral worker in our diocese. It may not be as financially rewarding, but I have no regrets. Nothing compares to the joy I have in God whom I serve.

I love to volunteer. The very first time I actually did was way back in 5th grade. I assisted in a SPED class. I also volunteered then in a youth group in our neighborhood. Through the years, volunteering has always kept me busy, and in a good way. Thinking about it now, volunteering has helped increase my self-confidence. It gives me a natural sense of accomplishment. I think it may be one of the reasons I don't feel depressed. Being in regular contact with others, and exposing myself to people with common interests, has helped broaden my support network, and has definitely gained me new friends. And I think it has also helped me develop my social skills. (I remember being shy as a little girl!) Volunteering is my kind of a relaxing, energizing escape from the daily routine of work. It renews my motivation, even my creativity. Personally, I think helping others kindles happiness. 

I am Pro-Life to the core. (I have shared my story here, and shared some insights here.) If I could fix my schedule, I do my best to take part in pro-Life projects. One such activity was held last February 14th. I joined friends from other pro-Life movements in their campaign to counter the free-condom-giving activity of RH Bill supporters who endorse safe sex but not genuine love. 

Volunteers from MYA Cubao,
and recipients of the candy-giving activity

Pro-Lifers went around Manila, particularly in the University Belt, to promote pure Love, and the beautiful virtue of chastity. The theme of the activity was #WeKeepLoveReal. I have sought the help of volunteers from the Ministry of Youth Affairs of the Diocese of Cubao to participate in the "Stay-Pure" candy-giving. Repacking the candies was easy; but giving them away was a challenge. Some were reluctant to receive them even if the candies were free. Others gave a cold look of what seemed disbelief. There were even those who rejected the sweet treats. Some needed a few explanations as to why we were doing what we're doing before they accepted the pack of candies. While there were those who willingly and thankfully accepted them without any questions. 

One of the Cubao youth volunteers, in reflecting about the whole experience, said that the activity was like the search for one's true love. You get ignored, doubted, rejected, even brokenhearted several times, before the love God meant you to have comes along. And when it comes, it could only be the very best, and well, the sweetest that one could ever imagine. 

Perhaps you, too, have dreams you want to fulfill, or places you want to visit, or causes close to your heart that you want to get involved in. Be courageous and start ticking them off your list now while you haven't yet tied the knot!


Get to Know God More. Do Radical, Time-Consuming Things to Spread the Joy of the Gospel.

Yes, be a radical, and satisfied single person. 

Jesus' love for us is a radical kind~ a love that's unconditional, frees us from the bondage of sin and death, and brings back our dignities as children of God. To be radical means to go back to the basics, to what is truly essential; and to be in a real relationship with God and not with the world. Being radical means getting rid of our greed, self-righteousness, complacency, compromise, and relativism.

Being single actually has its own dangers. (Especially in unwanted singleness). Satan is after all of us, but I think the devil loves to taunt single people because it is an opportunity for him to discourage and deceive those like us who are single and are serving God and the Church.  One temptation of being single is living one's life according to one's desires. And I mean doing everything that the world tells us will give us satisfaction and happiness. Another temptation is to believe that marriage will meet our needs and solve our problems. It is not always true, as we may have heard from our married friends and family who seem to regret jumping into marriage unprepared. (Check out Saint Paul's advice on 1 Corinthians 7:1-11). 

I have to mention that discernment is vital in order to radically follow Jesus. We have to be willing to follow in His footsteps, because He will never force us into doing something that is against our will. That's just how much God loves us. He respects our decisions, and patiently waits for us to obey Him.

Speaking of discernment, I have come across people who seem to be afraid of doing it. There is the notion that once you discern, "search-in" particularly, you will end up in a convent or seminary. That is not always the case. Some are indeed called into the religious life. Most, into married life to have a family, while others, to be in the state of single-blessedness.  

Another radical thing I did in my life, besides leaving my high-paying job, was taking my Faith experience to the next level. I have been serving God and His people since my teenage years. (I have to mention that I am thankful to my mom for praying for my siblings and I to become active in Church. And for being very supportive, too.)  After several months of discerning, I have joined the Third Order of Saint Dominic, or the Lay Dominicans, under the Our Lady of La Naval Chapter in Santo Domingo Parish. It's been a year already; I need several years more before I become perpetually professed. It was not an easy decision. I wrestled with God, figuratively, about it. I struggled because of the knowledge of my own weaknesses, my fears, vulnerabilities, relentless pain, and exhaustion. And plus I had many other plans that I wanted accomplished! But He had a way with me. With the mercy of God, I eventually confronted those feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, failures, and everything that hurt me, my sins included. Only after I ceased struggling did I realize that I really cannot live life without God; I need Him so that I may receive the power of true conversion and transformation, the grace to be able to totally abandon myself to His will, and the gift to have endurance, faith, and courage.

Part of that long discernment process was knowing that God intended me for marriage. I have stopped asking Him when it is actually going to happen. I only know with certainty that it shall be as He wants it, in His kairos, and not according to my own timeline.

Even in our sinfulness, God our Father will only give the very best to His faithful children. I was told that if I could do all means possible to get to know a person I wish to be married to, why not double the effort as well in getting to know He who has planted all these wonderful dreams in my heart? 

So while I wait, I believe that it is important to spend time to satisfy one's soul, and to first learn what true love really is from Him who is Love Himself. We love because God loved us first. Only when we really know what Love, and what He intended the holy sacrament of matrimony to be, can it be possible to have a loving marital relationship.


Become the Spouse You Want to Marry

It is easier said than done, but I do my best to use my time being single as an opportunity to become the kind of person I would want to marry. It is a good time to assess my strengths and weaknesses, and to take active steps so that I can improve myself. It is also a great time to nurture the gifts God has blessed me with. 

Part of the waiting period is staying chaste. Some people mockingly tell me that I am missing out a lot in life because I am still a virgin. People have different views about their sexuality. I value mine the way my Father in heaven values me; He is my King and therefore I am His princess. I won't settle for anyone less than who He has specially prepared for me. Waiting till marriage for sex does not mean I will put my life on hold. As I have said, there are many beneficial things to do that can help make a better version of myself, as well as not endanger my soul. 

The only time I will have a sexual relationship is when I and my future husband have first brought God into it through the sacrament of holy matrimony. I will not have anything less. I believe that that is the only way copulation will bring true, lasting joy in a man-woman relationship. I remember reading from a book long ago that sex should be free, total, faithful, and fruitful. I want that! My husband and I shall give ourselves freely to each other, unselfishly, unconditionally, without coercion nor price tag. We shall give of ourselves completely to each other, holding nothing back. We shall be loyal and true to each other, and shall only have each other as long as we both live. And of course, we shall both be open to life, and will not do anything to render the act infertile. 

Volunteering, and Keeping Love Real by
Spreading the Joy and Love of God to everyone.

I know I need to be realistic, too. I may be a virgin still, but I cannot really expect the same thing for my future husband. (I hope I am wrong that virgin men are rare these days!) I am not perfect myself. So I am leaving a big room in my heart to love him by accepting that he, too, like me, has weaknesses and shortcomings.  I am pretty sure my love for him shall be stronger that I shall look past his mistakes. 

The goal is to become a woman after God's own heart; and it involves not just my own might, but more the mercy and grace of God which makes the impossible possible. It is my prayer , too, that my future husband shall be one who is also passionate about following Jesus, and desires to be a man after His Heart as well.

I may sound too idealistic, but as God's daughter, I just cannot compromise my values. The ultimate dream (and blessing) is to have a marriage that has a Christ-centered intimacy. I want a marriage that is modeled on Trinitarian Love.  Jesus has shown us that real love is pure, and is willing to lay down one's life for the beloved. That's the kind of love I want to share with my future husband. Ultimately, I want a marriage that will make saints of our future children, and one that shall bring us all to heaven. 

Ask God great things. What else could He not give; He gave us His only Begotten Son! God who is our Loving Father is able to do far more abundantly (and infinitely) beyond all that we ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)


Set the World on Fire.

One of the many Saints who has been instrumental in my discernment was Saint Catherine of Siena. (I later learned that she is the patroness of Lay Dominicans!) Her advice during her time still applies to us all even now: "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." 

I believe that true love waits. (Originally, it means sexual abstinence outside of marriage). For me, it also means patiently waiting for the one true love that God has specially prepared just for me. While I wait for him, I shall do what I ought to do ~ according to what God has created me for:  to be His hands, His feet, even His voice, so that the world may know that His mercy and love endures forever. Borrowing from another patroness, Saint Therese of Lisieux, "my vocation is Love."

I entrust the ribbon of my life to the loving hands of my Sweetest Mother Mary, who unties all the knots in it; and to Saint Joseph, my dearest patron.

Here's to dreaming big dreams, and setting the world ablaze!

Eyes and Hearts Cleansed by Tears

Part 3 of My Reflections About My Tacloban Trip

Of all the events during the Holy Father's apostolic and state visit to the Philippines, the Holy Mass in Tacloban officiated by Pope Francis was the most moving for me. It was amazing how, even while he was delivering his homily in Spanish, his heart spoke to the hearts of all of us gathered there. The translation of course was a big help. But his words were not meant to be understood by the intellect, but of the heart.

The Catholic Faithful undeterred by the strong winds and rain.
The Faith of the Filipino people is storm-proof!

I suppose that the human mind and heart can only stand so much grief and anguish, and once we reach that limitation, the tears are necessary to help us come to terms with our losses and struggles. It takes a strong person to express one's overwhelming sorrow in tears. It takes courage to declare our unspeakable love through tears to a beloved who refuses to accept us. It takes dauntlessness to be able to cry and have our tears wash away our blindness.

The men and women present there at the papal Mass were people full of courage, faith, and hope. They were unafraid to cry and to show the world that they are still in deep pain. In showing their vulnerability, I saw very clearly that they draw their strength from and dependence on Jesus who suffers with each of us. I was a witness to their  resolutely fearless disposition, deeply rooted in their unwavering faith in God. 

I have my own battle wounds, and though some have healed, the scars remain to remind me of its lessons. Although I had my own reasons to cry before the Lord, at that moment I allowed myself to weep for my brothers and sisters all gathered there. 


Healing Tears

In a Mass held in Casa Santa Marta in 2013, Pope Francis said that, "All of us have felt joy, sadness and sorrow in our lives, but have we wept during the darkest moment? Have we had that gift of tears that prepare the eyes to look, to see the Lord? We, too, can ask the Lord for the gift of tears. It is a beautiful grace... to weep praying for everything: for what is good, for our sins, for graces, for joy itself... Weeping prepares us to see Jesus."

People moved to tears.
Photo credit: http://scjphil.org/ 

I can only imagine the pain every single person present in that papal Mass in Tacloban was carrying in his/her heart. And what great consolation it was to have the pontiff in our midst. Indeed tears help wash away whatever "dirt" we have in our eyes: our indifference, our biases, our disillusionment, all our frustrations, our fears, even our sins. "Sometimes in our lives, tears are the lenses we need to see Jesus", Pope Francis said in one of his homilies.

In my own experience, reaching the place of tears is like being set free from something that stifles and/or imprisons me. Crying helps me cope with emotional and physical suffering, helps relieve me of grief and pain, and seems to always contribute to my healing.


Becoming Wounded-Healers

As a Christian, I know for a fact that there is the joy of the resurrection after suffering and death. That is why I know that as long as I am alive, I will have to go through my Gethsemanes, carry my crosses on Calvary, and finally arrive at that glorious resurrection promised by Jesus.

In Gethsemane, we wrestle with our own will and with God's will. We struggle, we ponder, we weep, we pray, we even question God. But it is with His grace alone, not by our own might, that we are able to surrender to Him without counting the cost. It is with His mercy that we are able to abandon ourselves to Him. When we obey His perfect will, we are able to behold the intensity of His struggles, share in His sufferings, and realize the depths of His love. On Calvary, we carry our crosses, we fall, we rise again, we are stripped of our perceived securities, we are mocked, abandoned, and die to ourselves. At the resurrection, we are redeemed, made whole again, and become able to see clearly and deeply the value of our sufferings, and our very existence. We are drawn closer and deeper in Love of Him. 

A man crying during the pope's homily.
Screen-captured from a video by CTV-Vatican

Even the saints spoke of having "dark nights". But in darkness, we are purified, and we learn to trust God more. We realize that devastation can bring about hope and renewal. We get the reassurance that God will never leave us alone.

Pope Francis, in humbly saying that he did not have the perfect words of comfort for the survivors of typhoon Haiyan, pointed us to Jesus. In a world now too caught up in advancements in technology, in instant gratification, and doing things "our way", the Holy Father challenges us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of Faith. He reminded us that Jesus knows exactly what we are going through, for He also lost loved ones to death. He was also betrayed and abandoned by His friends and family. He knew loneliness and ridicule, for He endured all that while He hung on that cross. "Let us look to Christ", the pope said. "He is Lord. He understands because He underwent all the trials that we, or you, have experienced."

"Certain realities in life we only see through eyes that are cleansed with tears", Pope Francis told the youth who were at the encounter at the Royal and Pontifical University of Santo Tomas the next day. Speaking for myself, seeing Pope Francis up close was like seeing Jesus in the flesh. He is after all Christ's Vicar here on earth. Yes, I saw Jesus. Through the Holy Spirit's gift of tears, I have seen God in my heart. 

By Jesus' wounds, we have been healed. And by His example, we are called to be wounded healers ourselves to a world so immersed in injustice, oppression, and pain. We are able to journey with others in their sufferings because we are also wounded and in need of healing. We are able to become truly merciful and compassionate with others because God has shown us His infinite mercy and compassion. We are able to overcome our weaknesses, and are healed of our wounds, because of God's love; for His only begotten Son shares in our suffering. In John 16:33, Jesus assures us, "...in Me you have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." 


Carpe diem. Savoring the Faith. 

I made a list of what I must do while in Tacloban : where to go, who to interview, questions I can ask the people, places I need to take pictures of, among other things, I had plans mapped in my head. But ever since I left the corporate world and decided to dedicate my full time to pastoral work in the service of Holy Mother Church, I have learned, often serendipitously, to let God work things out for the good of all those who love Him; and especially in my life. I admittedly enjoy the way He always surprises me with His better plans and His blessings, and I look forward to more! 

I truly am blessed to have been there in Leyte to witness the way Pope Francis and the survivors of Yolanda were moved by each other's presence and declaration of solidarity and love. And I cannot help but think that perhaps, that was how Jesus had been every single time He was with the least,the lost, the last,  the most deeply wounded, the poorest of the poor. 

In Tacloban that fateful and memorable Saturday, I chose to seize the day and savor the moment of seeing the Vicar of Christ up close. Not to downplay the other events in Manila, but in my own opinion, if I am to compare the way he smiled and waved to everyone during his visit, I think he seemed happier being with the survivors of typhoon Yolanda. Ultimately, my whole experience in Leyte was not just seeing Pope Francis, but hearing Jesus' words, seeing the Lord, and feeling God's love and mercy through our Holy Father. 

I have seen the two other popes, and attended Masses celebrated by Saint John Paul II and Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, and they have all left a lasting impact on me. The Mass in Leyte with Pope Francis, I am sure, will also leave a indelible mark on my heart, soul and entire being. And I only have God to thank and glorify for this very humbling blessing He has bestowed upon me. 

Ad majorem Dei gloriam!

God Who Suffers With Us

Part 2 of My Reflections About My Tacloban Trip

The Eucharistic Celebration with Pope Francis

I have deep admiration for all the people who attended the Mass in Tacloban. I was in Luneta the following day, and I cannot help but compare how more reverent and more solemn the Eucharistic celebration was in Leyte. I was only able to reach a certain area, one of the quadrants nearest the media platform far back facing the altar, and yet as I walked around, I observed that everyone was in a prayerful mood. No one was holding up his/her cellular phone. Not one! Instead, most were clutching their rosaries. I felt embarrassed to bring my phone out to take pictures, not where everyone were so focused on what was happening in front.

There was just too much to take-in during the Mass at the airport. I tried to strike a conversation with a couple beside me who came all the way from Borongan, Samar, and had been in the area since the previous night. I wanted to ask more questions, but they seemed to be deeply moved by the mere presence of Pope Francis that they were barely able to answer me. At that point, I decided, I will also actively participate in the Eucharistic celebration. Never-mind if I don't get to interview anyone attending the papal Mass about their own experiences and reflections. Never mind if I do not get to take pictures. I thought, maybe I still have time to do that a little later. 

When the Gospel was proclaimed, I felt my heartbeat go faster, and I braced myself. I knew I could not stop my lacrimal gland from producing tears once Pope Francis delivers his words of comfort. He travelled that far just to be with those people present there. Those people were the primary reason he decided to come to the Philippines. 

Pope Francis' moving homily 
(Delivered originally in Spanish)

"We have a high priest who is capable of sympathizing with our weaknesses. But one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin. Jesus is like us. Jesus lived like us and is the same as us in every respect, except sin, because He was not a sinner. But to be more like us He assumed our condition and our sin. He made Himself unto sin. This is what Saint Paul tells us.

And Jesus always goes before us. And when we pass an experience, a cross, He passed there before us. And if today we find ourselves fourteen months afterwards here, fourteen months precisely after the typhoon Yolanda hit, it is because we have a security of knowing that we're not going to weaken in our Faith, because Jesus has been here before us. In His passion He assumed all our pain. 

I'd like to tell you something close to my heart. When I saw from Rome the catastrophe, I felt that I had to be here. And on those very days, I decided to come here. I'm here to be with you ~ a little bit late, I have to say, but I'm here." 

Panoramic shot of the people in attendance at the papal Mass
 held at the Tacloban Airport last 17 January, 2015

I tend to cry easily. More so lately, whenever I hear stories of loss and survival related to typhoon Yolanda. I have heard the harrowing stories of strangers-turned-friends who survived the super typhoon. I have seen them cry, even after more than a year. I know it's nothing compared to what the survivors of typhoon Yolanda had gone through, but I experienced how it felt to be battered by a storm, especially while in Leyte. I was in Alang-alang, about 20 minutes away from Palo, when tropical storm Seniang (Jangmi) made a landfall in late December of 2014. 

By the time Pope Francis humbly apologized for coming late, I was crying a river; good thing the rain masked my stream of tears.

There I was, in solidarity with the survivors of tyhpoon Yolanda. I cannot, even now, describe accurately what it felt to be there. The people were intrepid. They were undeterred in their resolve to attend the Mass, unworried (at least as I perceived them) by the imminent onslaught of typhoon Amang. And the pope, buffeted by the rain, was one of us, too!


Emmanuel, God with Us

"I've come to tell you that Jesus is Lord and He never lets us down. Father, you might say to me -- I was let down because I've lost so many things, my house, my livelihood... It's true, if you would say that, and I respect those sentiments. But Jesus there nailed to the cross, and from there, He does not let us down. He was consecrated as Lord on that throne, and there He experienced all calamities that we experienced. Jesus is Lord, and the Lord from the Cross is there for you. Therefore He is capable of understanding us, as we heard in the First Reading. In everything, He is the same as us. That is why we have a Lord who is capable of crying with us, capable of walking with us in the most difficult moments of life.

So many of you have lost everything. I don't know what to say to you. But the Lord does know what to say to you. Some of you have lost part of your families. All I can do is keep silence. And I walk with you all with my silent heart."

(L) The Crucifix at the altar in the Tacloban Mass;
(R) Pope Francis points to Jesus on the Cross, who suffers with all of us.

I thought, it really must be a blessing in disguise to celebrate the Mass even during that torrential rain. For sure, Pope Francis and his entourage have never experienced a battering downpour. I overheard from one among those from the media platform that it was suggested to Pope Francis to celebrate the Mass inside a chapel where he won't get wet, and it will be shown in the big LED screens outside, but he insisted to be one with the people. Under the drenching rain that made me shiver to the bones, I felt a surging warmth in my being upon hearing what I heard. Our Holy Father wanted to share in the sufferings and struggles of the people of Leyte and Samar. The presence of the Vicar of Christ in our midst was a reassurance that truly God is with us in our sufferings. 

God is with us in the tempests that batter our lives. We have all cried out to God and questioned Him why He allows suffering and pain. But Pope Francis has reminded us all that God is able to bring about good from something evil ~ Jesus Himself carried His Cross on Good Friday and brought forth victory over death on Resurrection Sunday. God the Father showed His deep love for us by sending His only Son to suffer and die that we may truly live.

"Many of you have asked the Lord, 'Why, Lord?' And to each of you, to your heart, Christ responds from His heart upon the Cross. I have no more words to tell you. Let us look to Christ. He is the Lord. He understands because He underwent all the trials that we, or you, have experienced."

Sometimes, when we are overcome with heart-wrenching pain, we cry like Jesus, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  But in the Mass, Pope Francis reminded us all that God is truly Emmanuel. From the Cross, Jesus knows our pain, our loss, our frustrations, and our disappointments. He is one of us, even in suffering and death. In embracing our heartaches and sufferings, and offering them back to Almighty God, we are able to participate in the mystery of Christ's Passion.  

Suffering, according to Saint Paul, also sanctifies us. We are "burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope." (2 Corinthians 1:11)

In my head I thought of all those people who I know have suffered so much, have lost so much, and yet have also endured and persevered in the Faith. Their strength is truly inspiring. 

Jesus gave us His Mother Mary to be our Mother too

"Please know that the love and tenderness
of  Mother Mary never lets you down."

"And beside the cross was His Mother. We are like this little child, just there. In the moments when you have so much pain, when we no longer understand anything, all we can do is grab hold of Her hand firmly and say, 'Mom', as a child does to her mother when he or she feels fear. 

It is perhaps the only word that we can say in such difficult times. 'Mother. Mum...' Let us together hold a moment of silence. Let us look to the Christ on the Cross. He understands us because He endured everything. Let us look to our Mother, and like that little child, let us grab hold of Her mantle, and with a true heart say 'Mother'... 

In silence, let us say this prayer; say to the Mother what you feel in your hearts..."

At that point, I remember bowing my head, unable to stop the tears. I allowed myself to weep. But I knew I was not alone in crying. The people in that field were crying their hearts out to God too, albeit in silence. I suddenly remembered a dream I once had, in which Mother Mary took me into Her arms, embraced me, then allowed me to sit on Her lap. 

In whispers, I prayed for the people there. I prayed for those who died, especially during the recent calamities that wreaked havoc upon our country. I prayed for my family, my relatives, and all those I love. I prayed for the sick, the lonely, the alone. I prayed for friends and strangers, and especially the nameless people who had helped me one way or the other. I thought of mothers contemplating abortion, and prayed that they would choose life instead. I thought of abandoned children and elderly men and women in the streets who have no one to look after them. I prayed for people blinded by their power and wealth that they may find in Jesus their real treasure. I prayed for those whose hearts have hardened and  have become incapable of being vulnerable to love again. There were just too many people to pray for. I allowed my tears to flow, and begged the Holy Spirit to cry out to God all those unspoken prayers I could no longer express from my heart. I offered all my pain, my fears, my uncertainties, my doubts. I offered to God all my sins. my flaws, and my weaknesses. I surrendered my heart, my soul, my entire being to my most loving and Almighty God!

"Let us know that we have Mother Mary, and our senior brother, our Great Brother Jesus. We are not alone. We also have many brothers who in this moment of catastrophe came to help you. And we too, because of this, we feel more brothers and sisters because we helped each other.

This is what comes from my heart, and forgive me if I have no other words to express this. But please know Jesus never lets you down. Please know that the love and tenderness of Mother Mary never lets you down. And holding on to Her mantle and with the power that comes from Jesus' love on the cross, let us move forward, always forward, and walk together as brothers and sisters in the Lord forward. Thank you very much."

Encountering Jesus

In a homily given by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI on Divine Mercy Sunday in 2012, he said that "Christian worship is not just a commemoration of past events, or even a particular mystical, interior experience, but essentially an encounter with the Risen Lord." He said that in the Mass, Jesus "lives in the dimension of God, beyond space and time."  Jesus is truly present among us, as "He speaks to us in Scripture and breaks for us the bread of eternal life."

Being there in Tacloban City for the Mass with the people who survived typhoon Yolanda, and to have Pope Francis with us, felt like a foretaste of heaven. In my head I saw what it would be like to be before God in His kingdom. I imagined the seven choirs of angels all around us, praising and glorifying God unceasingly. Of course, Mother Mary, Saint Joseph, and all God's holy saints will be there too. In the cold, I felt God's love and embrace. It had been days of anxiety and sleepless nights prior to the papal visit, and right there during the Mass, Jesus has embraced me and assured me of His mercy and compassion. 

God has filled my being with love, and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, has guarded my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

When God Makes A Way

Part 1 of My Reflections About My Tacloban Trip

Pope Francis' infectious smile!
Filipinos affectionately call him "Lolo Kiko"
(Grandpa Francis)
Photo credit : http://edition.cnn.com/

For several days now, I have been attempting to write about my trip to Tacloban City last January 17, 2015; a most blessed day when Pope Francis celebrated the Holy Mass with the survivors of typhoon Yolanda. It felt restrictive to have to write about a very profound experience in a limited number of words. I tried several times, but tears would flow first that I would end up not being able to organize my thoughts. I would get the mixed emotions of feeling so unworthy and yet also feeling so humbled by the fact (and blessing) that God made it possible for me to be physically there with the people of Leyte and Samar.

I was supposed to submit an article to be posted in the Diocese of Cubao's website. But I needed to stick to a 500-word piece, and not write in the first person. I tried several times, but was not making any progress. I told myself, if I am to process my experiences there, I needed to just let the thoughts and emotions flow.

My blog is the perfect avenue for that. I deemed it necessary to make my reflections in three parts, because even I get too overwhelmed. This is the first of three.

God called, I answered.

When I volunteered as a writer six months ago with the official #PapalVisitPH media team under the CBCP, all I wanted was to be able to use this talent that God gave me and use it for His greater glory. I do not have Journalism credentials to boast of. I do not have an exemplary writing style, nor do I have an extensive vocabulary. During the course of the preparations, I would often feel out of place when attending meetings, and so I silently asked God several times in prayer if I heard Him correctly when He told me to go where He leads. My fellow volunteers were mostly experts in their fields ~ trained and experienced writers and bloggers, professors, veteran news anchors, editors, graphic artists, professional photographers and videographers. 

I am a nobody. It was worse because somehow, that  was how I felt I was being treated: that I am a nobody who has nothing new or good to offer; that they are more deserving than I was because they know what they are doing; they are learned and more informed, and I was not. My feeling of unworthiness almost always brought me to tears; and the Holy Spirit would be my consoler. God tirelessly reassured me that He wanted me to accomplish something for Him, that I was where He wanted me to be; and I only had to trust Him. 

Papal Visit Assignments

As early as July 2014, we were given briefings as to what we will be doing as volunteers. (Sadly, I have to admit, the mainstream media does not always give an accurate and unbiased reporting. More often than not, the media is out there like a mighty predator ready to devour the Catholic Church once they see a flaw or weakness.) The mission of the Papal Visit PH Media was to give the Church's perspective of the things and events that will unfold in the course prior to, during, and even after the pontiff's apostolic and state visit. It is the successor of Peter we are talking about after all. One builds up members of his/her family, not put them down. That's what we were set out to do: build up the members of Holy Mother Church through another Petrine encounter after 20 years.

We were assigned to do research about the venues where papal events will be held. We were told of these places earlier, so we could prepare articles about them even before they were publicly announced. The Palo Cathedral and the Pope Francis Center for the Poor were the first of my assignments.

I wondered then, would I also be assigned to go to Leyte when Pope Francis comes?

We were told that if we wanted to be in the venues to cover the events, we would have to shoulder our own expenses. In my case, since I wanted to be in Palo, I was told that I had to pay for my own plane fare. I actually was praying for the Lord to make a way for me to be able to go back to Leyte, especially when Pope Francis visits. I was thinking, I could still use my ticket allocation. (I was with PAL for several years and still have free-ticket privileges) 

There were uncertainties. As a volunteer, I could not simply decide to go anywhere I pleased, because I would have to anticipate that there would be tasks assigned to me, or places and events that I would have to cover. And being an ex-airline reservations-sales employee, I knew that I won't be prioritized at the check-in counter if I were to use my ex-airline employee privileges. I could get bumped-off. Other than that, I was not sure if my schedule at work would allow me to travel.


The Special Philippine Airlines flight

Shepherd One in Tacloban airport

Some people I know tried to book their own flights to get to Tacloban to attend the papal Mass there, and to come back to Manila that same day. Initially, I, too, made plans with my family. We have relatives in Alang-alang and Palo. But the Civil Aviation Authority of the Philippines implemented a no-fly zone in the air spaces of Manila, Tacloban and Palo, especially while the pope was travelling en route to his destination. No commercial flights were allowed to depart and arrive in Tacloban on January 17, except for the papal and government chartered flights. That being the case, we would have to go to Leyte a day or two earlier, and come back to Manila on Sunday or later. We all finally decided that we'll just have to go there another time, that way we can attend the UST and Luneta events here in Manila.

Everyone knew that Philippine Airlines would officially take the pontiff to Tacloban, his plane dubbed as Shepherd One. But no one talked about a second plane, (at least none that I knew of nor heard), of which would fly to Tacloban some media personnel, and some prelates, among them, Archbishop John F. Du of Palo, and Archbishop Jose S. Palma of Cebu. I didn't know that either, not until I was inside the plane and saw them a few seats in front of me. I could not describe the humbling experience of being chosen to be in that flight.

With Ms. Anna Cosio and Mr. Raymond Bandril
of CBCP Media/ Areopagus
during our Mnl-Tac flight

That early morning of Saturday when I went to NAIA Terminal 3 to take the PR8191 scheduled to depart at 0600H, I was without sleep; not even a wink. I had ministry duties at my diocese and didn't want to disappoint the eager youth who wanted to volunteer at the Luneta Mass and the UST events. I prayed for strength and resolve to do what I must, remembering always that in all these things, I must decrease so that the Lord may increase. Unable to finish praying my rosary because I dozed off right before the plane even taxied on the runway, still God did not fail me. God is magnanimous that way, always looking past my sinfulness and shortcomings, and always exceeding my grandest dreams. He filled my being with strength, enough to sustain me until Monday when Pope Francis left for Rome. 

Arriving at the Daniel Z. Romualdez airport around 0715H that stormy Saturday, my heart had many expectations. Who wouldn't want to be near the Vicar of Christ? I wanted to be as close as I could get to Pope Francis myself as everyone else did. I even had a picture of my nephew and niece, and of my immediate family, inside my bag pocket, accompanied by a short note for the Holy Father, ready to be given to him just in case I got the chance. But I was also constantly reminded that there was a lesson to be learned; that more than getting the chance of being near the pope, I needed to re-encounter Jesus among the faithful gathered there. 

I don't keep e-ticket printouts 
and boarding passes

of flights I took in the past. But these 

I will definitely keep and treasure!

When I was told that I was chosen to be among those who will be officially sent to Palo as a volunteer writer, the news did not sink in right away. It did not sink in, not until I was actually there at the airport attending the Eucharistic celebration, in my own yellow slicker given by a volunteer, amongst the sea of people, mostly survivors of Haiyan. (Thank God for my very generous benefactor who even travelled with us!)

It felt surreal being there, being truly one with the people, drenched in bitter cold rain, struggling to stay upright during the Mass as blistering winds hit me like someone was shoving me from all sides. The gusts would momentarily disrupt the audio of the broadcast. From where I was, there were parts of the Mass that I could no longer hear because the 80 mph sustained winds of typhoon Amang (Mekkhala) howled louder than the sound coming from the speakers. 


God Sends His Angels

Several days prior to our flight, I got in touch with one of the monsignors who was a member of the committee for the Leyte papal events, to assist us in getting a car pass. Our team from the Diocese of Cubao Media and Communications ministry would be there, too. I was told we would be getting our car passes. But when we arrived in Tacloban, due to unforeseen circumstances, the driver of our rented van couldn't come pick us up. The van had to be parked a good distance from the airport. I was able to get in touch with the priest with whom I will be getting the car passes from, but then security did not allow me to leave the airport premises not until the pope was in the area where he will be celebrating Mass. 

Prayer was my only recourse. I asked God to send people who will help us. Again, God did not disappoint. I whispered a prayer of thanksgiving for His providence.


The God of Surprises

Being there with the survivors of typhoon Yolanda... to have the Holy Father in solidarity with all of us...  to be buffeted by strong winds alongside them... to cry with them during the Eucharistic celebration... I cannot actually find the perfect words to describe what I felt. But one thing I was very sure of: it was not an accident that I was there. God ordained it beforehand that I be on that very spot where I was, to re-encounter Him. It almost felt like being in two places at the same time: be physically standing there drenched in the rain, and basking in the warmth of God's love in His heavenly courts. I felt God embracing me. I felt Mother Mary there with me. 

I was overcome with joy because of God's unfailing love for me and for all of us; for He has seen our troubles and He cared about the anguish of our souls. (Ps 31:7) And Pope Francis was there to make God's love known!

And then it finally sank that that was where God wanted me to be at that very moment. He made things possible for me when things seemed impossible. In my life, the Good Lord has always surprised me with the most wondrous gifts. He has brought me to places beyond my imagination. He has always protected me, has been blessing me exceedingly, and has been enlarging my territory. (1 Chr 4:10). Being in Tacloban that blessed day, God has once again done far more abundantly for me, beyond what I asked for in prayer!

All glory, honor, and praise be unto Almighty God alone!

The Silent Gaze of Mercy

It was a wonderful morning a few days before Christmas. My coworkers decided to go to Tagaytay City to check on retreat houses that our diocesan catechists may stay-in for a retreat in 2015. They invited me to tag along. After weeks of working late, I welcomed the short getaway; I could use some fresh air. 

Maryridge Retreat House
of the Good Shepherd Sisters

As I waited for my friends to pick me up at the corner of Araneta Avenue and Aurora Boulevard, I saw a little boy about 6 to 8 years old, begging a coconut vendor to give him a piece. I overheard him saying he has not eaten yet. I could not resist the urge to approach them and offered to pay for one. He excitedly took the coconut fruit and water. I asked him where his parents were. In between sips, he nonchalantly replied he has no mother and his father is in jail because of cellphone theft. He has no siblings, and he said he has no house and sleeps in the streets. I felt a searing pain in my heart.

The vendor, perhaps also filled with pity for the child exclaimed, "Kung ang Diyos ay Diyos na maawain, bakit Niya hinahayaang magdusa ang mga batang paslit?" (If God is a God of mercy, why does He allow little children to suffer?)

Before I could answer him, he left almost in a haste, and so did the little boy, and I was left dumbfounded on that street corner. There I was looking forward to a short trip away from the city to unwind, while many nameless destitute people are worrying about where to get money for their next meal. I was excited to have some relaxation outside Manila, but around me are people lacking not just in basic necessities but also in love and attention. I felt guilt and sorrow. I felt I was not doing enough to alleviate pain in the world.

After a few minutes, my friends came. And so began my journey to Tagaytay, contemplating the pain and suffering of this world.

In the many years that I have served as a volunteer in various organizations that take care of the sick, the elderly, the poor, the abandoned and the marginalized of society, I have seen pain and despair. At one point in my life, I have asked God why He could have the heart to allow suffering? I believe that with Him nothing is impossible, but why then can't He do something about those abandoned elderly on the streets? Or bring healing to all those cancer-stricken children so that they may live a full life? Or provide a safe and loving home for orphans?

I have always known the answer. This inextinguishable faith in my heart will always find solace in the Truth of the Gospels. But in silence, I begged the Good Lord to remind me once again. Perhaps I needed to just hear Him speak to me.

We arrived to a chilly weather at the Franciscan Missionaries of Mary Retreat center and was welcomed by Sr. Aida, FFM. Inside her office was a simple reminder of the real Reason for this season of merriment and glad tidings. 

Sr. Aida's Nativity display
on her office desk

On her desk was a Nativity set ~ Saint Joseph and the Blessed Virgin Mary kneeling and adoring the Infant Jesus. Looking at the Holy Babe you'd expect to find joy. Ironically, all I could think about was the reason why Jesus had to be born for us all: our redemption through His Cross. And I thought about that hungry, homeless little boy I encountered earlier that day. I fought back tears as I thought of how he will be spending his Christmas while the rest of us shall be stuffing our bellies with good food and wine, and how we shall be celebrating till the wee hours of the morning with laughter and warmth with our loved ones. That boy will be  cold, hungry, and all alone.

And I looked to Jesus. In silence, He comforted my heart and reminded me of His love. Jesus knew how it was to be alone at the moments of His greatest sufferings. No other human soul could ever comprehend nor share the agony of His heart as He hung on the Cross. That is why He fully knows and understands what every breaking heart is going through. He  is Emmanuel after all; God with us who shares in our deepest loneliness. In His desolation, He reveals to us His infinite and unconditional love for humankind. Jesus invites us to come to Him that He may be able to take away our afflictions. He draws us to Himself that He may be able to dry all our tears.

As we continued on to have an ocular visit of the place, Sr. Aida led us to their chapel with a breathtaking view of the Taal Lake. Inside, as I would expect in a Franciscan congregation, hung a San Damiano Cross. I knelt in prayer and looked at the image of Jesus. 

The San Damiano Cross and an image of Mother Mary,
Chapel of the FMM Retreat House in Tagaytay

I was reminded of the salvific Love of Jesus. Saint John Paul II said in Salvifici Doloris, "Salvation means liberation from evil, and for this reason it is closely bound up with the problem of suffering... God gives His Son to 'the world' to free man from evil, which bears within itself the definitive and absolute perspective on suffering."

"God gives His only-begotten Son so that man 'should not perish' and the meaning of these words ' should not perish' is precisely specified by the words that follow: "but have eternal life". Man 'perishes' when he loses 'eternal life'. The opposite of salvation is not, therefore, only temporal suffering, any kind of suffering, but the definitive suffering: the loss of eternal life, being rejected by God, damnation. The only-begotten Son was given to humanity primarily to protect man against this definitive evil and against definitive suffering." (Saint John Paul II in Salvifici Doloris, IV, 14)

The Cross of Christ teaches us and empowers us to take up our own crosses and to be affirmed that in our own anguish, we partake of the suffering of Jesus. In Him we find comfort for our weary, burdened hearts. When we are faced with fears, we draw strength from Him who endured the ordeals and tortures of His Passion. When we feel alienated or rejected, He draws us to run to Him who alone can fill the emptiness our heart feels. 

I look up to the Cross, the eyes of Jesus lovingly gazing at me. Love is the answer of the meaning of suffering, and I found it in the eyes of the image of Jesus hanging on the Cross. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life" (St. John 3:16) 

I offered a prayer for that little boy, an image of Christ hungry for our love. Pray with me for him, and for all those abandoned children, the sick, the last, the lost, the least, all dear to Jesus whose birthday we celebrate every Christmas.